And if you’re a dude, you’re right.  You’re all fucking gross.  From the time you first erupted from your mothers womb in a pool of blood and feces you have been surrounded by a stink so bad, the blue urinal cake odor is actually considered pleasant smelling compared to the scent you leave behind.

This is not an “I’m about to become a lesbian because I hate men” post.  I love men.  I love lesbians too I just don’t want to be one.  This is seriously about how fucking gross dudes are.  I have two young boys, ages six and three and they are so disgusting I swim in sanitizer after putting them to sleep or leaving the house.  They woke me up at seven Sunday morning by climbing in bed with me and I thought it was super sweet and I had hoped they would stay that way for another three hours until I hear a blast from Jake’s ass and it makes both kids start laughing hysterically sending them into immediate “feed me” mode, because that’s the first thing a man always wants, food.

So after I hear them repeatedly say “Fart” in as many ways as they can think up (they all sounded the same) and hearing the word “Food” thrown in a few times I climbed out of bed and tossed some waffles in the toaster, because I’m all about healthy breakfasts.  I inhaled some Corn Pops and got heartburn so after I threw a waffle at each of them I put myself face-first on the floor so I could “play” with them (I hate mornings.  They know and accept this.  By “play” I mean I have them trained to walk on my back for as long as humanly possible).

After eating breakfast and “playing” for about twenty minutes they decided to sit down.  My children don’t let themselves get more than three inches from my body so instead of trying to sit on the couch where they’ll smother me I just continued to lie on the floor with my head on my Monkey Pillow Pet.  This is when the boys decided to sit.

If I wasn’t so damn tired because I forgot to bring my sleeping pills over to Ryan’s so I didn’t sleep I would have thought this one out a little.  They sat on me.  I was on my stomach and Jake sat up on my back near my head and Josh near my butt.  I was super comfortable because they’re bony little butts kept moving as they giggled and watched TV so it was kind of a mini back rub when I realized that my six year olds ass was mere inches from my face.  His farts are so toxic I was grossed out just knowing the cloth of his jammies was touching the skin on my back (I was wearing a strapless sundress as usual).

Knowing that I have no immune system and fearing that one of his farts would contain some sort of toxin that would send me to an ER I rolled them off and it wasn’t a minute too soon because Josh went tearing out of the room.  I took that opportunity to jump on the couch and have a good stretch and about two minutes later he came tearing back in with a wad of toilet paper saying “Wipe my butt I went poop”.

I got up off the couch, followed him into the bathroom and sure as shit, there were turds in the toilet.  I tell him to bend over and he puts his hands on the floor and starts making farting noises as he starts scooting away from me.  Exhausted and revolted I shout a quick “Stay still!” and part his tiny little ass cheeks to make sure I get it all cleaned up.  An hour later he shit again.  No one was allowed to sit on mommy for the rest of the day.

Hours pass and eventually Ryan came to grab them for his company picnic so I went to my bed and popped some Xanax in hopes of a nap.  I’m an insomniac and I don’t nap or sleep without enough pills to kill a small mule.  I had about five hours until work and maybe got a total of two and a half hours off of four Xanax (I took three and then another an hour later.  I can’t shut my mind up this week) and then I got up and headed in for work.

Now I work at a bar so everything is pretty much gross anyway since it’s a sports bar and therefore one giant sausage fest but being that I’m a mother of two young boys taking care of thirty grown ones isn’t that big a deal as long as they tip well.  Being a server is like being a mother only not as rewarding.  I worked on the bar side Sunday night and one of the duties as a bar side closer is to clean the bathrooms.  I personally think whoever cleans the floors after we leave should do it because I serve food and beer and being anywhere near trash or men’s bathrooms makes me feel violated.

It comes up on two o’clock and I put on my gloves and head into the ladies room.  No big deal.  Empty the trash, clean the mirrors.  I think I forgot to throw the flowers out now that I’m thinking about it.  Fuck.  Oh well.  I power on through that and head into the men’s room and I’m immediately greeted by the smell of piss and blue urinal cakes.  I don’t know how men do it.  I’ve talked about how gross it is in there with guys before and not a single one has ever agreed with me.  They all say it’s “not that bad” and leave us ladies mystified at how they manage to care for themselves.

I opened the stalls, had to flush every toilet (it’s a handle dude.  Just kick it.) and then wipe down the mirrors and sinks.  There’s soap marks everywhere (I was at least grateful some of you actually washed your hands) and paper towels all over the trash cans and floors (again I was happy to know hands are being washed).  I picked all that shit up and then looked in the urinal.  I never really looked at one before.  I’ve been in the men’s room before but I usually just hold my breath and get in and out as fast as I can but I decided to take a second to look.  So gross.  You guys just stand there next to each other and piss.  Isn’t there some kind of back slpash that comes off that thing and hits you?  I know you have to have some kind of power behind that flow of yours because I’m a fan of peeing and those steady streams can pack a punch.

Nothing was in them besides blue water and even if there was I wouldn’t have touched it.  I felt violated just having been in there.  I grabbed the trash, shuddered and headed on out of there where I immediately went back into the ladies room to scrub myself with hot water.  I always found myself a little jealous that you could write your names in the snow but I can now see why you all opt for pissing outside over a bathroom because you leave piss droplets all over the front of the toilet and on the floor and would rather not clean up after yourselves.  I’m not jealous anymore.  I am SO GLAD I’m a woman.  I’m pretty and neat and while I talk about peeing and dropping solid D’s I now know I shit roses compared to the smell that comes out of any men’s room.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that you’re gross.  I love you but you’re all super super gross.  Stop being gross.

Thanks.

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