Mar
04
2013

Yeah, I’m A Winner

one-love-blog-award

So the logo has changed but the sentiment is the same, the “One Lovely Blog” award is still floating around.  I got this one (the old logo is on my press page) YEARS ago and have since been forgotten in the awards blogosphere until my new buddy over at OMG FML received an award and kindly nominated me as one of the bloggers he felt it should be passed on to.  The downside is that I have to come up with fifteen things about me as part of he award rules.  I’ve been thinking about this all weekend and I’m pretty sure you all know everything about me but since I’ve started back after taking a year off I’ve gotten some new readers so maybe this will entertain and allow you to learn more about me!

  1. I’m petrified of Sunflowers, escalators, ET and tooth brushing.  The problem is that most of those things are extremely common.  I pay attention to TV shows I watch and nearly every single one has a Sunflower in it.  You can’t go to a mall without having to ride the escalator lest you look like a pussy, people think I’m mental because I think ET is terrifying (and I just found out it was the first movie I ever saw in a theater) and while I do brush my teeth, I can’t stand the sound, visual or thought of someone else doing it.  It’s so gross it gives me chills.  My husband thinks I’m batshit crazy.
  2. I’m batshit crazy. I’m bipolar with an anxiety disorder.  I don’t drink and I’m properly medicated so I live a normal life but before I quit drinking the alcohol would screw with my medications and I’d bounce from manic to depressed sometimes in hours.  I’d have three hours where I’d be lifting my couch screaming “Look what I can do!” and then I’d spend the next three hours locked in the corner of my dark closet thinking about how much better off the world would be without me.  I would crave death, couldn’t help it.  Without Xanax I’m convinced people are trying to kill me and I’m a big time insomniac so I take right pills to fall asleep at night and one of them is designed to calm schizophrenics down.  I will say that I’m in a really good place lately, I thought about death and I panicked.  I thought about how all of you would react and what my family would have to go through and then panicked even more when I realized it’s inevitable and I started wondering how it was going to happen and what it would be like.  As I said, batshit crazy.  It’s why I’m a good blogger.
  3. I can’t poop.  I talk about pooping all the time and it’s likely because I can’t do it.  I went six days last week without it, overdosed on laxatives and nearly shit my pants and now I’m on my fifth day of not going again.  I’m doing everything all of you have been recommending here and on Facebook (save for prune juice, that won’t happen) and even with the Miralax and Colace I’m getting nothing.  I’m eating nothing but high fiber foods and I’m constantly hungry and have no idea where it’s going but I’m starting to cramp up so I’m thinking about making like Whitney and having someone put their finger in my butt.
  4. I can’t blog with the TV on.  It’s pointless because I don’t hear a single thing that’s being played so I end up having to watch it a second time later on.
  5. I only smell in one armpit.  Even right after I shower it immediately smells.  The other one never does, even if I wait four or five days to hop back in the shower.
  6. I hate showering.  I have to shave my legs which takes forever because I never shower and then I have to do my hair or it’ll just lie flat against my head so I have to put product in it to make it all bouncy and shiny.  Since I’m a stay at home mom with no contact with the outside world I’ve taken to just hopping in the shower, doing a lazy shave (if I miss it I’ll get it next time around) and I’ve been letting my hair air dry.  I shower for real when I know I’m leaving the house.  My poor husband.
  7. I used to go out four nights a week (last year) and now I’m basically agoraphobic.  I need to go see my friends but I dread the thought of having to set foot in public.  I’m not sure if it’s because a bartender accidentally slipped me a drink with vodka in it and I took a sip unknowingly but I’m making sure to go out around my birthday.  Saturday the 20th everyone, Longbranch.  Tingley is going with me and I’d like Jenn to if she can and I know Courtney hates it but I might be able to talk her into it.  It’s a country bar but I like it there.  I’m sick of karaoke.
  8. My mother terrifies me.  I haven’t talked to her in about two years because she was harassing me in every way possible (including this blog) and I’ve finally agreed to bring the kids to Myrtle Beach for a weekend in a few weeks because it’s time to mend this.  I’m about to turn 36, I can’t fear my mother. I love Xanax.
  9. I’ve said this before, I’ll say it again – I would never survive a Zombie apocalypse.  I can’t shoot a gun and would be too grossed out to stab something in the head.  I also couldn’t live on the road because according to “The Walking Dead” I’d have to eat dead squirrel and I can’t even eat steak.
  10. I can’t eat steak.  Or pork (except bacon, that doesn’t count).  Or anything with bones in it like chicken wings.  I grew up on a farm and it wasn’t for dairy.  It was for meat.  I saw WAY too much death and instead of being like my sister who can gnaw on a live cow as it walks across a pasture I’m stuck eating things like burgers and chicken tenders because that’s as far as I made it as a kid before the slaughter on the farm traumatized me.
  11. I was in chess club in middle school.
  12. I played trumpet for four years and was pretty damn good at it.
  13. I didn’t get popular until high school (as you can imagine from the last two things I just confessed).
  14. I have TWO vibrators that plug into a wall socket.  They’re awesome.
  15. I’m afraid to have people over to my house because I’m always afraid it’s not clean enough even though I do my best to clean it every day and it’s a beautiful house.  I’m about to go scrub the bathrooms and vacuum the floors with my new Dyson.

Holy balls that was LONG.  If you’ve read them all more power to you.  If you’re like most blog readers you read the first and last three so you’ll likely leave me a vibrator comment.  I can’t blame you.  Now it’s time to pass the torch, I’m going to name five blogs I adore that blog about their personal lives (some I am dedicated to have a niche for music (Bring Me Up) or children (Pediatric Safety) so I doubt they could accept this award) and if this is too much of an undertaking just appreciate the award because it means I love you and if you’re looking for something to blog about here’s a good topic! I read you all the time so I’ll be sure to read all fifteen of them and I’ll try to comment on a middle one to prove that I did.

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Written by Julie Maloney in: Step 4: Have Fun!

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