Welcome once again to a look back to what I used to write as a teen in Syracuse NY for the hj magazine (no longer in existence, but you can keep up on the haps in Upstate NY at Syracuse.com).  I wrote a script for an episode of the Brady Bunch 2/23/1995 (it was my nephew’s birthday-totally unrelated.  Also unrelated-Happy 1st to my Joshua today!).  This was in honor of the Brady Movie.  I’d like to say the movie released 2/17/95 and I had this written and handed in a week before it was published so I had no idea that it would end up so similar.  Just goes to show when a Brady breaks something, it gets fixed.

The hj Bunch

OPENING SCENE: ALICE IS IN THE KITCHEN, PULLING SOMETHING TASTY-LOOKING OUT OF THE REFRIDGERATOR.  ENTER JAN, WHO’S POUTING.

Alice: Why Jan.  What’s the matter?  You look a little glum.

Jan: Oh, Alice, what am I going to do? We got our report card today, and I got a C in gym!  I’m going to be the laughing stock of the school!

ENTER GREG AND PETER.

Peter: Hey Jan, I heard about your C in gym.  Wow.

Jan: How did you hear?  I only told Jeanne.

Peter: Well, Jeanne told Wendy, who told Rob, who told Ben Dover, who told five other people and the last one told me.

Jan: Oh no! Not Ben Dover!  The captain of the basketball team?  Now he’ll NEVER want to go out with me!  What am I going to do?

Alice: Here, kids.  Have a snack.

Jan: A snack!  This is no time for a snack, Alice!  I’ve just gotta find a way to learn how to play basketball, or Ben may never talk to me again!

Greg: Well, Peter and I can help you, Jan.

Peter: Sure! Come on outside.

THE BRADY KIDS GO OUTSIDE AND THE BOYS START SHOOTING BASKETS, GIVING JAN POINTERS AS THEY GO.  THEY PASS THE BALL TO JAN, WHO SCREAMS…

Jan: Oh, no!  I broke a nail!  I’m through!  Not only will Ben Dover not talk to me, but now I can’t go to the big dance on Friday!

JAN RUNS CRYING TO HER ROOM, WHERE MARCIA IS SITTING IN FRONT OF HER MIRROR:

Marcia: What’s wrong  Jan?

Jan: I’ve lost everything!  It was bad enough I got a C in gym, but now my date for the big dance is off, too!

Marcia: Oh, yeah.  Cindy Coogan told me about the C.  Sorry to hear about that.  But why won’t you be able to go to the dance?

Jan: I broke a nail! (Wah!)

Marcia: Gee, Jan, tough brake.  Maybe Mom and Dad can help you.

JAN LEAVES THE BEDROOM TO FIND HER PARENTS, WHO ARE READING THE PAPER IN THE LIVING ROOM.

Carol: Hi, Jan.  Betty Sue Grabel’s mother told me about that C you got in gym.  That’s not very Brady of you.

Jan: Don’t you think I know that, Mother?  And to make matters worse, Greg and Peter tried teaching me how to play basketball, and I broke a nail!

Mike: Well, that’s pretty rough stuff, Jan.

Jan: My whole life is ruined!  If I can’t play ball, nobody is going to like me.  And now with this broken nail, I’ll be the laughingstock of the whole school!

AGAIN, JAN RUNS CRYING TO HER BEDROOM.  MIKE AND CAROL TALK.

Carol: Mike, do you have any money?  I think I have a solution to Jan’s problem.

Mike: Sure, here’s some.  Where are you going?

Carol: Just leave it up to me.  I’ll be back in a while.

CAROL PUTS ON HER COAT AND LEAVES.  SCENE CHANGES TO SAME ROOM, ONE HOUR LATER.  CAROL WALKS IN THE DOOR, HOLDING A SMALL BAG.

Carol: Jan! Jan!  Where are you?  Come down here for a  minute.

JAN APPEARS AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS AND STARTS WALKING DOWN.

Jan: What is it, Mother?

Carol: Here, take a look at this.

CAROL GIVES JAN THE BAG.  JAN LOOKS INSIDE.

Jan: Oh, Mother! Press-on nails!

Yep.  And they’re guaranteed not to break!  Maybe you can go to the dance after all.

Jan: But what about my gym grade?

Carol (In that Bradyesque tone): Now, Jan, you have to understand that not everyone can be good at sports.  I’m sure there are many things you are very good at.  The important thing is that you really tried, and that you were the best at basketball that you could be.  Even if that was bad, it was good.  Got that?

Jan: Gee, thanks, Mom.  I never thought of it that way.

THEY HUG.  FADE TO BLACK.  SCENE CHANGES TO THE NIGHT OF THE DANCE.  JAN, CAROL AND ALICE ARE IN THE LIVING ROOM.  JAN IS DRESSED FOR THE DANCE AND ADMIRING HER NAILS.

Jan: You can’t even tell this nail was broken! I’m sure to be the best-looking girl at the dance!

THE DOORBELL RINGS.  JAN ANSWERS AND IS SURPRISED TO SEE BEN DOVER AT THE DOOR.

Jan: Why, Ben! What are you doing here?

Ben: I know it’s a little late to ask, but will you go to the big dance with me?

Jan: Oh my gosh! Ben, I’ve always wanted to go with you but I already promised Billy Tompkins I’d go with him!

Alice: Oh, Jan, I forgot to tell you.  I saw Billy’s mother at the butcher shop, and it seems Billy broke his arm.

Carol: Too bad it wasn’t a nail!  I could have helped him then!

THEY ALL LAUGH

Jan: Come on, Ben.  Let’s get to the big dance before it’s too late.

FADE TO BLACK.  ROLL THE BRADY CLOSING CREDITS.