Welcome to my weekend flashback series.  A few weeks back, I posted a picture of me as Oscar but I never posted the article.  It’s why we should change the ‘Oscars’ to the ‘Julies’ and how I’d run it.  Bear in mind, I mention an ex in there.  I’d omit it, but it wouldn’t be true to my writing so just ignore any parts that talk of boyfriends.

The Julies:

Last year as you know, or as  you SHOULD know, I was on the cover with my Oscar picks.  Well, this year it’s a little different.

I feel that, since I know the Oscars and the movie scene so well, it’s my turn to take over.  This is what it would be like if I were in charge of the Academy…

The Guest List:

So who’s getting in?  All the people who  walk up to me and say, “Hey!  I know you.  You’re from hj.”

Of course, my family is invited, Casey included.  And all of those who know they’re my friends.

Also, I’d invite cool people, like those NOMINATED.  Wouldn’t that be interesting?  Seeing somebody who’s going to win actually show up and receive it?

(Note to the nominees: if you are not present to get your award, it will be given to ME and I’ll take all the credit for it.)

So who’s going to be turned away at the door?  Macaulay Culkin!  No, comma, little boy, you are not invited.  And neither are your annoying “richie rich” friends.

The Setting:

The awards ceremony will be held in my Beverly Hills mansion, which the academy gave me for my outstanding something or other a while back.

Parking will be located on the polo grounds.  Tear the lawn at your will, I don’t play Polo (unless you count Marco Polo).

The show will start at 5PM California time, 8PM Eastern.  All of you attending can show up before then, as long as it’s past noon and I’m awake.  There will be Parcheesi and Scrabble to pass the time.

For those Norm fans, there will be a huge beer tent outdoors, in case being inside that stuffy 2000 acre mansion is too rough.  Nachos will be served.

If you’re so tanked that you need real food, we will have professional catering.  “Would you like fries with that?” Yeah?  So, what’s wrong with McDonalds catering this?  Everybody likes Chicken Nuggets!

An indoor swimming pool will be located to the side of the stage in my Beverly Hills mansion so people with “pre-dash award jitters” can swim and relax.  And legal sedatives will be provided for those caught off guard.

The Show

You know what would be nice?  If the Oscars were held on April 14th, which just happens to be my birthday.  Each person will naturally be required to bring a gift or three because, after all, it IS my birthday, and I AM hosting this at my Beverly Hills mansion (which the Academy provides).

Of course, David Letterman will be hosting this wild shindig.  He’ll have his Top ten Oscar list.

But instead of Paul Shaffer, we’ll have the Eagles (and I’m not talking the Sports team.)  My father and I both love the Eagles – that’s why he’ll be joining the band tonight.

There will be no more of this 4-hour crap.  An hour and a half – that’s all it takes.

The Awards

The only awards given will be the major ones, like Best Picture, Director, Song, Actor, Actress and so on.

And all of this years winners will deserve it.  How do I know?  I will have placed myself, my father and other down-to-earth people on the Academy board that selects the winners.

Oh, yeah!  And there’s another thing!  No more of this giving someone an award just because you think they’re gonna die or something!  If you win, it’s because you deserve to win.

And I don’t want anymore 20-minute speeches, and no more thanking every single person you’ve ever met.  Those who’ve helped you know it.  I’m sure they won’t keel over if they’re name isn’t mentioned.

Instead of that little gold man as the award, it’ll be little gold me.  Yep, here it is folks – the anatomically correct JULIE (please refer to the statue above…uh, wait.  No, don’t. I’m NAKED!!!).

If there happens to be a tie, like deciding between “Forrest Gump” and “Pulp Fiction”, just let them both win.  You can’t do all that hard work to be turned down, right?

I will also be getting rid of the nameless model “escorts” who lead people on and off the stage.  This “escorting” will now be done my me.  And since I will be on stage so often, the Academy will provide me with a different outfit for every time on stage.

Oh, yes.  The orginal cast of the Brady Bunch will present a few awards.  And all my friends will give out the other awards.  After all, why have famous people do it?  We’ve seen them before – give someone else a chance!

There will be a 30-minute intermission at half time, which will feature brand new shows of “Beavis and Butt-head”,  just because I LIKE “Beavis and Butt-head”.  If anyone has a problem with this, they can go out to the beer and nacho tent and drown their sorrows.

I think I’ve about covered it!  It’s not like I have a real problem with the show or anything; I’d just like to modify it to fit my standards.

After all, this isn’t the Oscars anymore, it’s the Julies!

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