Random Tuesday Thoughts – Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go
Go Random. Go To The Un Mom.
I am so sick of hearing people say they have a “Case of the Mondays”. What is it, herpes? It’s fucking MONDAY. Other days will follow it. I’d say thank God it’s Tuesday, but I am a miserable rotten bitch today, so I must have a case of Tuesday herpes.
What will I do when Football (again, that’s American for FOOTBALL) ends? We have about three weeks left. Will I have a “Case of the Sundays” because now I’ll have to participate in family activities instead of having the entire family enjoy throwing the ball around and laughing at the games? (My son assumes every QB is named Steve Johnson and we’re convinced he’ll be changing his name when he becomes one himself, which is fine with me as long as I get my early retirement).
I have disappointing keyword searches. No one seems to care about my deuces dropped or menopausal rage. They want my weight loss. That’s what The Wii Mommies are for. I read Keely’s cool keyword searches and check mine and it’s all “weight loss”, “wii fit”, “cool mom”. I want people to Google peeing in the shower and menopause misery, dang it!
Part of me feels like I need to clean up my mouth, as well as my language but then I wouldn’t be me and I’m pretty in like with me.
I heard on Facebook that I was in a commercial during American Idol. Wait until you see it, it’ll put a smile on your face.
I’m supposed to be doing something else right now. I’m not.
Oh, check out my partner Sarah’s blog post and and let know what you think – she would LOVE your comments on video blog post and I love her so I’m supporting her: ShrimpGumbo: RealLifeSarah vs Alton Brown http://ow.ly/Yb1j
I have two weeks to get really effing hot. I’m going blond again tomorrow (my stylist might be pissed since she warned me this would happen but I’m bringing her a gift) and I’m testing an airbrushing to see how it looks and how long it lasts. I’ve tried mystic and it makes me look like a leper three days later and the fake-n-bake really isn’t an option for me.
I was on ABC News Ahead Of The Curve. I couldn’t fly to NY or Washington to film it (I’m BEAT) so we agreed to Skype it. You’ll never guess where I did it from. Yes, you will. My toilet. I sat on the toilet and did a national ABC News interview. It just had to happen that way.
So today is officially day five of not pooping. Talk about full of shit. I’m on a medication that I was told could dry me out AND I’ve taken almost all of the sugar out of my diet. Good carbs only. Maybe that’s why? I Facebook my ass issues and get a SHOCKING amount of comments of support, thoughts and jokes at my expense (thank you, Father).
Five. Effing. Days.
I’m officially trying everything that was advised. I have coffee I’m drinking now and will warm up some ginger ale (odd), take some effing Fiber Con and I really couldn’t be any more hydrated than I am because I knew my meds would cause dryness so I only drink water and Gatorade G2, so I’m not dehydrated.
I’m just full of shit.
I am swimming in a pool of self pity and misery right now that’s so deep, I want to drag everything around me down in it with me. There’s a certain pleasure in knowing everyone else is just as miserable as I am. Problem is, I have no reason to be. I’m fairly sure it’s just stress, I have a giant 32 days ahead of me, a LOT of traveling and I’m going to my mothers.
Ah….yes…..I’m going to my mothers.
17 Comments
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Sorry, don’t have any advice on dropping a massive deuce. I have the complete opposite problem these days…but I’ve been drinking TONS of coffee and eating crap. I am waiting on news on something, and then my eating habits will change.
Oh wait, take a stool softener, not just a laxative. I hope it happens for you soon!
.-= Alli Campbell´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Retro look =-.
Julie Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 11:51 am
Good idea. I have way too many social events to dare take a laxative. I’d end up with “Super Colon Blow” and shit myself during a conference.
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Mondays suck particularly for me cause it means having to wake up early and send off the kid and husband to school and work instead of sleeping in and being comfy in the warmth of the blankets, instead I have to get up and be cold.. effin’ stupid cold weather..
I’m a rotten bitch today too, I think it’s contagious! LOL
I’ll search for peeing in the shower and menopause misery and see if your clog comes up… At least your keyword searches are kinda cool, mine are all about farming, like wtf? I’m pretty sure my blog isn’t anything about farming, it’s that dumb farm town post I did once that’s to blame!
You were in a commercial? You’re so awesome!
Okay I feel like I’m a creepy fan, I swear I’m not! Creepy that is, but I am a fan… 
I like you better as a blond anyway!
You were on the news… You’re awesome! I hope I’m not creeping you out.. LOL and you did it in the toilet? it’s so you…
LOL
What’s wrong with not pooping for 5 days? I always thought that was normal, until you said it wasn’t.. LOL.. I used to only take a dump twice a week when my hubby and I first moved in together cause my butt was shy and I didn’t want to poop whenever he’s around… but now I think I poop like 3x a week, but that’s normal for me…
Have you tried smoking? LOL I know it sounds weird but whenever I’m constipated, I smoke and the poop just comes out…
Now you’ll have keyword searches for poop…
Cheer up Julie!
.-= Ane´s last blog ..Music Monday: Waiting On An Angel by Ben Harper* =-.
Well Julie, I know you are trying to eat healthy. But I find that if I eat a really high fat meal. That will do it for me. Menopause sucks. Everything is dry, skin, hair, poop, and my humor about it. I dont know what meds you are taking, but really if you are drinking as much as you say you are, you shouldnt be able to get away from the toilet. I feel for ya.
No kidding about the “Mondays”.
Missed your commercial…
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..I’m flying next week and here is one more reason why I HATE to fly. US Airways is raising baggage fees =-.
Hopefully yo ucan get some relief
My Thoughts Aren’t Worth My Time. Want Them? http://www.momspective.com/wakeup/
LOL, I think it’s funny that you said “dang” after dropping a boatload of f-bombs! I love you! Well, I had coffee this morning, which totally cleaned me out, so I don’t know what to tell you. Suppositories? (oh the horror!)
Thanks for pimping my post, girl!!
.-= Real Life Sarah´s last blog ..Shrimp Gumbo: Real Life Sarah vs Alton Brown =-.
Our keyword searches are all about butts, monkeys and sex acts that are illegal in some states.
Good luck on the bathroom issue. You could try that diet drug Alli, but it causes explosive diarrhea and that may not be the effect your looking for.
.-= Elle´s last blog ..You’re Wearing That? =-.
What a shitty predicament.
.-= kyooty´s last blog ..Random Tuesday Thoughts, death off a desktop? =-.
That was quite possibly the greatest rant I’ve seen from you.
Frankly, I’m surprised that your keywords aren’t hitting more. Seems like a slam dunk.
Bummer to hear about the constipation. Were you attempting to drop a deuce while doing the interview?
.-= Todd´s last blog ..Stop wasting your time-Lift weights to make real progress =-.
I find that if I forget to take my multiple vitamin every day I can get stopped up. I know it’s not even close to what you’re experiencing, but maybe if you wash a multivitamin down with a big mug of coffee, you can ‘help’ the process along…
Apparently I need to be a little less enthusiastic about fast forwarding through commercials – thanks for the link, loved that I recognized you and Sarah!
.-= Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)´s last blog ..Random Tuesday Thoughts – Even More Random Trivia =-.
Personally, whenever I think of peeing in the shower, your website comes to mind.
Julie Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 8:08 pm
I had to be SO bad today and actually held it until I got in the shower ROFL.
I take magnesium for my migraines…and I am devastatingly regular. I know that many laxatives are magnesium based (milk of magnesia, magnesium citrate), but I doubt you want something that drastic. As a nurse, I’d advise a supplement of 250 mg twice a day. It won’t work immediately, but in two weeks you should see a marked improvement. If it swings the other way, and you get diarrhea, you could dial it back and just take 250 mg/day. Good luck!
I’m not sure you really want my google searches. Some of them are freaking disturbing.
.-= Keely´s last blog ..Whimsical design has no place in parenting, thankyouverymuch =-.