Feb
26
2013

Tuesday – It Comes After Monday but Sits Before Wednesday

Stacy

 

That’s all the wisdom I have for you.

So I’m at it again, watching “The Bachelor”.  I’m so grossly ashamed of myself but I currently have it on pause because I can’t type and watch TV at the same time and I’ve come so far I feel it’s too late to turn back now.  At this point I think whomever he chooses is destined to fail, they all seem like a reach so I guess I’ll have to start reading People magazine or something to keep up on all of it.

Those bastards.

I mentioned this yesterday but I just found The Bloggess.  She’s like me only with a more screwed up childhood, she swears more and she’s clearly off her medications.  If I wasn’t so stable and balanced with my family and marriage I would totally take a week off from mine and let my mind go balls and blast out a nonsensical book that would surely rise to the #1 bestseller list.  I read her book in a day and found it highly amusing but it had no continuity, it just rambled from story to story and then BACK to the first story because she seemed to have forgotten what she was initially talking about and when I was finished I went over to her blog to see that she gets over two million page views per MONTH and hundreds on comments on all her posts that while they are also humorous, they are about two paragraphs long and are mostly about words she invented.

I’m so jealous of her.

I’ve made myself stop swearing to the best of my abilities.  I got in a lot of trouble for it before I took this past year off and decided since this is “Momspective”, about a Mom with a skewed perspective, it should have some modicum of family friendliness to it.  Must be working because my numbers are back and the reviews are being offered but two million page views?  I need to get back to my book.  I have like one hundred pages done.  Ryan pointed out that both kids will be in school full time next year because Josh starts Kindergarten so I’ll have all day to blog and write.  I’m going to need to read more of this girls blog posts to help motivate me.  My book will be good though, I’ve laughed out loud at the things I’ve written so far and while most of the stories are already in this blog, they’re WAY back told years ago to many who may not have seen them (save for Kyooty and my dad, they’ve read them all and remembers more than I do.)

I’ve started drinking coffee again.  For a while there the smell would make me vomit, absolutely convincing me that I’d regrown all of my reproductive organs and that I was pregnant again but it turned out my body was just associating it with mornings and Ryan would make it earlier than I prefer to wake up so I’d be woken up by the smell and would immediately throw up.  I couldn’t walk into a Starbucks for months.  I get tired a lot though and was desperate one day and found that I could handle a latte so I started going that route.  We noticed that they’re basically just milk with a splash of espresso and were outrageously expensive so I finally just told Ryan, “Let’s just buy coffee and liquid creamer, I can’t poop without it.) So we did.  It’s pretty gross but I’m in desperate times.

I went four days without pooping this week.  It was pointed out that it was most likely because of all the meds I’m on and considering the heartburn I was getting that I was warned about I’m inclined to believe them.  I can’t really poop ever though, it’s why I’m so famous for talking about it I think.  It’s a major life event for me.  I recently had to get a colonoscopy because of it.  Turns out I just can’t poop.  Again, it could be linked to the other drugs I take simply because of my daily ailments but I can never find the right balance to just clear out my symptoms, I get terrible cramps and my stomach makes a lot of noise.  Probiotics don’t do shit, Miralax has helped and I’m going to pick some up this week but at my last grocery trip I saw that overnight women’s laxative and if you read me you’d have know that I combined it with a latte and almost shit my pants while I was driving my car.  Yesterday I didn’t have plans so I desperately wanted to shit my pants.  I made a full pot of coffee, took TWO laxatives (also having taken one each the past two previous nights) and drank the pot of coffee.  What happened?  I sat bowel-less on the toilet screaming in pain because of the bolts of lightening shot through my side.  I almost called my four year old in the room to hold my hands for me but I figured that might traumatize him and I don’t feel like paying for his therapy bills just yet.

So yesterday evening rolls around and I can’t even watch TV.  Ryan got home and I went right to bed.  I couldn’t sleep because it was about 6:30 and I had a pot of coffee in me so I asked him for a Pepsi.  I know, more caffeine, but Pepsi sometimes makes me poop.  I drank it slowly and sat and waited.  Of course our master bath’s toilet is plugged because I cleaned it with a disposable scrubber and it got stuck so when the urge finally hit me I had to run to the downstairs bathroom to hope for the best (I refuse to use my kids bathroom, they’re gross).

I got downstairs and sat there for no less than forty five minutes.  I finally gave birth slowly and painfully but I figured it would be enough to get me through another laxative night without waking in the middle of the night covered in my own poo and I was right, I didn’t poop the bed (that likely would have voided the warrantee).  I’ve made half a pot of coffee this time and I’m about to go drink it while I blog hop and watch The Bachelor.  May all your pooping thoughts and prayers be with me.

The end.

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Written by Julie Maloney in: Random Tuesday Thoughts

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