Feb
24
2011

Tits and Twats

Fuckin’ A, dude.  I am hung right the fuck OVER but I was walking with my friend yesterday and I was saying I feel like telling a story and he suggested I talk about the day I got my period.  Why the hell THAT came to him is beyond me but I figured what the h-e-double hockey sticks and thought I’d make a little note of it.  Knowing there wasn’t too much to the story, I figured I’d toss another nugget of embarrassment in here about the time I forgot to wear a bra to school.  See those beauties?  Yeah.  Imagine them in eighth grade sans bra.

Here we go -

I guess I’ll start with the rag. I seriously have no idea if I can slap some funny on your virtual asses but I’m going to blast this out like a deuce after a Churro.

I was in eighth grade, a grade that held many mystical wonders for me.  Bullshit.  It fucking sucked.  The only benefit to eighth grade was that it wasn’t seventh grade (TORTURE) and the ability to slap the books out of sixth graders arms but I always helped them pick them up.  I’m way too fucking nice to people.

So I’m rocking my blue and white tie dyed McHammer pants when all of the sudden my body decided to make like the American Flag and dye me red, white and blue because a burst of nasty went flying from my crotch and through my grannies.  They weren’t considered grannies then, they were simply undies but whatever – I’m hungover.

I’m walking down the damn hall and there it was, running down my fucking leg.  I of course went into the bathroom, wadded up some TP and jammed it everywhere I thought it should go (tell your youngins it doesn’t need to go in EVERY hole) and then I went to the nurse.  Being that I was all bloody and in tears, I was sent home.

My last memory of the night was my mother and sister laughing and telling me I’m a lady now while I yelled “I don’t WANT to be a lady!”

Thankfully, I’ve yet to become one.

Now the twins, that’s another story.  On a completely different day I was sitting on the bus headed to school.  Titties were new to me then because I went from flat as a board to tits ahoy virtually overnight so when I felt my shirt brush against my boobies panic struck me as I realized I didn’t have a bra on.  I was also living in Syracuse, NY, where it’s always cold.

And my shirt was white.

So naturally I headed right to my gym locker hoping to find something to slip on over it but alas, it was empty.  I went to the office to call my mom, who sounded mighty pissed off but said she’d send my brother along with one for me so I wouldn’t have to suffer through an entire day of ridicule and harassment.

That didn’t matter.  Even with the bra they tortured me.  Tortured me for so long that my friend Amy actually quoted “What’s shakin, baby” in her high school yearbook ‘I will never forget section’.  Yeah.  Thanks, Form.  Much appreciated.

Because it’s me, I was told that I had to give a class presentation that morning.  No.  No PLEASE I begged.  My teacher hated me and made me stand up and give some lecture on Lewis and Clark or some bullshit and I started doing so with my arms held up like I was holding a paper but since I was giving the speech from memory holding invisible paper my teacher actually stopped me and made me put my hands down by my side “to use proper form”.  I know she saw my nipples.  She’s a lesbian.

I’m down with that – I’m just sayin’.  I nip easily and constantly and it’s not exactly like they’re not obvious under a white t-shirt.

So in confidence I decided to tell Sarah about my dilemma.  Forgetting that she was my best friend and given the fact we were in either grade, she immediately turned around and told the entire hallway I was bra-less, hence starting the term “What’s shakin’ baby” because I burst from nothing to a C cup in about 45 seconds.

Here’s where it gets embarrassing -

I was paged over the intercom to come to the office.  Don’t worry, this is almost over.  It hurts me as bad as it hurts you.  Maybe more.  I’m painfully post-hammered.

So I’m paged to the office and handed a brown bag.  I open the bag and in it find the coveted bra I so desperately wanted.  Behind the counter teachers everywhere are laughing.  As my math teacher watches me peek into the bag to verify it’s contents she says to me, “Your brother Chris brought this in.  It wasn’t in a bag.  He just walked in here, tossed it on the counter and told us to page you by name.”

What the fuck dude.

Speaking of bras, I forgot to put one on today.

At least I don’t have a uterus.

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Written by Julie Maloney in: Adventures

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