This One Is For Me
I want to swim in chocolate pudding. I want cold chocolate pudding. I want to put myself in a giant tub of chocolate pudding.
I can’t even tell you why.
In one week, I have had an operation, pneumonia and NOW I AM GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE.
I am going through fucking menopause whilst hacking up some scary ass shit and hobbling from the five incisions made in my abdomen.
BITCH FEST – ALL MINE -SKIP THIS PART-
Who the fuck can recover from five incisions that removed all of my female organs when they are coughing up three quadrants of their lungs? ME. I can. I can do that while I fear the onslaught of a searing heat of an oven flash up my neck and through my face. I have checked my temperature every damn hour for 5 fucking days and I have a constant fever. One day, it’s 104. Okay, that’s scary. Now, I’m “healing”. It sits just under 100. I have frost bite on my neck and chest because I have been applying ice packs directly from my freezer both on my chest and UNDER MY ASS to relieve myself of this hell.
I cry. I am unsure why. Today, I remembered that about 5 years ago, I was sent a free sample of menopausal relief and I laughed. This evening, I was bawling as I ripped open cabinet doors searching for that long lost packet promising relief. Instead, I placed my face on my glass kitchen table, hoping to soak the cool from it into my body and I cried.
I feel prefectly level-headed. That’s the thing. I can SEE all of this happening to me. I understand this process. Shit, I’ve gone though menopause twice in life (medically induced) but it was NOTHING like this. My extreme use of CAPS throughout this post should effectively express the frustration I am feeling.
I’m nice again. I know some of you are saying I’m always nice. I’m not always nice. When the “polar” part of my “Bi-Polar” decided to team up with the ugly face of my raging hormones (or lack thereof), I managed to seek out those I love the most and blindly torture them (Don’t worry, no children were harmed in the making of my crazy. I will be wring Spongebob a thank you note soon). I didn’t even know I was doing it. Shit, I haven’t even been told what I’ve done (please don’t tell me). It’s like out of a horror movie. One second, I’m smiling and happy and the next I’m hurting so bad that I find a way to emotionally scar another, without even consciously meaning to. I’m sorry mom, I get it now.
I can’t believe how much all of you love me. I will never and I mean NEVER forget this. I promise that all the wrath of Julie has gone (for the most part. I mean, give me about 4-6 more weeks. Then it’ll be gone for sure. Probably).
Another thing I hate. I hate having to use parenthesis because I never effin know if I’m supposed to ). or .). Ha. That last .). looked like boobies. It was supposed to be just a .) but I didn’t know how to end it so I just put a .
DO YOU SEE HOW FUCKED UP I AM?
I know I’m going to have some good friends ask me to take all the F Bombs out, and believe me, I would, but then I’d be dropping them on you so bear with me just this one time for the greater good. Fucking parenthesis.
I am sorry you had to read this (if you did, you may have skimmed though it, saw a funny sentence and are going to think “wacko” and move on. The rest of you will read it in it’s entirely, think “Awww…wacko” and add a 
or a 
to your comment, which I love, because it’s what I do when I leave all of you comments.
I apologize for being a shitty commenter. You know I love you. You know I read you. I will get back into the swing of things. Like the people close to me who I have been torturing, I ask you allow another 4-6 weeks of unexpected behavior, random tweets and facebook status messages combined with one hell of a Blogher drunken Tweet fest, since that is the next time I am allowed to consume alcoholic beverages.
So let’s just sum this up. Just for me. Hysterectomy. All of it. Ovaries, uterus, tubes. Shit, there was even mention of some bowel action in there (took me five days to drop a solid, it was like the lights from heaven shined down on me that day). Toss in brain damaging type fevers and a glossy bout of one of the worst illnesses known to man (Eff you swine flu. Pneumonia’s got you beat.) Give me needles in the stomach, blood transfusions, hot flashes. Play a little hide the vein and stab me repeatedly by two techs at the same time to race to see who can IV me first after three others had tried and failed (wanna see my arms?) TAKE AWAY MY RIGHT TO SEX FOR THE NEXT TWO MONTHS AFTER ALREADY CUTTING ME OFF LAST MONTH. I mean, COME ON! Do these people know anything about me? I don’t wear pants on Sunday, for crying out loud.
Any who, just wanted to say hey. See how y’all are doing. Wanna catch up with the haps in your house. How ya feeling? Life got ya down? I am not a fan of feeling sorry for myself, I prefer when others do it for me but right now I’m screaming out a big ass WAH!!! Get me the fuck out of here! Take me to Kansas! Jenn! JENN!
Go right now. Call your mother. Apologize for making her cry that one day she asked for chocolate pudding and you brought her tapioca. Do not ever get mad at or blame another woman over the age of 50 for anything ever again. They brought us into this world through nine months of hormonal hell followed by 18 to 21 (or more) of us torturing them. Now they must stink and sweat and suffer the emotional trauma of seeing a red fluffy bear being ripped apart (by their own hands). Give them a break. I just walked into my kitchen, cried on my mom’s shoulder and thanked her for letting me do nothing for this week. I haven’t Tweeted, Facebooked or hardly written a thing (until now) and I’m coming around.
I am happy. I am truly happy. I have the most wonderful people in my life. You. All of you. You make me know I will be okay. Total strangers are my closest friends who I will treasure forever (standby: weeping). and I appreciate all you have done. I will say it until I stop saying it but for now I am saying THANK YOU. The fact that you not only have read me, but continue to keep coming back to read me astounds me. I annoy the shit out of myself. Hell, I might be annoying you right now. Yet you’re still here for me. THAT, my friend, is what makes all of this okay. THAT is why I keep smiling. THAT is why I love YOU.
60 Comments »
RSS feed for comments on this post | TrackBack URL | Create your avatar
I love you
There with you for the wacked out crazy ride of menopause… we truely are somehow related I guess. Anyway – I’m glad you’re on the upside for now… and just so you know, like you can’t stand using ())(()…. I over do this “……” very often, and most often to annoy others 
happy happy day. I love you my ju ju bean….~hugs~
BassAckwards Mom´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – RockBand
Dude. I’m here. I’ll see you in 3 weeks! I love you, hang in there and lose the apologies by then.
Julie Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:05 am
Dude, you should be sleeping. I love you more than I love my black lab right now. You know what a great dog he is? Seriously, I erected a totem pole that looks exactly like me and at the top of that pole is you on a platter, surrounded by all the good things in the world where it’s high up and there’s no one to bother you and there are sales at CVS, Walgreens and Kinney that are open only to you.
We love all your personalities… I know about the polar, but I didn’t know about the bi. You should be on hormone replacement stuff NOW!
xxxoooxxx
Dr. B.´s last blog ..FIRST GUANTANAMO BAY DETAINEE BROUGHT TO US; PROMPTLY ESCAPES AND KILLS 5,600 IN ‘HELLISH FLAMES’
Julie Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:03 am
That’s the thing. I started premarin that day. I think I need to quadruple my dose, daddy. I’m a fucking mess.
This experience sounds absolutely miserable for you. I’m so sorry that you’re going through it. Thank heaven you have a great mom!
MarcomMom´s last blog ..The concrete jungle: bullying and grace
Awww, even though there is a bunch of craziness above it is real, it is what you are feeling and I imagine that is what your readers, your friends want to see whether there are a bunch of () and F bombs or not.
I hope you start to feel better soon
therese´s last blog ..What Would You Have Done?
You rock, Julie! Get well, we’ll be here! XXOO
Stepmommy says they start out low with the Premarin and that it takes a week to a week and a half to build up in your bloodstream. She also says your body was ASSAULTED; there’s no better word for it, and your whole body has to recover. xxxoooxxx
Dr. B.´s last blog ..FIRST GUANTANAMO BAY DETAINEE BROUGHT TO US; PROMPTLY ESCAPES AND KILLS 5,600 IN ‘HELLISH FLAMES’
Julie Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:12 am
But wasn’t the assult on Thursday? I’m pretty sure Tomorrow is once again Thursday. She started me on premarin that same day and I haven’t missed a dose. Make it STOP Daddieeeeeeeeee. I want Friendly’s and a snuggle.
Errr… I should be sleeping? It’s not 3AM yet..
Julie Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:14 am
I was just wondering that. Good point. I probably should be but I had to vent and this is the only way I know how.
At the risk of turning Momspective into Twitter:
Do you want stepmommy and me to come down? Will you be OK?
Julie Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:21 am
I’m okay. I don’t wanna miss Sandy’s birthday. It’d crush us both. We’re leaving a week from today and mom seems to have it handled. She can push the stroller and I’ll have a wheelchair and an arsenal of hand sanitizer and airborne. I wanna see you two ASAP so I can weep on each shoulder. I have enough tears for both.
and we both have enough shoulders for your tears, sweetie. xxxoooxxx
We now return Momspective.com back to its regularly scheduled commenting
Julie Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:30 am
Nah, I”m cutting out for tonight. I just got inspired to bitch that post out in hopes it brings some sympathy giggles my way. I find writing is the only thing I have that is truly my own right now and if a though strikes me, I usually get to it after I recover from the blow. Night, Daddy. Thanks for marrying mom long enough to have me. I love you and Buffy so very much.
Hey julie….sorry to hear about how bad this is going for you…I had my hysterectomy 3 years ago…I lucked out and only had 2 cuts instead of 5, and never got sick after the surgery……but those damn hot flashes…are insane….my husband woke up to find it snowing in our room and me stripped buck naked with the covers ripped onto to the floor….but i have never felt better mentally or physicaly….and ever having your . again is that greatest thing!!! so hang in there…..it will get better!!:)
Bless your heart. I can totally feel you through this post. My Mom had a full hysterectomy many moons ago. My Mom actually is bi-polar. The hormone changes from her hysterectomy mixed with bi-polar disorder was a nightmare, to say the least. I know whatever I say won’t help. I cannot imagine what you are going through personally. I am thinking of you and I hope this recovery is as quick and painless as possible.
Sara Bonds´s last blog ..Ordinary and Awesome :: Mostly W.W. HQ
MENOPAUSE TOO!? WTF! Can you get any shittier of a deal!? COME ON! SERIOUSLY! *looks up at sky* Give my girl Julie a damn break already, mm K?
Honey. Oh, my dear, sweet honey of a girl, you have been through SUCH an ordeal and you need not apologize EVER for ANYTHING. I am so grateful that you are alright, you just don’t even know. I swear to crap the second I step foot back in NC I’m driving to that hospital and kicking somebody in the teeth. Just give me a name. Any name. Could be an orderly or the chatty cathy murse too busy to answer your call, I’m so there, I’m so bringin’ my bitch game, it’s so on like Donkey Kong you just.don’t.know.
In the meantime, I’m packing dry ice for you for BlogHer. I’ll wrap it pretty, no worries.
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting´s last blog ..Toddler Antennae?
Julie Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 9:58 am
I have gotta tell ya, in the short time we’ve started talking, you have become one of my all-time favorite people. I can not WAIT to buy you a beer.
Don’t tell me you’re gonna go and get all cheesy/lovey dovey!
I liked angry Julie too so don’t completely let her slip out the window.
Glad you’re feeling a little better. I get hot flashes ALL THE TIME and living in FL makes it even worse. I’ve taken to sticking an ice pack in each armpit for more immediate relief. Gross but true.
Also, if someone’s asking you not to fucking say fuck in your post then they probably shouldn’t be reading your blog anyways. Not cool to censor someone else. Grr.
Casey´s last blog ..Funky Foto Flashback: Some Things Never Change
Sorry you have to go through this. Hope the 4-6 weeks goes by quickly.
Secret Mom Thoughts´s last blog ..S is for…
I can totally understand your pain, frustration and “pissed-off” edness. Go girl. You have a bath in the chocolate pudding!
Annette Piper´s last blog ..Winter mistaken for spring – but not for long!
It’s okay if you’re a wacko, because your OUR wacko!
(I couldn’t resist doing that.) Hugs!
julie @ mom by faith´s last blog ..mostly wordless wednesday: i was so close…
What a nightmare you have been through!!!! Thank you for sharing so deeply with us. I hope you get to feeling better soon.
Alli C´s last blog ..Long Time – No See
This is definitely the most miserable part of getting older and my heart goes out to you. I hope you are able to find some relief, somehow, someway, soon.
Lynne´s last blog ..Not So Wordless Wednesday
Julie Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:09 am
But I’m only 32! WAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Awww…you’re my favorite wacko (
) and you know I love you and will be here for you in whatever capacity I can. It would only be a 7-8 hour drive to get to you from my house in PA, so if you ever need me to be there, just say the word and I’m there. Promise. ((HUGZ!!))
Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)´s last blog ..Thousand Words Thursday – A Pouting Moment
I’m sorry to hear that you are suffering. I heard in the past that a hysterectomy causes SUPER menopause. Ala Mack Truck style. I hope you can find some relief. Oh, geez, I just saw that you are 32. So your symptoms will be much worse, because you are going through major withdrawl symptoms from your natural hormones. Hugs from here.
Opus #6´s last blog ..Find Your Tea Party
Totally sucks man. Stop the apologies because you have nothing to apologize for. Being a loyal follower means understanding during the tough times and being there to virtually hold your hand. Get well soon and know that we are there with you every step of the way.
Maria@Conversations with Moms´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Important day
That absolutely made my morning, thank you so much! The feeling is quite mutual, honey
You just keep your feet up and get healthy so we can get trashed. Er, I mean, you can get trashed, I’ll have sip and take loads of pictures. Still breastfeeding *le sigh*
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting´s last blog ..The Story Behind the Toddler Antennae
Julie Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:01 pm
That’s the downside of a mommy blogging convention, everyone is pregnant or lactating. I’m going to be the only 32 menopausal mommy with a non contageous hacking cough.
So. Two years, huh? I have to wait TWO YEARS to see you whenever I want?
Oh girl I wish I knew what you were going through but I don’t. I so feel your pain though through this post. It will all be ok really. Just get better and like everyone else said stop apologizing. You have no need what so ever to apologize you are going through a real shitty time right now
We all love ya!!
Nichol´s last blog ..Free Gift from Enfamil!
Julie Reply:
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Oh, sweetie, no. I hope you never have to go through anything like this. It you do, you call me and I will walk you through it. I’ll carry you through if I have to.
that was suppose to be a sad face looks like I’m happy your going through such a hard time nope i’m not
Nichol´s last blog ..Free Gift from Enfamil!
Believe it or not, it will get better (I know its hard to believe right now)
I went on Premarin for about a year after my complete ovarectomy/hysterectomy and have been hormoneless for about 9 years now.
When I went for my last mammogram the woman who did it, “ata girled” me for not being on hormones (I have no idea why)
Went to my dr the other day because my mind seems to have become fried. I used to multitask all day long and now I can’t seem to form words in English or remember something I read 5 seconds ago; she said its menopause….I have my hysterectomy/ovarectomy over 10 years ago!
Ahh, I digress
Sending you “thoughts of chocolate pudding” and many healing vibes!
It will get better