This motherfucker wants me dead.

That’s right.  Dead.

That, my dear friends, is my stalker Frog.  If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you’ve heard of him.  If you don’t follow me what the fuck dude?  Just look in my sidebar, there are all kinds of ways to stalk my ass.  Get on  it.   The Frog.  The Frog is so smart he refuses to show his face so I can’t pick him out in a police lineup. I’ve tried to take dozens of pics but I’m too scared to get too close to him, lest he attack with some venom.

If he was a toad I totally lick his back or some shit so I could trip my face off but whatever.

I wasn’t going to write this today but my mind is numb and I was told I’d probably write this today anyway.  His minions are doing his dirty work.  Rumor has it he’s watching me from afar and laughing at me as he poops on my neighbors porch.

He comes every year.  He usually just shows up nightly to terrify me as I let my dog out.  Sometimes he’ll be at the back door and I’ll squeal and run to the front and he’ll be there.  Waiting.  Watching.  He moves at lightening speed and from what my neighbors tell me,  he shits a lot.

I’m pretty sure he’s into social networking because I have been taking pics of this monstrosity over the past few months this summer so he’s been laying low.  I know he’s there though.  I’ve seen him multiple times.  He’s even started mating and wooing the children of this town, allowing them to pick up and hold his children so they think they are but harmless creatures. I’m not alone though, others are telling me they are seeing him (and his poo).

He’s started a posse.  Hired minions to do his dirty work.  They watch, they lurk – they bite.

A few weeks ago I rocked out on the slip n’ slide and then was all like “Shit, dude.  Check this out. Something bit me”.  It was like a mosquito bite only it was rock hard and itched like a mo-fo.  It didn’t swell, it just fucked me up for about three days itching.  Scratched til I bled.

Then comes the lizard -

I go out of town last week for a photo shoot and I come home to an excited five year old who found this lizard on my porch.  Smart Frog, sending an irresistibly adorable lizard to my home whilst out of town.

I come home and there he is, in a cage under rocks.  Like I wouldn’t know he was there.  He heard my voice and out his head came.  He watched me.

I think he took the time on the inside to gather intel for the Frog.  I returned home and said “HELL NO” and ran to the woods to set him free.  He ran to the Frog.

So the Frog gets wind of my plans for the new few weeks and then it starts.  First it’s the apocalyptic beetles. Not even like Ringo, man.  These are dozens of nasty beetles that fly to the light of my house, smash into it and die. I can take a picture but it’s nasty.

Along comes the mantis.

Sneak move, Frog.  Sneaky move.

Oh yeah, he’s watching me.  I was outside writing while the kids played and my neighbor was like, “Watch out,  That fucker’s gonna rip your face off.” (I’m paraphrasing.)

It didn’t matter where I went, he sat and watched.  That creepy little head turning, watching me.  Taking that pic terrified me but I needed to try to gather all the evidence I could to lock my frog stalker up.  The Mantis stayed all day.

I’m not sure what the mantis heard but the Frog decided to act quickly.  I think he knew I was onto him because I brought him up during my mantis picture taking convo.

The following day, I was about to go let my dog out when I met Mothra.

Like a scene out of The Godfather, only I wasn’t in bed and it wasn’t the head of a horse.  It was a threat all the same.

That fucking thing sat on my porch window screen outside getting the lay of the land both inside and out.  He feared nothing.  Again, taking his picture was terrifying but I just knew something was up.  This was getting out of control.  Fall is fast approaching and I think the Frog knows his stalking days for this year may be over.

Then it happened.  He got me. The Frog nearly took me down.

I went to a party yesterday.  It was outdoors.  How was I to know the Frog had some supersonic hornet tracking me?  For all I know he latched onto the car so as to stay close.  Maybe there’s an insect coding system and the Frog sent a message with a bounty on my head.  Since he’s really small and his minions have to be at his level to hear him well, the message to destroy only went as far as my ankle.

Smart move on his part though, telling his minion to attack the very same spot I was initially stung so many weeks ago.  Kudos to you for that, Frog.  Well played.

That’s the hot picture of the damage.  I’m really vain so I had to toss a little leg in there. Take a look at my ankle.  There’s a closeup coming but it’s so nasty I need you to know the rest of me is still hot because I have kick ass legs.

That fucking hornet has some sort of GPS tracking device on me and honed in on the exact same area he got me the first time – weeks ago – when it was just a hard little annoyingly painful itch.

Now the Frog knows. He knows how to destroy me…

No shit.

I almost didn’t want to put this up here but I had to show you.  The Frog is winning.  He has taken the lead.  All of my efforts to thwart him are useless.  I am powerless to his brilliance.

I facebook’d the event since my step-mama’s a nurse and can advise me.  I also pretty much use Facebook as a way to have the world take care of me without me having to drive to the ER.

Over a period of a few hours, I posted pictures and asked questions and was basically told to get my ass to Urgent Care or a frog-shaman to cure my ailment.  Maybe they said the ER.  Whatever.

I thought about it but then Googled allergy to bites and it said if I was gonna die from it, it’d be pretty much immediately after the GPS hornet got me.

What I decided to do instead was heavily drug myself so I could sleep.  I had dreams that the Frog managed to finally take me out.  I was dead and gone, buried deep into the ground.  My poor adoring father was looking for the perfect headstone to place on my grave as the Frog proudly sat on the grass already growing over me.

Then I heard beeping.  At the time I thought it was the Frog saying his final goodbye. I thought he had placed a bomb upon my grave and it was going to explode at any moment, ensuring there was nothing left of me.

Turned out it was my new alarm clock.

So I drag my ass up at 8 this morning.  My swelling has gone down but I’m all scratched up.  I guess I must have been at it all night rubbing away.  I called my doctor and gave them the 411 on my stalker and they want to see me this afternoon.

Together, we can beat this Frog (not literally – I refuse to injure or kill a living thing unless it poses a threat to my children.  Let’s hope the Frog can’t read this and go after them because I’ll go all Peter Gabriel with a sledgehammer on that psycho).

The doctor is going to give me an epipen thingy to make sure I can fight off any subsequent allergies.  The more the GPS zombie death hornet attacks, the higher the possibility of my body going into anaphylactic shock will occur, causing that bastard his victory.

This time, I will be prepared. I’ll duct tape that fucking pen to my ass if I have to so that I can grab it no matter where I am if the GPS fly attacks yet again.

I also might start bathing in DEET.

I have to end this post.  I just heard a buzzing around my head.  My heart is pounding.  I’m afraid he sent a smaller fly to try to take screenshots of this story to let the Frog know my plan.  I also fear it could be a mosquito just waiting for the right time to attack.

He might not be able to kill me, that mosquito, but he sure as shit could annoy the hell out of me.

Together my friends, we can defeat the Frog.  Good luck and Godspeed.

Be Sociable, Share!

•