You want to make me happy?  Fill my room with these.  I can’t get enough of these.  I walked into the store, saw that giant pile of Pillow Pets and dove right in.  I want Pillow Pets.  Everyone send me a Pillow Pet. Please.

Fuckin’ Christmas.  This is a rant.  I’m about to bitch.  I’m sorry but the only day I like is the day before Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve Eve.  The calm before the storm.  The storm that is officially a 48 hours long hell where we wake up and run wild from house to house, dragging our children everywhere, holding our breath waiting to see we “get” to open up, “help” put together and eventually step on when we’re not paying attention.

That’s right.

LEGOS.

I don’t know if anyone who has bought anything for my children is reading this but if you are and if you have bought these things I’m SO SUPER SORRY but you totally fucked my feet up. THIS is what I really hate about Christmas -

Fucking everything.

Sorry. Okay.I’m sorry.

No.  No I’m not.  I don’t know why I said that.  I think it was out of obligation.  I can’t lie to you.

Let’s start with LEGOS.  I will step on them.  Nothing will be built.  Everything will be mixed together and I’ll have them all organized (or dumped in one giant LEGO container) and somehow my children will manage to dump the entire bin over, spread them all over the carpet and do absolutely nothing with them.  At just five and two, I believe they possess both the knowledge and the drive to strategically place them throughout my home knowing where my feet will land so it hits the soft spot, causing me to immediately fall to the ground screaming as I hold my foot and grab my phone to Tweet and Facebook that my eternal damnation will be paved with LEGOS.

I’m fairly sure they won’t be contacting me for a review.

PlayDoh. That Moon shit. Crayons.  Markers.

THEY ALL STAIN MY CARPETS.

Candy.  Dude, seriously?

One year I took my son to my cousins and she gave him a bunch of chocolate, a huge glass of kool-aid and she grabbed him by the feet and shook him.  No shit.

Revenge will be mine.

People are crazy and spending their money.  Traffic is insane and children are running.  Stressing about things they’re going to bring – these are a few of my most hated things.

All the money, spent on bullshit, parking spaces – think I got hit.

Gift cards for people that I hardly see, these are a few of my most hated things.

Yeah. I just burst into song.  I am so fucking amped up.  I’ve never liked Christmas.  It has nothing to do with anything at all.  I don’t like the lights, I don’t like the sweaters.  I can’t stand the malls and I stress under pressure.

I can’t stop blogging this in any other way but song.  I’m going to take two Xanex just to get through tomorrow.  Then I’m going to take a few more to get through taking a five and two year old on a flight from Charlotte to Syracuse to visit my family.  I adore my family.  I can’t wait to dive into a vat of gravy at the B’Ville diner with meh daddie.  I’m going to go to Singers and Wallys and I’ll probably go snowmobiling on the farm but I’m absolutely petrified of the snow and the cold.  In my head I wasn’t going this year so the sudden decision to head up North has caught me off guard and I’m both thrilled and anxious.  I need my family.  I’m so used to going up there every three months but since Jake started Kindergarten that can’t happen so this little four day jaunt actually makes the visit super special since I haven’t been there since the summer.

The cold, man.  The cold.  I know I’m from there but I’ve been living here for nine years.  I say “Y’all”.  I am a Southern gal.  I’m super nice and overly outgoing.  I hate everything but in a very nice way but the COLD.  I don’t care who you are.  Eight damn feet plowed up on the side of the road on the number one rated “coldest city” in the nation is not pleasant.  I told my mom we’ve been getting hit with some 30 degree temps here so I can deal and she said “Thirty?  We’ve had it below zero!”

I took a Xanex.

This entire post is useless. I’m just tweaked and this is my diary to the world.  More power to you for reading it.  I’m not going to.

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