I have the best fucking legs EVER.  If I was gay I’d do myself – oh wait!  I already can!  YAY!!!

Well now it’s time for Sexcapades, where I make my father’s eyes bleed and men everywhere jealous of whomever I’ve decide to write about.  Whee!

A long, long time ago I was in Cleveland at a thing with a co-worker of mine.  He was as gay as a lark on Snow White’s finger and spotted a smoking hot guy outside with a group of other guys.

Him – “Mmm-mmm, honey I’m going to get me a piece of THAT!”

Me – “Yeah. No you’re not.  We don’t even know if he’s gay and if he is I’m turning him straight because I want a bite of his man meat too.”

Okay, fine.  We decided we were both going to go after him without straight up asking which way he went.  He was very well put together and had his tongue pierced and was just so fucking delicious I was actually afraid I’d lose this one.

We started off mingling with his group because it turned out we were all there for the same training.  We asked if they were going to the bar after and he said he was only 18 (I was 23, between husbands and yes I’ve been married twice).  I remember calling him a baby and suggested they go swimming after class was over as I walked away making sure my ass was noticed(I have a great ass).

A little while later Andy and I went to the pool.  (Side note: Every Andy/Andi I know is gay).  To our pleasure we saw Alaska (that’s where he was from and what I’ve called him since I met him) and I waited a few minutes as everyone got in the pool.

Being awesome I waited until everyone had settled when I pulled my dress off to revel the glory that was me in a bikini.  I was a size six with 34DDD’s (I had a reduction in 2006) and super long straight blond hair.  I stepped into the water and kept my eye on Alaska but I still couldn’t tell what he was thinking.  Even Andy was checking me out because gay men love boobs.

I did have one point in my favor.  After a few minutes of swimming Alaska came up out of the water directly in front of me.  Caught off guard I said the only thing that came to mind – “Nice tongue ring”.  As he swam off I heard him say “Yeah and I know how to use it too” and Andy threw out a nice little “Ooh” and I was both frustrated and super turned on.

Later on that night we all hit an 18 and over club.  I remember there was a bunch of then WWF wrestlers (before the WWE days) and I got myself good and hammered (shocker there).  I remember being up on the stage dancing when I saw Andy and Alaska walk off.  Disheartened that I had lost the bet, I continued to drink and party the night away.  It was hours later that I was in my hotel room and I heard a knock.

Turns out I won and he absolutely did know how to use that tongue ring.  He said he was kicked out of the club for drinking and had been waiting for me to get back to the hotel ever since.  We continued to talk long after meeting and I visited him in Alaska a few months after we met and I think we left the house once because I told him if I didn’t get some pictures no one would believe I even went.  All we did was screw.   In the bed, on the couch and once in the tub.  And on the counter.  And against the livingroom wall. I never in my life have had an adventure like Alaska.  He is SO NOT GAY.  I never told him about the bet and I can’t find him on Facebook.  That’s probably a good thing because he’s the man I measure all men up to and I’m pretty sure I’d hop on a plane to wherever he was to see if his tongue is still pierced.

Well done, Alaska.  Well done.

Note: I kept this as not dirty as possible because I have family that reads this and I don’t want to paint a mental picture that will make them throw up a little in their mouths.

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