Go Random. Go To The Un Mom. Right Now. Well, Read This First. Then click this. She's hawt.

Okay, so I’m SO glad today is Tuesday for several reasons.  A) It’s not Monday B) I’m allowed to spew forth total bullshit in no particular order and C) I go out Tuesday nights and I”m super excited about it but I don’t want to see any alcoholic beverages for about a month, so I’m just going to sing and hang out with my friends.

Dude.

I made a total asshat out of myself July 4th.  I forgot that I wasn’t talking to all of you guys.  My life involves working online, traveling, doing that housework bullshit that sucks but has to be done and having one night a week out (Tuesday! YAY!) to sing.  What that means is that besides being able to be as obnoxious as I want to in a bar or online, I really shouldn’t be allowed to go to public events involving copious amounts of free alcohol at a proximity that doesn’t require a cab or driving.  All I had to do was be carried about twenty feet.

Holy fucktards,  that party was awesome.  The day after the party SUCKED.  I sent a neighbor-friend a text asking what her plans were for the day and she told me about what I didn’t remember doing the night before. It seems I started talking like I was on Facebook.  I think the things I was saying to the last people six people standing who were also hammered was absolutely inappropriate and most likely hilarious to me and you, but the following day when people were commenting on it they seemed to think it was less funny.  I also think it was misconstrued, but there’s nothing I can do about that.

I love my FedEx guy.  So does my dog.

So while the party itself was as awesome as you are, I was thrilled that I had an appointment with my psychologist the following day.  It turns out people who don’t know me really well probably don’t want to now and I had a massive panic attack. It was  just me with my mouth running and with drinks involved, I have no control over it and I didn’t have a  Julie-sitter to reign me in so now I’m just going to lay low for a while and hope it blows over.

I have a lot of reviews to write and I like to write them every other day.  I also have a giveaway running.  You get a $25 gift card.  If you want one, you can go HERE and see how.

My kids are at camp all summer that starts early so Ryan takes them and I get to sleep in.  I always assumed I’d sleep til noon but it turns out I wake up at about 9:30 every morning, so that’s impressive.  I used to go out Friday nights and wouldn’t want to get out of bed the next day but with this new freedom, I can go out Tuesday nights.  I have to sing karaoke at least once a week – I love singing.  My friend that runs it works Tuesdays and Fridays, henceforth allowing me to go out on Tuesday and not feel like a dick for sleeping in the following day.  It’s also” Wordless Wednesday” where I just have to post a picture with a catchy title so it’s the perfect day to sleep in.  Now I get to lounge around Wednesday afternoon, just commenting and playing around on the internet and I can get up at around 9:30 on the weekends where my family spends out time in the pretty decent sized baby pool listening to music and constantly reapplying SPF50 because I am terrified that this blazing fucking sun is going to set my family on fire.

Speaking of family, mine came down for the fireworks.  They’re legal in SC and the neighborhood contributes a bunch of cash and we blow some serious shit up into the sky.   I love my brother.  He cracks me up.  The beauty of my brother is that you can say absolutely anything you want to him, because he isn’t listening.  He just shows up and starts talking.  Much like me, he doesn’t really socialize with the outside world.  Also like me, he likes to talk.  I make sure I go out each week so I can talk.  I use social networking as a way to “talk” but you know what I mean.  My big bro?  I have no idea what he does but I’m pretty sure he told me about 756 times.  That man didn’t stop talking until the second he left.  I love him so very much that I think I might start calling him so I can set the phone down and throw the occasional “Yeah” or “I see what you’re saying” in, because he needs someone to talk to and I love my family.

French vanilla coffee fucking rocks.

I went to my friends house last week to get in his pool but I was running around trying to get my house ready for guests and errands run.  Since I got the “Get the fuck over here” call and I was already in my bikini (I figured I’d take 10 minute siestas in between tasks), I stopped at his pool on my way back from the bank.  Two things happened.  1) I realized I hadn’t shaved any part of my body in about 3 days so I looked like an 80′s porn star and 2) someone puked in the pool so it went on lock down.

Luckily for me, I managed to jump in the pool real quick and get a good swim in before it happened and then I hung out with Spence and friends for about thirty until the sun dried me and I could resume cleaning.

My father is fucking brilliant.  I’ve been trying to bring the use of the word “henceforth” back, and I use it frequently  but no one seems to be picking up on it.  I’ve recently been told that I say “awesome” a lot, henceforth (see?  it totally works) causing a ripple of “awesome” usage on my Facebook wall and I’m totally diggin’ it.  My father pointed out that if you end any statement with “especially in this economy”, you will sound smarter and he’s right.

I believe it started when I said shit about the adding “in bed” to every fortune cookie thingy but since most of my witty banter on Facebook involves my father and I making everyone laugh, rolling with his idea is fucking brilliant, especialy in this economy.

I just stretched.  Big mistake.  I should have either showered, put deodorant on or hosed myself with Febreze because I fucking stink.

While I love non dairy french vanilla creamer in my coffee, I find myself at war with the type of creamer to use.  The powdered shit adds the flavor but it’s just not as good tasting as the liquid but the liquid creamer cools the coffee off too quick and when I drink and write, it ends up being cold by the time I get to it, henceforth forcing me to either add more coffee or nuke it.

See?  Henceforth is totally awesome, especially in this economy.

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