FYI. That body?  NOT mine.  I’m assuming that body has mine beat by a decade and that makes me both angry and sad.

I travel a lot.  Lately, it seems at least monthly.  Don’t ask me how or where, because often I don’t remember or I’m not allowed to disclose that information lol.

I also like saying that it makes me feel like I’m Jack Bauer in 24, “I’m not allowed to disclose that information, ma’am”.

I don’t watch that show, so have to real idea if that’s something he’d say or not but somewhere in all of this is a point.  Oh, yeah.   Airbrush tanning.

Not sure if any of you have noticed or not but I am a WHITE girl.  White as the snow (insert a joke about yellow snow here, dad).  White as the nearest white item in front of you.  White as, well, white.

Typically when I travel, I usually get the Mystic tanning done.  It costs about ten million dollars and takes three or four sessions so you never know how it’s going to look.  I’m certainly not going to fake n bake (and was JOKING when I tossed that option out on Facebook, sorry Susie) because it’s a) way too boring and b) FRIGGIN’ terrible on your skin, ya tard.

So the other day I decided to give some other tanning studios a call.  I’ve gone to some that rip me off and provide no results yet somehow got me to sign something that forbids me from getting mad.  Others had me sign something that seems to want me to get mad because they end up charging me money even though I stopped going back.

Then I found this little privately owned place in my tiny little town of Fort Mill, SC.  I gave them a call and got this no-nonsense woman who told me I’m basically a total idiot for not looking out my window to see she was right there and she’d be able to airbrush my body to look however I’d like it to and I’d see drastic results that will decrease the following day with my first shower.

FOR ONLY $25 DOLLARS.

Ummm….YEAH!

So I ask how it’s done.  Nude? Bikini?  Turtleneck?

Anything I want, she said.

Awww, yeah.  I want ALL NUDE, baby.

Okay, so naturally, I have to prep the day of my spray.  She said shave (ugh) and exfoliate my entire body prior to arrival.  I swear, it must have taken me two hours to do that.  First of all, how do we exfoliate?  Secondly, I’m a MOM.  Didn’t we stop shaving about seven months into our pregnancy or was that just me?

I can rock the bush like as 80′s porn star.  Dad, I TOLD you not to read this.

Anyway, since I’ve been traveling to mostly warm destinations, I’ve done some work on m’lady.  Last thing I need is some power bush sprouting from my bikini, so I did the best I could.

I have never bent myself into so many positions.  First of all, this is a woman who will be on her knees with a freezing cold spray who will do her best to accurately provide me with an even tan but still, I’m in the buff.

I’m telling you people.  Shaving in that shower put me in positions I didn’t know I could contort myself into and I saw parts of me I’m actually not sure I want to see again.

Being all exfoliated and shaved (holy shit), I headed to the tanning place, where I stood naked (yet felt MORE naked, even though that’s not possible) and think I spent the next hour being sprayed EVERYWHERE by a very brisk (to be kind) spray over my ENTIRE body (let’s just say I’m glad I found those parts).

Following that adventure, I had to remain in that room for an undetermined length of time standing NUDE in front of a COLD FAN in order to dry out.  I expected it would happen without the associate present but for reasons I she explained but I didn’t listen to given the circumstances,she remained casually by my side until I was dry.

Nothing like mindless chit-chat standing nude in a bathroom the color of a ripe pumpkin with a total stranger.  What did the conversation lead to?  The Wii Mommies.  HA. P-I-M-P.

Needless to say, I screwed it up.  I INSISTED I was dry. I don’t think she can legally do a full body check nor do I think she had the desire to, so she had to take my word for it.  That’s why I do these test runs prior to any possible future events.  I can figure out technique and color.  My knees, boobs, and various random parts I wrote down but the list isn’t in front of me came out white and I feel orange.  Both thumbs are orange and I had a tragedy that caused me to cry for two straight days (this one I’m keeping to myself for once) so my face is ruined.  At least I know sweating isn’t an option.

I’m going back this Friday and will have extra blond hair since I’m adding to that on Tuesday, so I’m thinking I’ll go for the Lauren Conrad look or some hot late teen celeb.  Not too tan (orange) not too light (I’m Polish & Irish) and when I’m all done, I’ll get some pictures taken and put them up for all to see.

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