That was from last Christmas Eve Eve.  When I first discovered the bounty and glory that is the Pillow Pet.  I don’t have them all but I do have a whole hell of a lot of them and today I’m going to talk about their names and where they came from.  There is a key person involved in all of my Pillow Pet shenanigans who not only doesn’t like to be talked about but he also doesn’t like being talked to for those of you who insist on reading my blog and then go running to said individual.  If he wanted to know what I was saying he’d read this himself.  That being said, through many trials and tribulations I have my friend back and I call him You because I think that’s hilarious.

Anyway, You and I went out last Christmas Eve Eve and I discovered this brand new world of owning a zoo that converts into a pillow.  My first pet was a Monkey.  I call him Monkey simply because I wanted to talk about spanking him.  On Christmas Eve Eve of last year You bought me Ted, named in honor of my late step-father and my friends late father (they have the exact same name, it’s creepy).

Sometime later on I bought a ladybug.  I can’t remember when but I know it was from Walmart and I honestly wasn’t ever too fond of her.  Named her Willow in honor of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  I ended up giving her to my son Joshua because her antennae bugged the shit out of me (no pun intended).  My son Jake was so jealous I bought him a dog and a penguin that he named Julie and Courtney (totally makes sense, we belong together) and recently I bought myself a mini-monkey I named Blue because my friend You makes “Blue’s Clues” noises and it inspired the name.  Blue is solely designed for travel.  It was too hard to take Monkey everywhere but Blue fits into any bag and is a perfect travel pillow.

When I took my trip with You to Galveston for my Carnival cruise promotion, You thought it was only fitting that he get his own pet (I confiscated it eventually) and he named him Red because it’s another color and it rhymes with Ted.   The two had a great time on the ship and I got an adorable post out of it that I don’t need to link to because you’re all very loyal and you’ve likely read it.

Then comes Balls.  OH MY GOD YOU I FUCKING LOVE YOU.

Balls is a pet that can be zipped up in pillow form or unzipped to become a blanket.  I love balls.  I can fit Blue right in him and travel with my Blue and Balls.  If you put all three together I now have Monkey Blue Balls so that right there is your reason why he got that name.  Balls is grand.  I don’t like when my knees touch when I sleep so instead of bunching all the blankets up like I normally do, I just put Balls between my legs and I have the perfect amount of comfort.  He’s silky and smooth and my Balls wraps perfectly around me.  I love playing with Balls.  I dance with him and like the way he feels so much I always find myself rubbing Balls against my face.

This Christmas Eve Eve You also bought be my new bear Bosco.  You named Bosco dating all the way back to the days he worked at a theme park and he lured people to come play games using different bears, all he named Bosco.  That’s the gist of the story anyway, I was manic as fuck when he told me and since he doesn’t read me I can admit that I was only half paying attention because I was wondering if my blood pressure was going to land me in the hospital.

Finally we have Bessie.  She’s my mini-cow.  I didn’t even want to get another one.  We walked into Walgreens and You grabbed her and made mewing noises with her and told me how bad she wanted to come home with me because someone was going to kill and eat her and it reminded me of my days growing up on the farm (yes, I grew up on a farm and no, I was not good at it) and I had a cow I favored that I named Bessie because that’s what I felt a cow should be named.  One day during dinner I distinctly remember saying “Where’s Bessie?” and I don’t know if it’s true or not but the devil said “You’re eating her” and that prompted me to stop eating all meat until I was twenty.  To this day I’ll only eat bacon, burgers, tacos and meatloaf.  I won’t go near a  steak.

I just bought my kids four Pillow Pets but they were pre-named.  Mader, SpongeBob, Mickey Mouse and Sir Purr from the Carolina Panthers.  What they don’t know is that You bought each one their own blanket pets, a dog for Jake and a monkey for Josh so I’m very excited to see what they name them when You gives them their Christmas gifts next time we hang out.  I’m willing to bet one of them is named Bob, but that’s just a hunch.

So that’s it!  I’m sure you were all just dying to know the history of my pets and the origin of their names.  Each one is super special to me and while I don’t think I can have enough of them, it’s gotten to the point where I only want You buying them for me because it’s becoming a tradition.  I suppose I can’t get pissy with him again if I want to increase my collection.  Forgive and forget right?  That’s what friends are for!

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