I think I was born in a bar. I remember being very young sleeping on a bench in a bar because it’s was an acceptable thing to do in the early 80′s and my mom’s late husband was a bassist and played in bars. I started going out when I was 14 and was served without I.D. all the time. Cute girls get away with a lot of shit.
I didn’t drink in my late teens and early twenties though. I did all the hippie drugs instead. I just followed suit like everyone else in my town was doing. I don’t regret anything I did because I experienced a ton of interesting things that made me who I am today and while I’m a mess sometimes I’m also a very creative, intelligent totally awesome person and I’d barely change me at all.
I started drinking when I was about 23. That’s an estimate but I remember someone introducing me to Vodka and cranberry and from there I went to Rum and Coke. I didn’t start in on the beer until I was in my middle twenties and before I had kids I partied like a rock star with my now ex.
We has so much fun together.
Of course I stopped in 2005 for one year and nine months (I breastfed) and I was a social drinker until I of course stopped for my second pregnancy.
I’m a social girl. I didn’t realize that I had a drinking schedule until I gave it up. I go out plenty without having anything to drink at all but if someone offered me something for free, I took it and people usually give me free shit. I’ve got skills.
I realized something about myself this week. I don’t need alcohol. Sure, I have a fun time getting loud and wild but I’m loud and wild anyway and all that I end up doing is waking up with a heavy depression and lack of motivation. I can live without alcohol (literally have to at this point). What I can’t live without is the bar.
I see no issue with my lifestyle. I’m a fantastic mother. My children are kind and brilliant and loving. We spend quality time together and I’m confident we’ll have a strong, loving bond for all of their lives, especially now that I’m developing more clarity as time goes on.
I work at a bar. I am naturally a nocturnal person. I’m separated and have shared custody but my children live with their dad. There’s no reason to shuffle them around when I’m only a few blocks away and every day I have off and night I’m not working I’m there having dinner with them as a family so they can still have the unity they deserve and I’m there tucking them in at night. He takes more responsibility because he wakes them each morning and sends them off to school but they need that strict routine in their lives, as do all children, and this works for all of us.
So I get to go out. When Ry wants to go, I stay at his place. We seriously have the healthiest separation ever. I always stay up late. I don’t drink but I still go to bars. Why? Because I love people. I can’t stand sitting alone watching TV at home. I don’t want to sit online all night. Shit, lately I can’t stand the thought of getting on the computer since I’ve come under attack but I’m taking everything with a grain of salt and I’m moving forward with my life. I work full time and I’m great at my job. I think I’m a good blogger and friend and I attend my meetings and see my children every second I can. When I have time for myself, I go to the bar.
Ahhh….the bar. I don’t like clubs. Hate them. Feel super uncomfortable in them. Found out last night why. I’m not the center of attention. There are lights and music and dancing and there are too many people moving in too many places and I’m not getting the attention I want. I have my bars. Two of them. One I adore. I LOVE the feeling I get when I take my time getting all dressed up (as you see from all the pictures I post) and I get a huge thrill the moment I walk in the door to any bar because everyone always looks up and I know I command enough attention that people will take notice when I stride through. I like knowing people are happy to see me. I like knowing people want to come talk to me and meet me. I love walking up to the staff and saying hello because I feel they are my family. I said I don’t drink so they don’t serve me and they don’t allow others to try to buy me alcohol. I’m drinking a lot of water and I’m losing weight so that rocks.
So yes, I stay up late and sleep in when I can. I get dressed up and party like a rock star. I do all of these unconventional things because the thought of conforming to the 9-5 work life makes me want to slit my wrists. I’ve done it. It doesn’t suit me. It depresses me. Life is pretty damn short and I’m hopefully only 1/3 of the way through mine so I’m going to live it as I see fit and that’s okay. I’m not polluting my body at all. I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs. I simply go out. I take my medications as prescribed and don’t abuse anything. I’m finding peace and happiness and while I have a lot on my plate and an unpredictable future, I’m balancing my life as best I can while making time to enjoy it so I don’t implode.
Thanks for letting me share.