I’m not even ready to talk Christmas yet, I have to tell you about Christmas Eve Eve first!  Oh, the most glorious of holidays!  It’s my favorite day of the year.  The tradition started last year (I wrote about it then too but I’m not digging for it) and it leaves room for adjustment but the basic premise is shopping.  The three places that are open and therefore will always be hit are Walmart, Toys R Us and CVS where I get my blood pressure taken.

Last year I got an early start so I added in Target and some other retailers but this year I went balls.  I hit karaoke Friday night and sang my Christmas Eve Eve song, “Baby It’s Cold Outside” with a friend of mine I was furious with before but now am cool with so you can stop talking shit about it and after the show I went to Walmart where I saw THIS parked in the parking lot -

I KNOW! A GREEN STALKER VAN! I saw that on my way in but was told I couldn’t get my picture taken with it until after we finished shopping there so you can’t imagine the manic glee that was emanating off of me when I saw it there over two hours after going in the store.

I should probably back up a minute and tell you about the picture at the top of the page.  I’m not sure if you’re aware of my Pillow Pet obsession but unless this is your first time reading me you should know by now that those plush bundles of love give me the ability to nap without Xanax.  Those cute little fuckers are all over the place.  My dog Ted was bought for me last year and I took him with me this year for his one year birthday out to see the same old sights from before.  Before this night I had a Monkey named Monkey and a Dog named Ted.  I also had a mini-monkey I call Blue and a mini-dog named Red.  Much to my surprise I come to find out there are Pillow Pet BLANKETS?! I got a monkey one for Christmas!  You can zip it up into a pillow or unfold it into a blanket.  I have an entire post I will be dedicating to my Monkey family but I’ll tell you know the blanket is named Balls so you can pretty much guess what I plan on doing with my story.

This tradition is carried out alongside my friend who doesn’t like any kind of publicity whatsoever but I have to make note that SOMEONE came with me or else all the pictures would be awkward to explain.  I’ll call this person “You”.

Okay so You and I sing karaoke then go to Walmart.  You gave me my blanket right before the trip over so I was pretty fucking manic at that point.  What You and I do when we get to Walmart is finish up our holiday shopping.  We also buy each other our Christmas gifts.  We each get to pick one thing out and we buy it for each other.  I got myself a new Pillow Pet!  WOW!  He’s a bear You named Bosco.  The naming of the Pet is always a big deal and there is much importance to each name. You got a CD.

We walked around Walmart and got our gifts then went outside and I got to get my picture taken with that green van.  More manic.  Then we headed on over to Toys R Us where just like last year we didn’t find shit to buy.  Following that we made our yearly jaunt over to CVS where we both found out we had high blood pressure.  Last year mine soared into the 200′s but this year it was like 147/98 or something close to it.  Stage 1 hypertension.  Yep.  I was manic! I seriously should have gone to en ER last year now that I’m thinking about it.

We got started so late it was 6:30 when we left CVS so we decided to swing on over to the Walgreens that was just opening it’s doors and much to my surprise and added mania I found my new mini-cow Bessie!  She’s ADORABLE.

Just as we left Walgreens I glanced through a parking lot and saw THIS -

A RED STALKER VAN!

It’s like Santa wanted me to know he loves me!  I got to see a red and a green stalker van and if you notice behind the van you’ll see it’s parked next to a white one.  There were actually three white ones I just couldn’t get a good picture of me with Ted and Bosco all together.

Since it was already nearing 8:00 we decided to take it to the mall.  We went shopping and I bought myself the most badass tee ever.  I’m wearing it out Wednesday and I’ll take a picture and I’ll post it on Facebook.  It’s awesome and I’m going to look SO HOT in it.

Basically that was about it.  We hit every store in the mall and I didn’t get into my bed until noon.  I slept clear through Christmas Eve into the night until I had my AA meeting and then I woke up at 7 on Sunday and did the whole Christmas thing.  I’ll toss that into tomorrow’s post.  Nothing near as exciting as my blood pressure skyrocketing from a manic episode due to an overabundance of Pillow Pets and stalker vans!  What more could a girl ask for?

Oh.  Socks.  I haven’t gotten socks from anyone yet.

I’m saving myself from having to come up with a creative story by answering a bunch of Christmas questions to satisfy my blogging quota for the day.  I took it from my friend from Secret Mom Thoughts.  Wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas or holiday of your choice!

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Well I can’t drink and I’m not allowed to have chocolate (which I would have picked) so I’m voting Cranberry & Sprite.

I was bitching a while back about not having anything to write about and someone suggested that I write about the holidays and I couldn’t for the life of me think of a solid holiday story.  Then I remembered the trip.  Oh, what a trip it was!  I tripped through the whole thing.  In every way possible.

It goes back to when I was roughly seventeen.  My then boyfriend (turned ex-husband) was in PA visiting his father and I was super duper sad and lonely so I asked a relative of mine to go on a road trip with me.  I ended up getting my mother’s permission to make the five hour drive to Connecticut to visit my grandparents and off we went.

I don’t remember the drive there.

I do, however, remember the car we drove – mine.  It was a white four-door 1986 Honda Accord and it had to have oil added to it every so many miles or it stalled out.  I had dozens of empty cans in my trunk.  I can’t count how many times we stopped during the trip up, mainly because I don’t remember it.

What I do remember was getting to Grandma’s.  I MISS THAT WOMAN.  Grandpa too.  Those are some funny people.  I’ve been meaning to tell Grandma stories.  Have I yet?  I might tell more.

So we get to Grandma’s and we settle in and then my relative hands me a handful of mushrooms.  Yep.  I had never had them ever before.  I’d drank and I’d smoked pot but I never tripped before.  I did for my first time. AT MY GRANDMA’S HOUSE.

She had a blue carpet and a couch with a red cover on it.  I remember sitting there thinking I was on a boat.  I know I was swaying because I had to stop myself from making swooshing noises.  Then I decided I had to talk to Casey so I went in the den to use the phone and I freaked out because I didn’t realize they had one of those giant button phones.  I thought my hands shrank.  I pretty much used my fist to pound out each number and tried but failed to get a hold of him.  If I did I don’t remember.

My next memory is of me walking out of the den to find Grandma at the organ with my relative and he said “Hey Julie!  I taught Grandma how to play ‘Iron Man’!”

I shit you not that had to be one of the most traumatizing moments of my entire life.  Grandma rocked out some Ozzy on her organ tongue out and all.  You see, Grandma was batshit crazy.  One of the funniest women I’ve ever met.  I lost her a few years later and of all the trips (heh) I ever took, that one probably holds the most value.  It seemed like so much shit happened those two nights (?) we were there.  I remember Grandma making Grandpa take out his teeth, that freaked me out.  I also remember going to so see “Junior” which REALLY freaked me out, especially since I was tripping face.

Then comes the ride home.  I was young and dumb and therefore still tripping and smoking pot.  I was also young and dumb enough to not stock up on oil when I was getting all the snacks I would need at the gas station.  I have no idea where we were but I know it was the middle of nowhere, cell phones didn’t exist and it was in a blizzard.  My car was dead.  We were literally rocking back and forth hoping we could propel the car until it got to a gas station.  We wanted help but not really because our pupils were the size of golf balls but it was so fucking cold out we had no idea what to do.

Then my relative came up with a plan.  It was a plan that actually worked.  We gathered every empty oil can I had in my car (sometimes not cleaning your car can be a benefit) and we sat there and poured out the last drops of oil from each bottle into one bottle to get enough to make it to the next rest area.  Since we were tripping it both took forever but also went really fast.  I know it had to be a while because we could see our breath in the car.  Then came for the putting the oil in the car.  Fuck no, I wasn’t going out in that blizzard.  If I did I don’t remember it which is fine by me.

We got just enough in there to make it to the next exit and we literally stalled out just as we were pulling in.  I freaked out for a second because I didn’t have any money (stoner) but then remembered my ma gave me her credit card so to our great pleasure we picked up like twenty gallons of oil, some Munchos and Nestea and were back on our way home to Syracuse.

That was one of my fondest Christmas memories.  I have another one I’ll tell tomorrow that just came to me.  I wasn’t tripping this time.  Someone else was though!

I’m pretty sure this happens to most bloggers around this time of year but I am getting so damn sick of blogging.  I love writing but I tend to do it five days a week, I need to think of new material and I’m hearing about how everything I write is passed on to other people who assume they know who and what I’m talking about when they don’t because I dont’ give names, I just give general statements and let imaginations run.

I can’t really give specifics on my personal life because A) I don’t have permish to talk about these people and B) It’s a fucking disaster.

I want to put all of Timothy Olyphant’s parts in my mouth.  Justified is the coolest show ever.  I’m re-watching season one and I’m obsessed (again).

There’s a vicious rumor going around that there are now Blanket Pets, the cousin to my beloved Pillow Pets.  If this is the case, I expect a Monkey to arrive at my door on Christmas Eve.

Speaking of which, I’m going to be completely alone that day.  I have every Saturday off and Ry takes the kids to see his side of the family that day so I’m going to be all by my lonesome.  I plan on going to AA at ten that night and at one in the morning there is a convention one of my pals is speaking at so I’ll be plenty busy from that night onward but I’m spending the day by myself.  I’m hoping the plans I made for Friday night actually follow through and I just end up sleeping all of Saturday away.  It’s just another day.

I bought four Pillow Pets total already for my kids  Mickey Mouse, Mader, SpongeBob and Sir Purr (Carolina Panthers).  I’m also getting them Rock Band 3.  I think I’m going to order it right now since I have to get it there by Saturday.  I need to be a better planner.  It still feels like Christmas is a month away.

I am the worst dancer ever.  I’m used to going to sing karaoke, that’s easy.  I get up on the stage and everyone (hopefully) looks at me as I (hopefully) belt out a rockin’ tune.  When we go dancing on Saturdays (my newest thing) I feel like a tool because Courtney is so graceful and stunning and is an actual professionally trained dancer and I’m so uncoordinated I was hit directly in the face with a basketball that was being thrown my way once in a failed attempt to catch it.

I had a girl come up to me Saturday and sloppily say “Let’s do a shot”.  No, I don’t drink.  “Come on.  Let’s do a shot”.  DUDE.  No.  I don’t drink.  Alcohol does not go into my body.  It was my 100th day sober, I was not going to blow it on this little girl.  “She won’t do a shot with me.  She ruined my plans to make friends with her.  I can’t be her friend.” was how that carried out.

I guess I lost out on a real charmer there.

I saw a woman drink red wine with a straw tonight.  She specifically asked for it.  She also asked me for my personal recommendation and when I told her I don’t drink wine but advised on the most popular one she said “Okay y’all let’s get me that and bring me a straw” but she said it in a real redneck way so say it like that when you read it. She also wanted to know the difference between red and white wines.  I told her the color.

I Facebooked this but I think it’s hilarious- If you want everyone in the bar to like you warn them of a potential police checkpoint down the road. They’ll love you for it. Personally I love checkpoints, I like to tell them how sober I am.  I totally do.  I’m like “I’m in AA bitches!  That’s what’s UP!  DD in the house!”

I don’t really do that.  It’s like they pack up the checkpoint just as it’s my turn.

Okay, I’m going to finish watching “The Help”.  It’s awesome so far and I remember my dad saying I should watch it.  This is long enough.  Peace out homies!