Things You Shouldn’t Say On A First Date or In Bed
Well a bunch of us were joking around about dating and sex the other day and we realized that none of us has any game. We amplified that lack of game by coming up with a list of things you shouldn’t do or say if you happen to find yourself on a first date with someone. Didn’t completely fuck up on your date? We also thought about things you shouldn’t say or do in bed. Enjoy.
First Date
- Are those real?
- You have the salad, the fat free ranch is really good.
- You don’t look anything like your profile picture.
- Oh I’m so getting some tonight (as you look at your cell phone)
- The doctor said it’ll clear up in 7-10 days.
- Oh shit I forgot to take my meds.
- My parents are going to love you!
- Is your friend still going out with that guy/girl?
- My mom says I’m a great kisser.
- I can’t wait to change my relationship status!
- Wait – you mean you’re not 18?
- I have to take this call it’s my probation officer.
- I had legs like that when I was a woman.
- Last one out of the car pays the bill!
- I’m really into bulimia.
- You remind me of my cousin.
- Yeah, this is my lucky restaurant. I take all my first dates here.
In Bed
- Wait – it started?
- Wait – it ENDED?
- What’s that smell?
- Wow. Victoria really can keep a secret.
- Now I know why they call it a ‘wonder bra’.
- Can you turn the light off?
- We have to keep it down, mom’s sleeping.
- Wait, let me get my hamster.
- I’m suddenly craving sushi.
- It’s like I said on our date, it’s supposed to clear up in 7-10 days.
- Are we flipping over? Hurry it up.
- My dog sleeps there like that.
- Mind if I film this?
- I just got off the pill.
- Wow you really don’t sweat that much for a fat chick.
- Hold on I have to update my Facebook status.
- That Viagra commercial lasted longer than you did.
- So how old’s your daughter?
Things my dad just left in the comment section
THINGS NO ONE SHOULD EVER SAY, INCLUDING ME:
● You had me at Tubes-Tied
● I like my women like when I’m breaking in pool. With a solid rack.
● Who wants to get mouth pregnant tonight?
● I like my women the way I like my wine. On a rack in the cellar.
● You had me at “I’m not your wife.”
● If you stacked all the women I’ve made love to over the years on top of each other, I’d be like, “What are you doing?”
● I FOUND THE CLlTORIS!!!
It’s on page 86 in this Dictionary…
● Give a man a blowjob and you’ll eat for a day. Repeat indefinitely.
● If you mean getting a blowjob while listening to the radio, then yes, I like radiohead
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THINGS NO ONE SHOULD EVER SAY, INCLUDING ME:
● You had me at Tubes-Tied
● I like my women like when I’m breaking in pool. With a solid rack.
● Who wants to get mouth pregnant tonight?
● I like my women the way I like my wine. On a rack in the cellar.
● You had me at “I’m not your wife.”
● If you stacked all the women I’ve made love to over the years on top of each other, I’d be like, “What are you doing?”
● I FOUND THE CLlTORIS!!!
It’s on page 86 in this Dictionary…
● Give a man a blowjob and you’ll eat for a day. Repeat indefinitely.
● If you mean getting a blowjob while listening to the radio, then yes, I like radiohead.
Dr. B.´s last [type] ..AFRAID TO WATCH THE NEWS- MILLIONS TURN TO FOX
Julie Reply:
April 1st, 2011 at 7:30 am
I knew I should have asked your to come in on this one
Hahaha! Okay so I just looked at the one thing that it say not to say and I know that I have said this a few times “I just got off the pill” well in my case the patch. I have also said “Can you hurry up my tv show is coming on” and “If your no good get out of my house now” or “OMG I think I am going to be sick(after seeing they were working with much)” I personally will say just about anything because I don’t really care at that point. I think that if I am comfortable enough to take my clothes off then I should be comfortable enough to tell you how I really feel.
Danielle´s last [type] ..Ultimate Blog Party 2011
LMAO these are great. Your dad is a riot, and you very much take after him.
My favorite when I did the clubbing thing was a jackass at a bar to me, really loudly. “What do you mean you won’t go home with me? I just spent my whole paycheck buying you and your friends drinks.” *SMACK* He was escorted not so politely out and taught some manners.
Second fave- a random strange guy I was dancing with- “Wanna come home with me and let me tie you up?” *Give THE LOOK, SMACK LOUDLY* “okay, you can tie me up”.
My fave that an acquaintance of Ken’s said to someone in a dive bar at last call after being rejected repeatedly- “You’re the ugliest chick here, surely I can score with you”. He didn’t get laid much, if ever.
dddiva´s last [type] ..Frolicking on Friday – Little Known Fun Facts About Us
too funny, Julie and your dad!!
LOL
Secret Mom Thoughts´s last [type] ..Fashion Making Girls Grow Up Too Soon
An oldie but a goodie…
IN BED…”beige…I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige”
Stefanie´s last [type] ..Overweight Children are NOT Adequately Protected in Car Seats
“Do you have your own handcuffs, or should I bring my own?”
Todd´s last [type] ..Why I Turned to the Darkside
All I can say is LMAO cuz I’m blinded by the tears from laughing and can barely type.
Raven´s last [type] ..Fawk You Loser Ex and I Hate Being Mature
you forgot to put in the in bed section any sentence that starts with “my ex boyfriend” example: My Ex boyfriend told me i was the best at this…