Put me in a crowded bar at nine on a Saturday night and I will own that place.  Put me in a restaurant with three tables at 1230 on a Wednesday afternoon after having opened the restaurant at ten and you find that I break plates and spill water on people.  No joke.  I was delivering a French Dip to a guy and it’s a big plate and didn’t see where he had his full glass of ice water and I knocked it right over on him.

To his credit, he moves fast.  To mine, so do I.  I had a pile of napkins off the table and in his crotch so fast it made his friends want to dump their drinks on themselves.  Not only did I mop up the water before it sunk into his trousers, I managed to burst out a quick “Oh, shit!” as I was doing so.

Luckily for me they don’t mind hot chicks who swear as they towel off a crotch.

He got a free meal out of me.

Twenty minutes later I thought I could balance the stack of plates from clearing up that table.  I couldn’t.  The second after I said “No” when I was asked if I had it, I dropped and broke a plate or two.  I apologized to the table next to me and they laughed saying they had it better than the guy I spilled water on so it was refreshing to know I didn’t just embarrass myself at that table, I also humiliated myself in front of the entire restaurant.  My boss high-fived me.

Then I was talking to a friend of mine about how although I’m SUPER hot I’m not a fan of my naked body because I’m covered in battle scars from having two children, a boob reduction and a hysterectomy.  To make me feel better he said, and I’m going to quote this because it was via text -

I have flat tire balls.  Did you ever hear that when I got my vasectomy that I went to school with one of the attending nurses?  Life is awesome sometimes.  She’d never look at my balls in high school, so I paid her to look at them afterward.

Then evening comes about and I’m having dinner with the family.  This is the bit of conversation quoted verbatim we had from the dinner table -

Me – “I’m going to take Jake to see -”
Jake – “No Mom! Spell it so Josh doesn’t know!”
Me – “Okay. I’m going to take Jake to see H-A-P-P-Y  F-E-E-T”
Jake – “What’s that spell?”
Ryan – “Top of the class there, buddy”

Yes.  These things happen to me.

There’s talk at work that we might be in need of some outside marketing to bring in parties and that I might just be the girl for the job.  Although it means more work, I’m best suited for it because if they hired out they’d only end up using my ideas because I’m going to be better at it than anyone else they hire.

It does mean I have some actual work I’ll need to do.

I got my 90 day chip last night!  That’s three whole months without a drink!  I’ve noticed some of my friends who don’t keep up with me don’t know why I’m in AA.

Because it’s awesome enough to recognize that I’m an alcoholic.

I’m also the daughter of one and I don’t want to be that person.

I’m also not well and my doctor said that if I drink there’s a 50% chance I won’t wake up so that right there is a solid higher power to believe in to keep me sober.

I love that fucking group of people.  They are like family only we all admit our character defects so there isn’t much need to talk about each other behind our backs, even though we likely do anyway.

I need to unplug that air freshener, damn.

I also need to scrub my bathroom.  I keep a coffee pot in there but I lost my travel mug so I haven’t made any in a month.  I need to buy a new mug.  My theory is that I can wake up, hit brew, put my makeup on and walk out the door with a fresh cup saving me the time and money it takes for me to hit up Dunkin Donuts and get me a badass latte with skim milk and splenda.  I’m a splenda whore now.  I love it.  I’m trying to lose seven pounds.  That’s it.  no more than that.  I’m pretty hot as it is.

So yay to me for my 90 days.  I’m going to keep track until I get to 100 which should be on Saturdayy, December 17th which I have off and I’ll be at a meeting so that’s super badass.  I’m going to make my own chip out of cardboard and likely present myself with it.

I have to go grab Jake and take him to the doctor now.  It’s been a pleasure talking to you!

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