Oh what the fuck.  It’s happening.  I’m writing it.  I want Norm Macdonald.

I don’t give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of this man.  If you love him I’m happy but don’t be hotter than me because I’m on a mission and if you hate him be sure to keep watching his show and tell all your friends how much you hate it so they’ll watch it (on Comedy Central) and judge for themselves.  I need him to stay on TV.  I have the biggest hard on for this guy ever.

It all goes back to his SNL days of course.  I’ve had many a conversations about Weekend Update anchors and have seen SNL specials and nearly all agree Norm was by far the best.  He pushed the boundaries and when a joke bombed he made it funny by talking about how shitty it was.

He is one sexy motherfucker.

I shit you not, no matter what I was doing (usually smoking pot) I would stop and stare as he gave us the weekly news.  Take a look at this guy – he has the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen.  I want to have a drink with him.  Beer, wine, whiskey, water – I’ll spot a damn cup of tea if that’s what he wants I just feel it’s high time he and I meet.

TWICE this almost happened.  Two damn times.  The first time I was about eighteen and was poor as hell.  I worked for a tiny company and I needed the money.  Norm was always going on Howard Stern’s show so one day I emailed them saying something along the lines of “I’ll blow him right then and there if they introduce me” and within a week they called me.

I talked to them (not him) quite a few times and had a date set for me to get my SUPER hot ass down there but it fell on a weekday so I had to ask for it off.  The bitch wouldn’t give it to me.  I was stuck deciding if I should go to NY and take the chance that the meeting may or may not actually happen (plus I really wasn’t going to blow him – they knew it by that time) or lose a paycheck when I really needed it so I never went.  To this day I regret it and had so much hatred and spite in me from the incident that I ended up finding another job and I totally bailed on them about a month later.

The second time I could have met Norm was when I went to see a live taping of “The Norm Show” in LA with my ex-husband.  Oh dear Lord, we were in the same general space.  I swear I was willing him to look at me.  Yeah.  He didn’t.  He should have, I was smokin’ hot.

Here’s where I get kicked in the balls.  My ex’s uncle is a fairly famous personal trainer out in LA.  He knows a lot of people.  He’d taken us to meet some of them.  Not once had I thought to mention Norm when I was staying at his place.  The morning following the show we told him where we went and he oh so casually says “Damn you should have told me, I had breakfast with an exec there this morning I could have gotten you backstage”.

I burst into tears.

Now Norm’s on Twitter.  That poor bastard CLEARLY hates technology and we can all tell he’s not a people person, he’s just a great comedian and he’s doing what all celebrities are doing – being forced to be on Twitter.

I commend him for doing it himself instead of having an intern do it but that man has no concept of what he’s doing.  At first he just tweeted.  Then he went on a re-tweet rampage and got his ass chewed out by followers for it.  Asshats.  I tweet shit to him and everyone’s asking me if I’m stalking him (I am) but I’m hot and admittedly crazy so I think it should be allowed.  He’s proven that he reads most of what we say but he doesn’t follow people back and he has yet to discover the reply button (Dude. Just click the singular arrow.  It’ll bring that persons Twitter name up for you and you just start typing your reply.  Ask any intern, that’s what they’re there for).

This is the closest I’m going to come to Norm unless he A) Picks up a tweet of mine, sees that I’m hot and that I love RUSH so am clearly dedicated to both him and Canada and starts engaging in some witty banter with me or B) Reads this post (help me get it to him – link it on Twitter to @NormMacDonald) and finds it entertaining enough to do something bright and witty like meet me at a bar in LA and have a few drinks with me and film it as a segment on his show.

I do not in any way want publicity for this other than my dedicated whoring to the cause.  I just think it’d be an extra benefit for him to have as a segment on his show.  He likes broadcasting off-set bits and what better way to do it than show me (I’m still cute dude) and him tipping a few back watching a game together.

Fuck my ass I don’t know how to close this.  Norm, give a girl a break.  I see everyone asking you to prove you’re reading their tweets by begging you to retweet what they’re saying (they’ll “absolutely die” if he does – none of them have proven to yet) and I know you have groupies like me following you seeking your attention.  I don’t know your relationship status (you should get on Facebook) and this is not a plea to get in your pants (although I will if we have a good time – Just sayin’).  This is simply me asking to meet you out at a nondescript bar I’ll fly out to where we won’t get any attention (unless you drag your camera crew there) and we can just hang out for a bit.  I think you’ll find that after I get over my nervousness I’m a pretty cool chick to party with.  It’s been a long time coming and if it doesn’t happen soon, I don’t think it ever will.  I’m @Momspective and I look like this -

People of the world – I need you to use your social networking skills for good.  Norm – I’m buying.

Julie@Momspective.com

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