Aug
16
2009

I’m Taking My Pants Off

It’s about that time of year to drop my pants and watch some football. Also, THIS IS MY 300th POST!

nakeasjaybird

Here I sit, naked as a jaybird (apparently that’s what they look like nude, I don’t get it) and it’s time to talk some Football (that’s American for FOOTBALL). I LOVE the NFL. Six years ago, I refused to even consider watching it, and now I’m teaching it to strengthen martial relations through Fantasy Football. At least, I will be if I ever get my ass in gear.

Years back, my brilliant husband put me through a 16 week training program. It involved drinking a TON of beer and watching the Carolina Panthers play. We watched each game alone, got drunk and I took my clothes off. It’s not that rare for me to strip when he and I are drinking, because he’s handsome and I’m an exhibitionist.

What we started to notice was that every time I took my pants off, the Panthers would win. Win to the point of getting to the Super Bowl that year. My lack of pants took them to the Super Bowl!

The night of the big game, I had a friend join us and I wore jeans. At that point in my life, I just didn’t see the no pants connection and didn’t realize what I was about to do. I WORE JEANS. I am so ashamed of myself. I did get pretty drunk but these pants only come off for my husband, so the pants remained on and we lost.

The following year, I was pregnant and therefore miserable, so I could barely watch the games, let alone get nude for them. I also couldn’t drink and I’m starting to think that’s also a key component to their success. As the years passed, I had various levels of nudity and saw the same success and losses.

Well last year, it officially dawned on me. They NEED me. I wrote a post called ‘No Pants Sunday‘ and was both praised and criticized nationwide. There are people who fully support my nudeness and those that call me an unfit mother because the children who aren’t around to see it are still related to the sicko who takes her pants off in the privacy of her own home to watch football.

The worst thing to happen to me last year was the fact that various media outlets across the nation (including ESPN) heard about my superstition and I was all over the place. Newspapers, websites, TV and Radio. I gave interviews (you can see them on my press page). I immediately started getting nervous.

We were scheduled to play Arizona and everyone considered it a “gimme”. The underdogs. Those bastards. The second the game started I knew we were going to lose it. Two reasons- for one, it was Jake Delhomme’s birthday and secondly, it was publicly announced that Arizona was considered the underdogs in this game.

Something about my team, they just can’t succeed if they’re expected to. The NEED to be told they suck so they can prove the world wrong. When we’re called great, we go out of our way to screw it up every way possible. I had to turn my cell phone off and didn’t even want to get online because of the amount of shit people were giving me.

All my cred was lost. In that one game, I lost it all. Had they won, who knows where my lack of pants would have taken me. T Shirts, TV shows, who knows. Alas, they let me down. That night I took everything off. My husband took everything off. I think half of North Carolina took their clothes off. Shit, our running backs almost got naked (I can not confirm that, I’m making it up).

Well, it’s starting again. Pre-season. The Panthers play the Giants tonight at 8PM EST. I have such high anxiety over this season, especially since people are predicting it to be a good one. Shut up, people! Tell them they’re the worst! Call them Detroit! Just do what you have to, give me the confidence to strip, the ability to get drunk and the will to win.

sw6-copy1*****NOTE- I am NOT nude, I just happen to have a strapless dress on. Don’t hate on me, it’s a JOKE********

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Written by Julie Maloney in: Football

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