This is about 6 years old lol. I was HAMMERED.

See, here’s the thing.  I LOVE pain.  I mean, sure, I’ve never gotten a tattoo and just pierced my ears for the first time a few years ago but when it comes to finding body parts I need to get rid of, I’m a pro. Especially considering the fact that I’m allergic to all narcotics and ever some OTC like Motrin and Advil.  Regular Tylenol and whatever synthetic they can find is all I’m allowed to have.  THAT’S what I call a party.

It all started when I was young.  I had a few minor procedures over the years that led to the infamous hysterectomy I’m looking forward to shutting up about, a breast reduction from a 36I to a 36D and gave birth to two kids – one naturally and one C-Section.

That hysterectomy led to triple pneumonia and a twelve hour blood transfusion.  Good times.  Good times.

I have NO IDEA what the fuck has happened to me this year but let me tell you what, me no likey.

I’m about to tell you the latest, most terrifying procedure I have to have done on March 9, 2010.  The reasons I need this stem from a combination of shit that already existed combined with shit that happened while I was in the hospital or something like that.

I found out I was getting this operation last month and had the date set last week and I was told that this is one of the most painful procedures a person can have.  Something that would make the pain I felt from my hysterectomy feel like it was a scratch on the knee (but I think those hurt, too, so whatever).

There’s only one reason I didn’t tell all of you this right away.  I know I kept hinting toward it but I honestly was too afraid to tell you because I’m afraid I’ll get made fun of.

I am a talker.  When I acknowledge it, I get either a laugh or hurtful remark, even if it’s not meant to be hurtful.  I have been made fun of my entire life because I talk to much, and I know I do.  I’ve even grown to hate the sound of my own voice and find myself embarrassed when I’m in a conversation or hosting The Wii Mommies radio show, because even if the other people involved want to talk, my mouth is running and I just can’t stop myself.

Well, the operation I have to have is a two-parter and it’s oral surgery.  If you don’t read the actual details of it, you immediately laugh.  I didn’t.  I cried.  I cried out of fear of everyone laughing, not fear of the pain I’ll be in.  I honestly could care less about the pain, which should be fun to manage considering I’m allergic to narcotics.

I’m having two things done, a Submucosal minimally invasive lingual excision (S.M.I.L.E)  and a Uvulopalatopharyngoplasty (YOU-view-low-PAL-at-oh-fair-ING-oh-plass-tee) (U.P.P.P).

The S.M.I.L.E  procedure is performed under general anesthesia.  The tongue base is infiltrated with 25 ml of saline, and the course of the lingual arteries is marked using a Doppler for guidance.  An incision is made in the midline of the tongue, and the coblator is used to ablate tissue at the tongue base.  Ablation is performed medially to the marked lingual arteries.  The incision is left open, and heals by secondary intention.  This allows for a greater degree of tongue base reduction than radiofrequency tongue base ablation, with less morbidity than the midline glossectomy.

Basically, I’m having 20% of the back of my tongue removed.

That’s where the laughing usually starts.  I either get “talk too much” comments or comments related to it being payback for forcing people to listen to what I have to say.

I had no idea this was possible.  This is the part that has nothing to do with the operation.  My whole life, I’ve chewed on the sides of my tongue no matter what I do.  You can see what I’m talking about if I showed you, it’s shredded on both sides and hurts CONSTANTLY.  Since I didn’t realize there was such a thing as a person having a tongue that’s too big, I just assumed everyone had constant pain and bleeding, or maybe it was payment for me running my mouth too much.

The other reason for this and the U.P.P.P. thingy is because of the hormonal changes from the hysterectomy and the pneumonia that slapped me across the face immediately after.  I don’t know much about it, I just know that suddenly, I snore.  Like a man.  A big man.  I choke in my sleep and have apnea and am constantly exhausted, even though I take drugs for sleep (turns out I can take all drugs except the good ones – narcotics).

I don’t know shit about what’s going to happen except that I won’t be talking or eating solids for 4 weeks.  While I’ll have a voice box, other things will be changing and talking and eating will be too painful.  I’ve been told to expect my voice to change, dialect different and my ability to sing gone.   That last part I don’t get, but I guess it has something to do with maybe my pitch changing so I’ll be off key or maybe all of the things they’re removing will make it so I can’t enunciate properly.  I don’t know.  All I know is I want to go out to karaoke every night from today until the 9th, I also know I won’t go.

SMILE SHIT TO WATCH OUT FOR:

The midline glossectomy and smile procedures allow for more resection, but also pose a greater risk to the hypoglossal nerve/lingual artery neurovascular bundle.  There can be significant bleeding requiring neck exploration with ligation of vessels.  There is also risk for airway edema, hematoma, abscess formation, and permanent hypoglossal injury.  The Repose system and geniotubercle advancement, can cause patient discomfort if there is excess tension, and can cause mild aspiration that is temporary.

UPPP SHIT I GOT INFO ON:

UPPP, is surgery to remove the uvula (the small piece of tissue that hangs at the back of the throat) and all or part of the soft palate (the soft part of the roof of the mouth in front of the uvula). When a laser is used, doctors call this surgery “LASUPPP” for short. The procedure is done to help stop snoring or sleep apnea. If you still have your tonsils, the doctor will remove them as well. After this operation, the throat tends to swell and close up. To maintain an airway, the surgeon may insert a tracheostomy tube in your throat through an incision in your neck. Alternatively, an endotracheal (ET) tube may be passed through your nose or mouth and down the throat. Once the swelling subsides, the tube is removed.

You might develop internal bleeding or get an infection. Blood clots could form and lodge in the lungs, making it difficult to breathe. However, medical personnel are always alert for such complications, and know how to remedy them.

So no, I’m not asking for sympathy (yet) but I’m asking that you all please refrain from making me feel like shit by cracking jokes about the amount I talk.  I’m not saying you would, but people have even thinking I’d find it funny but I don’t.  I’m the youngest of four children and the baby has to struggle for the attention.  Apparently for me it wasn’t a struggle.  From March 9th until April 6th I will not be talking.  While I’ll be able to, apparently the constant vomiting and pain will make me not want to.

I heard I might sound different, look different, feel different.  I might sleep better and my depression may improve.  My mouth won’t hurt.  I won’t snore.  There are so many benefits to these procedures and I only need to suffer for four weeks.  My plan is to take advantage of it to catch up on everything I fell behind on and hopefully build up a nice collection of stuff if I need it in the future but I’ve been advised there’d be a lot of sleeping and the pain radiates throughout the body, so I’m not sure if I’ll be tweeting this one, folks.

I thank the dear lord above that I have my hands.  I speak better with them than with my voice and I know those who choose to read me do so because they love my voice.  If I am able, I’ll spend that four weeks making sure I am heard.

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