Oh Shit, Guess What? I’m MENTAL.
That’s right. Effing crazy.
Okay, I was going to post a funeral for my cell phone today but I had myself a teeny tiny mental ish last night and what better way to get through it than to share it with all of you.
Why?
Well, because you’re my friends and you’re a shitload cheaper than therapy.
I’ve written before about depression and manic-depression (bi-polar disorder). I’ve actually come under fire because of it. After pouring my soul onto these pages, I’ve had comments left telling me that I am indeed useless and unworthy as a woman and mother. A-holes.
I was better. Everything was good. Then I got sick. My ovary went kablooie and my hormones bitch slapped me across the face. My reproductive system was ripped out, fate decided it’d be fun to fill my lungs with fluid for a few days and my mood stabilizers stopped working.
I didn’t know about that last part, though.
We all chalked it up to the hormones and trauma of my situation but as time passed, I just kept getting more and more unstable. I FELT the cycling. One day, I’d be thrilled and I’d write my ass off, setting them to auto-post and for the next 3 days I’d be crying in a corner.
I went to my shrink two weeks ago and told him everything. Apparently, the estrogen I’m taking to prevent menopause has a drug interaction with my mood stabilizers, making them less effective. I have some weird ass allergies when it comes to medications, so for the past two weeks we’ve been gradually “bumping me up” to get me balanced.
This shit is KILLING me. Ugh. I just got to the max dosage yesterday and this is where it gets tricky. It takes up to three months to work and we have to watch for all kinds of side effects. I was miserable all day. I felt so lost and depressed, the only thing to do was grocery shop (it makes me feel better).
I bought beer.
I drank beer.
A lot of beer.
By myself.
When I lost my cell phone, I was completely cut off from the cyber world I’ve immersed myself in. I realized the other day how lonely I am. I have friends and family with me every second of my day and since the loss of my cell, I can absolutely not be left alone because I can’t stand the silence of being alone.
The Joey Oey Memorial is coming up. I just got bad news about a friend. I’m worried about another one. I missed the birth of Jenn’s baby. There was a death. I missed everything, all in a week. I’m always told not to let things get me down but that’s not who I am. I dwell on everything. Can’t help it.
Ryan told me not to drink last night. He knows how I get but I really felt like I needed to escape. I drank a few while I watched 90210 (that’s hard for me to admit – the 90210 part, not the beer), and then I drank a few more with a friend of mine. Then I came downstairs and sat in my kitchen eating granola bars and drinking as I watched the rain.
I went into my bedroom and tried to sleep. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to take any sleeping stuff since I slammed about nine beers so instead I went and had MORE beer. I was just so sad. I honestly have no valid reason, shit is REALLY good, it’s just a disorder I have to deal with. I just don’t always know how to.
So it’s about 4 in the morning. I go crashing into my guest room to wake my buddy up to hang out. He took one look at me, grabbed a trash can and put it in my arms. Then he made me walk to my bathroom. Then he made me throw up. He said if I didn’t I’d not only be massively hungover but I might die from alcohol poisoning.
I have a problem. I have a problem with depression. I have a problem with alcohol. I have a problem with self-esteem (if you can believe that). I need help. I’m asking for help. I’ll take all the help I can get.
After last night, I feel better. I know I’m loved. I called my doc and have asked my friends and family to make sure I don’t drink like that again. I could tell myself that I’ll take care of myself, but right now I can’t. I have help and I have medication. All I need now is a little time.
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You are well and truly loved. I’m ALWAYS up til 4, so call me if you need to talk or have company, land line, cell, whatever. If I had all that shit wrong with me, I’d probably be exactly like I am right now. But with an excuse.
xxxoooxxx
.-= Dr. B.´s last blog ..VALUES VOTERS CONVENTION LEAVES DC; STIFFS HOTELS AND RESTAURANTS =-.
I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression for years, and just recently started taking medication. I’m still trying to get better and I haven’t dealt with half of what you have the last several months.
None of it makes you a bad person. In fact, I think it probably makes you a BETTER person because you know it’s there, you know it’s a problem, and you’re addressing the problem.
Lots of luck and love, and if you ever want to shoot the shit about antidepressants, just let me know.
Thank you for opening up like this. I tweeted this earlier:
“Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think” Christopher Robin to Pooh
.-= Alli Campbell´s last blog ..All About BBQ =-.
I really feel your pain. I suffer from anxiety that is debilitating at times. It makes it so I cannot sleep or leave the house.
I wish I had some words of wisdom but mental illness is so different for everyone.
Just know you are not alone.
Oh sweetie that really sucks about the disorders and how lonely it feels sometimes. I am not much of a drinker, barely do. I am sure it would be my crutch. It sucks to be far away from someone you care about specially when things aren’t going so hot.
But you are right! you have lots of friends… Use us
)
You can call me anytime (as soon as you get a phone.)
Much love and hugs to you.
.-= MommaYoung´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Happy Birthday to my Ballerina =-.
Julie, just remember we all love you. Kinda funny since I have never seen you but I really do you are a great person. The people you talked about before telling you that you are not a good person you don’t need them.
Fill your space with people that really care for and about you. We have all been in this position at some point in our lives to some extent or another.
I don’t see you having a self-esteem issue but hey I am not around you all the time so just remember you are a beautiful person no matter what anyone else says. Besides that who are they to tell you what you are worth. Your hubby and kids can’t even tell you that it’s all you.
If ya ever need to talk just holla you know where to find me.
Hugs
Tonya
.-= Tonoogle (Tonya)´s last blog ..My Dream Vacation =-.
I love YOU. See u tomorrow.
I wish I had the perfect thing to say, but I don’t. I think it is great that you can admit to your family and friends that you need their help. At least that is a step in the right direction! take care of yourself!
.-= Vicki@frugalmomknowsbest´s last blog ..Thursdays coupons and freebies =-.
Julie I never would have known that you are Bipolar…. you just always seem so upbeat and hilariously funny…. but I guess that comes with the mania of it. My older daughter is Bipolar and a rapid cycler…. she can be soooo hilariously funny and creative… but when she is down she is very down… and when she is angry OMG! Look out world!…. and she can go from one to the other extreme in minutes…. sometimes with no apparent reason. She has been unmedicated now for a few years and she seems to be handling it pretty well for the most part (well she does self-medicate with alcohol and a lil weed here and there)… I think maturing is helping with that though(she’ll be 21 on Saturday).
I hope you get your meds straightened out and get back to feeling good again. I absolutely love your blog… you’re so freakin funny… in fact your posts do remind me a lot of Sarah and the things she would say
Take care of yourself… and please don’t overdo the drinking. You are a great Mom…. a fun blogger… and an awesome person!
A Lil Enchanted,
~LaShan~
.-= LaShan ´s last blog ..Bedtimes, Potty Training and Birthdays…. Oh My =-.
No matter what anyone might say about you opening up, this was a very brave post for you to write. Opening yourself up even in the friendliest of environs can be difficult. I hope you do have all the help you need to battle this. Based on all I’ve read here the past few months, I know you will.
.-= PJ Mullen´s last blog ..PSA: Tylenol Recall Information =-.
ily girl.
Oh gosh girl … I am here … vent away anytime, cry, laugh, yell .. anything! Sending you a big hug!
.-= Brandy´s last blog ..September Sponsor: The Monster on Top of the Bed =-.
Hi,
This is my first time on this website. It’s neat! I like the free stuff.
Hope you’re feeling better. Try reading your Bible. It helps. I know because it sure helps ME;
Awww hon!!! Big hugs from California. I’m a raging bitch right now. I’m just started Adderall last week for my ADD. I’m up and down and all over. I cried for three hours last night, had the swollen puffy eyes today from it. Yet, when my husband asked what was wrong, I couldn’t explain. Ironically, I haven’t told him that I’m on a new ADD med cause I want to see if he notices the difference.
This sucks!
.-= Julie @ Angry Julie Monday´s last blog ..Workout Wednesday =-.
Oh Julie…. I just want go there and give you a huge big ‘ole hug right now! You do have “cyber friends” here that care about you. You have your family and those babies are just precious, so think of that when you feel down. I know myself going through menopause, that the hormones that are fluctuating really do a number on you. Sorry honey, but the drinking makes it worse not better and interacts with hormone medication too. Journal, write, talk helps so much and we are all here for you.
Many Hugs and prayers being sent your way!
You’re not mental, you’re a woman. Embrace it, it freaks people out. I have thyroid disorder that if the meds need adjusting I get a little crazy. The doc keeps a close eye and tests me every six months just to make sure things are where they are supposed to be. Hormones can do all sorts of weird stuff to us so get them checked out. It sounds like you have an awful lot going on right now so if you can try to relax and breath. Sounds silly but it sometimes helps.
.-= Jen´s last blog ..I am Fucked =-.
awww sweetie! I hope this dosage helps. Words are just words when they are evil and hateful like some have been in the past, but you know there’s those of us who love ya!
I’m telling you, blogging is therapy.
.-= Storm´s last blog ..Thrifty Thursday – One Little Change =-.
Talking it out helps. Writing helps. Friends help. Family helps. A walk in the park, breathing in the fresh air, a sunset, the beach – those things help. When you’re tired – sleep. When you need to cry – cry.
I’ve never been officially diagnosed with anything, but bipolar runs in my family, I guess. So does anxiety and depression. I’ve had my fair share of run-ins with massive mood swings; feeling on top of the world with energy to spare one week out of the month, and tired and withdrawn and anti-social for two weeks, and then stable and “normal” the other week. It’s hormones – mine haven’t been right for years. I normally crave the peace and quiet and wish I could just take to my bed when shit happens.
I don’t know what the answer is, but you seem able to pinpoint how you’re feeling and what you need – that’s a good start! I’ll keep you in my thoughts, Julie!
.-= Miss Behavin´s last blog ..Starlite Web Designs: A BIG Thank You =-.
I’m laughing my A** off reading your post!!! LOL But I’m not laughing at you…….I’m laughing with you because I can relate! Sometimes it sucks to be a woman….men should have to go through menapause, too!!! LOL
Sometimes, we just have to remind ourselves that there is always someone out there worse off than we are. Of course, a good stiff drink once in a while doesn’t hurt either! LOL
I’m sorry honey!!! I’m hear let me know what I can do!
Everybody is mental. It’s just to what degree. (insert laugh) Sorry to hear you’re going through this. I’m sure you don’t need to be reminded that alcohol is a depressant, so you’re making it harder for your meds to work by drinking. I’m one to talk, the only reason I’m not having a beer right now is because there aren’t any cold. I do have my standards!
Are you keeping up with your exercise program? That can help with the depression.
Don’t be so hard on yourself about this episode. Clean slate. You can get through it.
.-= Lola´s last blog ..Family… =-.
You are beautiful. Of course, the outward beauty is evident. But the beauty I’m referring to is your stark honesty. You’ve laid yourself open with this post for the world to see and knowing, admitting, and seeking help when you know something isn’t right is over half the battle.
Happiness, peace of mind and your own feeling of self-worth is within your grasp. Realizing THAT YOU deserve it is the only obstacle holding you back.
Cherish the love of your family, friends and of course, your die-hard blogging buddies. I know you can do it…now get to it!!!
.-= Roschelle´s last blog ..What Makes Us Moral? =-.
i am one at your side unfortunately i’m bad of drinking of any alcohol..i don’t drink..what always be my recourse is savoring the fresh air of the beach..taking all my energy on the pictures..weird huh?!? Then all my depression was released…
anyway, how are you now? I wish you feel much better. You need a lot of rest then..:)
Take care!:)
Wow Julie, you have a lot on your plate. I’m glad you have an awesome husband and awesome friends to help you get through this. It sucks though. You’re a good mom though, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Chin up, let me know if you need anything. Hormones suck, mine are still out of whack from my surgery and I’m a bit crazy myself.
.-= Casey´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: And I’m Already Doing Her Homework =-.
Sending you love. You have some of the biggest balls in blog world–and they are the good kind. It takes real guts to be as honest as you are. Everybody expects to be down when big stress and devastating events come to town. It’s those little stresses and small events that line up and smack you in the back of the head when you aren’t looking and leave you completely astonished and wondering what the hell happened. Hang in there, and lean on your family and friends–it’s in their job description. If they give you any crap, send them to me. I’m very persuasive.
I have struggled with depression although this is the first time I’ve stated it online. You just need to pull yourself out and find something to focus on or get excited about.
The drinking, from a child of an alcoholic please for the sake of your kids get help. Its not something you want them growing up to associate with you. Its a disease, you may not be able to do it on your on and believe me if you need help, its okay to ask for it!
Good luck, if you need a shoulder…I’m always here!
.-= Jennifer @ J. Leigh Designz´s last blog ..Aloha Friday – Stick Shift =-.
Julie you have tons of friends out here to listen to you and share your problems 24-7. You never need to be alone! Stop waiting on Verizon and just go get yourself a phone if it’s going to make that much difference to you. Don’t wait!
.-= Buggys´s last blog ..Motorcycle Crunch! =-.
Do those meds have lines like “no drinking with” on the packaging? does the drinking mess up the med mix? like the sleeping meds?
Just work on this, it will work out in the end, you’ve got to work on you. How’s that exercise going? do you think that maybe the weeks you couldn’t exercise might be part of the depression part? Endorphins and all that fun stuff? I think that’s why they say exercise after having kids to help build up the good hormones to combat the post partum Depression ones? Is PPD similar to Bipolar or a trigger for BiPolar? so many questions as I’m sure you’re doing right now. I’m pretty sure you’re still in that self examination part?
like weight loss just keep going, fake it til you make it?
.-= kyooty´s last blog ..Friday Fill-ins Fall, You and Me? I Tried =-.
Julie needs a vacation at a spa
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..The September Comment Challenge =-.
Hide the beer! LOL
We all go through changes,so don’t feel so wacky!Are the meds the right ones? Maybe they are reacting differently in your system and instead of upping the dose find a different one.
My Mom was in a nursing home to just recoup from being sick.They kept upping her meds ,she got to the point that she didn’t even know me,throwing things and they kicked her out. Told the choice was a looney bin or home. Took her home,got her off the meds and back to herself.
Easter and I had my all my kids there ,cooked a huge meal ,she looked at me and said,”Sandy,do you have kids at home you would like to bring some food too” My kids all looked at me because my name isn’t Sandy and her grandkids,my kids were right there.
Drugs do funny things.
It took about a month.
Doctors aren’t always right,don’t take yourself so serious
I hope you are feeling better
.-= Peggy Gorman´s last blog ..Win a 18×24†Rolled Poster Print from UPrinting.com =-.
A friend of mine suffered from bi-polar disorder. Unfortuntely he commited suicide last year. He was a beautiful and artistic person and it was hard for everyone involved. But because of him I can say that I only have respect and admiration for you and what you have to live with. Anyone who has anything negative to say is close minded and ignorant and I’m glad you don’t let them keep you from being yourself!