I’m not writing this to be a dick.  I’m not writing this to the brands I already work with.  I’m writing this to all you blog skimmers who simply graze one post you probably found on a keyword Google search and think you can slide your hands down my bloggy pants by simply addressing “Momspective” and referencing how “hilarious” and “informative” that blog post was.

Would I like to give away bottled water on my site?

No.

There’s a reason why you’re not successfully pulling “big named” bloggers out of the blogosphere to pimp your shit.  You have no idea who we are.  I work with some awesome brands.  Big brands.  Brands who didn’t just approach me because they did a Google search and saw I have a prominent name I WORKED MY ASS OFF FOR and a decent sized Twitter following.

The brands who come to me come via recommendations from other media relations people I’ve worked with (I did some research before I wrote this) and they took the time to check me out before they decided to work with me.

I swear like a trucker and I’m as real as they come.

To be honest, I’m surprised a lot of these big brands DO work with me because I swear so much but when I polled a few of them I was told that A) I don’t make fun of anyone, I’m just funny and I happen to use strong language.  These days, strong language is everywhere so as long as I’m not politically or religiously offensive I’m clearly professional when I work with them and B) I bring in a vastly different readership than a lot of “mommy bloggers” do.

You’d be shocked how many people live vicariously through me and the relationship I have with my readers both on my blog and in social media is intimate because I take every reader very seriously and truly care about what you have to say to and about me.

Brands need to know this.

So here’s my advice.  Read five posts before you decide if the blog you’re pitching to is right for the brand your trying to promote.  You might notice that I don’t have an infant and decide that maybe I can’t talk about using your breast pump (unless it has to do with porn, then it gets weird but I’ll take a look at it).  You’ll see I’m not exactly going to pimp bath bars with scripture written on it because I won’t even disclose my religious preferences so I’m not going to solicit yours (I swear that happened).  Know that I will represent you in a professional manner if you show me the respect I deserve by actually knowing who I am and what it is I do.  I promote my life.  I give myself to the entire world.  Every aspect of me.  Even people that absolutely hate me because as one reader told me, I’m an “absolute train wreck she can’t keep her eyes off of”.  She doesn’t like me but she reads me.  She tells her friends she doesn’t like me and they read me.  Some of them either like me or go along with the asshole who called me a train wreck but they tell THEIR friends to check me out.

A producer from “Zombieland” is impressed with my blog.  My IVIG nurse showed it to her.  I’ve never felt so cool.

I’ve given seminars to bloggers on how to start and grow their blogs and I’ve been hired to speak to media relations people about this subject. I’ve written a “how to blog” and this is my “how to pitch”.  It’s honestly really easy to do and I guarantee you’ll not only get results and impress the company that hired you to pitch, you’ll find blogs that actually relate to the products you endorse.

You’re welcome.

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