I’m Bi….Polar, that is.
Music, sweet music
I wish I could caress, caress, caress
Manic depression is a frustrating mess…
-Jimi Hendrix
So if any one’s noticed (I know my Dad has), I’ve been sticking to Contests and Meme’s on my sites lately Contests because I adore each and every one of you and if I can get someone free shit, I will and Meme’s because I don’t have to put thought or feeling into them.
If I’m simply putting up a picture or spouting words off at random, I don’t have to focus on what’s really going on in my life. I’m depressed as shit.
I am bipolar. Manic-Depressive. Friggin’ nutty. I actually don’t hate that about me and I don’t mind sharing it (obviously). I think it’s part of what makes me funny and quirky and I’m one of my biggest fans. It seems these days a lot of people are being treated for the same thing, but this is the first time I’ve gone totally untreated since I can remember and I’m gonna tell you about it.
You name it, I’ve been on it. Seroquel made me gain 75 pounds and all my fair fell out. Lithium made me feel like I was in a Nirvana video. Before I got pregnant with Jake over 4 years ago, the doctor’s had finally found something that worked. At least I think it did, I can’t really remember.
When I got pregnant with Jake, I was told I can’t be on those medications for obvious reasons but something about being pregnant made me okay. Must be the body’s natural ability to balance my crazy. Who knows. I wrote a few months ago about the depression I had after having my second, but that’s nothing compared to what I’m going through now.
After I had my first, I nursed for a year. Seemed all I needed was some antidepressants and I was okay. Before I knew it, I was pregnant with Josh. Since I had a breast reduction and lost over 5 pounds of tissue in each of the girls (from a 36I to a 36D), not a drop came out of me so I went straight to formula.
Josh is 10 months old and lately I started having bouts of anxiety and depression. I wasn’t sleeping but there’s nothing new there. I finally went to see my doctor and she wrote me a prescription for a medication she thinks would work for me and told me to get off those antidepressants fast.
Apparently when you’re bipolar, antidepressants boost your anxiety levels. It also turns out the one I was put on by my OB causes restlessness and I was taking it at night with Ambien. No wonder the Ambien didn’t work.
So I take my script to the pharmacy to find out it’s going to run me $400 a month. Yep. That’s more than my car payment. I’d rather be depressed than broke and depressed, so I passed.
After calling my doc to tell her the news, she said I’m going to need a specialist (a.k.a. shrink) who may have some better ideas or deals with pharm companies to sell me the goods at a lower rate.
Only problem is that I can’t get in with ANYONE until mid-February. According to one doctor, the current state of the economy is so bad that there aren’t enough doctors to keep up with all the depressed patients. If I need immediate help, I have to go to an emergency room so they can charge me $500 to write me a $400 prescription. Yay.
So that’s what’s been going on with me. There are days I sit in the corner and cry for hours and days like yesterday where my mania had me jumping and dancing. Good news for the Mommies helped that along, too, but I’ll tell you that tomorrow.
I am constantly at war with myself. Inside, I’m destroyed. I actually want to die. The one thing that’s stopping me is my rationality. I know that logically, that’s a bad idea. I know it would hurt both me physically and all of you emotionally. I’m smart enough to know right from wrong and in control of myself well enough to keep any bad thoughts at bay.
I can’t stand anything yet I love everyone. I’m quick to anger yet seem to have no feeling at all. About an hour ago, I burst into tears watching a Miller Lite commercial. Man, that is some good beer.
I have no purpose or advice to give and I’m NOT looking for sympathy. I just felt like kind of a dick for not writing a legit post lately. While I love me some Meme’s and have TONS more awesome contests headed your way (yay), I can honestly say if it weren’t for the love and support I get from my family and my readers, I’d be in the corner crying right now.
This is where I offer you my heartfelt thanks for your constant support and friendship. Most of you in this bloggy world have turned out to be better friends than some ‘real’ friends I’ve made over the years and I love and appreciate you all for it. To those of you who go out of your way to make my life more stressful, piss off.
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Oh, honey, you hide your suffering so well, and then you tell it so eloquently! Sending you some big, big hugs through the ‘net. {{{{{Julie}}}}}
No advice from me except to say I am right there with you. Hugs.
You are loved unconditionally. Seriously. xxxoooxxx!!!!!
Julie honey,
I love you. Please have you ob test your hormone levels. A lot of what you are describing can be hormone imbalance and a lot of us have suffered with this–believe me it is a possibility. You hang in there you beautiful girl and you can write or call anytime you want–I’m here. love,
Stepmama
Julie Reply:
January 30th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
@Sarah, my OB said there’s no helping me so she sent me to my regular physician who looked at me with fear in her eyes and said I need a specialist. I’ve been waiting 2 weeks and have finally got an appointment for 2/11 and some xanex to tide me over…
NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) on their website has a list of contact numbers for all the various pharmeceutical companies. Here is the link, or google NAMI Prescripton Drug Patient Assistance.
http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?section=about_medications&Template=/ContentManagement/contentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=19169
As long as you have a prescription, whatever pharmeceutical company the drug comes from should be able to assist you. Whatever that $400 prescription is for, the manufacturer’s assistance line should be able to help you fill out an application. The NAMI site even lists out the names of the drugs in case you don’t know who makes them.
Make the appointment with a psychiatrist and keep it. I know a month is a long time to wait, but it’s like that all over. My daughter has been having problems getting appointments as well. She had an appointment last week which we waited a month for, then the doc cancelled and now we can’t get in until March! I had to beg her new primary care doctor to write her new prescriptions so she doesn’t run out.
I hope the xanax helps you in the interim.
Julie,
I love you and I’ll do my damndest to distract and amuse you tomorrow night. LOve,
Abby
Julie Reply:
January 30th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Awwww….Abby!!!!
One of my sisters was recently diagnosed as bi-polar, and it breaks my heart to see her go through some of the extremes that you have described…
Technically, February 11th is only 12 days from now…only 12 days!
Meanwhile, Lola’s advice on checking about assistance is great – my sister has had some financial set backs, so she was referred to possibly the same place Lola’s talking about…she was able to get help in order to get the medication she needed, so maybe you will be able to, too.
I echo Teresa’s comment – you hide your suffering so well, and tell it so eloquently! If you need ANYTHING, please don’t hesitate to ask… You are in my thoughts and prayers! (((HUGZ!)))
Stacy’s last blog post..Fitness Friday – Week 5!
I’ve known plenty of people with a bipolar disorder and I’m hoping all goes well and your meds are able to be taken care of at your 2/11 appt. Take care and just keep yourself closely surrounded by loved ones until then.
Aw, sweetie, I hope you get something that works, and quick! *hugs*
(Also, now you’ve made me feel guilty for never writing a real post. THANKS
)
Keely’s last blog post..Friday Fill-Ins, please don’t call the authorities because I’m mostly joking. Mostly.
You are my new heroine!! so brave to share and awesome to accept support… We love ya!!
My comrade in arms!! LOL
I know that feeling…wanting to die…but not wanting to kill yourself
HA!! I will call you and make you laugh anytime…I’m on the happy end!!
The NAMI thing is a great idea…if you can’t do it let me know and I will. I’m enough your twin anyway. :p
Speaking of twins…piss off. LOL
Love you and send you big squeezy hugs.
Jenn @ The Coupon Coup’s last blog post..Fitness Friday: Week 4
Ugh, well you don’t want sympathy so I’ll try not to give it but this just plain SUCKS. I’ve had bouts of both depression and anxiety but I’ve never gotten any medication for it since it was mostly during times when I was supposed to be feeling that way (sleep deprivation aka NOW, postpardum). I have had my bouts of craziness, especially with breaking down over something insignificant. I hope you get it straightened out soon. I know how terrible it feels to have raging emotions and not be able to control them. Meme away, meme like a motherfucker if it helps.
On another note, you had a reduction? I’m totally getting one once I lose a bit of weight, it was part of our “I’ll birth your damn kids but then I get surgery” plan and I’m shooting for this summer. We’ll have to dish on that later.
Here’s to better times. And dammit, beer commercials make me weepy too, but it’s only because I’m such a lightweight that I’d be running around topless after a beer or two and that’s no way for the mother of two to act.
Casey’s last blog post..One Of These Crazy Old Nights
Oh this is like reading about myself!
I have suffered from Manic depression for years and years and I’ve tried everything.
Most people around me wouldn’t even know because I hide it.
One minute I am laughing the next minute crying then shouting…
I’m here for you if you ever need an ear!
Nikki’s last blog post..Wonderful
I am soo sorry you are not feeling well. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. I had to have my sister move in with us for 3 months after my 2nd child was born. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you WILL get through this. I promise! {{{{hugs}}}}
Melissa’s last blog post..Funny Friday
Hey Julie, I’ve had days when I sit in the corner and cry for hours too, but I don’t think I’m bipolar, or maybe I am… Anyway, I hope you feel better and I enjoy reading your blog, memes and contests and all…
*hugs to you! 
BTW, if you need some cheering up, I’ve got tons of awards for you at my blog, check it out when you can…
Ane’s last blog post..Friday Fill In: Cheesecake, Johnny Depp and a lil’ something something…
That medication bit must suck. Some of my bipolar meds are over $600 a month. Luckily, since I am considered disabled, I have good insurance with low co-pays. I couldn’t imagine having to pay that much for my meds. I hope that you are able to find something that works that’s cheap.
You do a great job of hiding what’s really going on! You gotta stop that!
Please find the right doctor who will listen to you and help you.
My Uncle is bi-polar so I always worry about that in the back of my mind. When my grandmother passed away suddenly in 2007 I was very depressed. I was on Depakote for migraine prevention at the time. I actually took twice as much as my bi-polar uncle, and I was on Cymbalta for depression and anxiety since I had started teaching in 2005 and that makes you crazy! When I went to my neurologist about 6 months after she died I told him I wanted off everything. I was having suicidal thoughts and couldn’t take it. He just wanted to change the anti-depressant. I asked for a referral to a psychologist and that was the best thing I did. I got off of the anti-depressants at that time as well. My insurance wouldn’t cover the new ones. The therapist really helped. I only had to see her twice.
I have just weened myself off the Depakote as well. I was feeling out of sorts and knew it had to be that. I’m having headaches, but nothing I can’t handle with some Excedrin. I also quit seeing my neurologist because he’s hard to talk to. I was referred to him by the ER when I had an aborted migraine and we thought I was having a stroke. I need to find a new one.
If you ever need to talk or just scream, feel free to e-mail me. My BS is in psy so I tend to know a little too much on the subject.
Not that any of these are a substitute for seeing a doctor, but there are a number of natural remedies for depression.
Here’s a review:http://altmedicine.about.com/od/healthconditionsatod/a/Depression1.htm
They might help a little, to get you through the next week or so until you see the doctor.
Good luck. Have a bi-polar son. Been there.
The Mother’s last blog post..Command Performances!
I am sorry that you are going through all this BUT I am also thankful that you were so open and honest in this blog entry! I am sure in a small way that helped you a bit and I am also sure in some HUGE way this has helped someone else! People get so private about these things and I think that sometimes makes it a lot worse! I have a family member suffering through this right now and it is not easy! Especially b/c they don’t want to talk about it! Looks like you have a lot of support in your life and in the blogging world! I am here to chat as well as lots of other people! Things will get better – after all you are one cool mom!!
Jen’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen – My First One
Well you and just about everyone else knows I love you. It is so frustrating to know that something could help you but I can’t quite get it for you.
Ryan (Julie’s Husband)’s last blog post..Thank You Sesame Street
Hi Julie.
I am a former psych nurse and I can tell you that everybody has something! It’s just learning how to deal with it. I find that running in the morning actually keeps my balance.It’s also way cheaper than meds.
That’s really brave and cool of you to share this with your many fans.
Harriet’s last blog post..I DECLARE FEBRUARY BLOG LUV MONTH
Ooooh, honey…. ((hugs)) You and me could be twins! I’m bipolar as well, and I know the hell that you’re going through!! Seroquel made me gain 65 lbs, which is the weight I’m working my ass off to try to lose. I’m on freaking 1800 mg of Lithium right now, it’s making my hair fall out, my face break out, and most importantly, it’s NOT working. I’m also taking a handful of other pills for all my other mental issues. nice, huh?? I know how hard it is, and how much it sucks. If you ever want to talk, feel free to email me — my contact information is on my Blog. Hang in there. I hope you start feeling better!
Michelle @ Don’t Lick The Walls’s last blog post..My Button of the Week goes to…..
Julie,
You are a bold and beautiful gal. Thank you so much for putting yourself out there with such honesty and humor. You are amazing, my friend! And I’ve seen that Miller Lite commercial. I cry too…:-)
Peace and love! mel
Mel’s last blog post..John Updike
I am attracted to people with this disease. I mean, you’re my friend, my sister, my husband. My husband has taken every kind of drub out there as well. He has gained weight taken it off, gained it again. He goes up and I can’t keep up with him, he goes down and I want to slap him so he’ll get out of bed. But I know that doesn’t work. My sister, she won’t answer the phone or get out of bed so her fiance calls me and tells me to call her. That doesn’t work I’ll call like 50 times in a row and she knows he asked her to call me so she won’t answer.
I can’t share all of the details of my husband on the internet because once it’s on the internet it’s always there. You can e-mail me any time and I’ll give you my cell phone number. As depressed as you are I’m sure you wouldn’t call but I’m here for you. I can’t believe I missed this article. I am subscribed.
I see though, you are LOVED.
I hope my randomness makes sense
Louise’s last blog post..Fitness Friday
Hang in there… Hope you get the help you need soon.
Eathan’s last blog post..Dirt Bike Boy – Special Edition
Julie,
You are in my thoughts and am glad you have this outlet to share. I hope writing/sharing with us helps a little.
Just as you support all of us, we support you!
Hugs,
~Carol
CarolH’s last blog post..Free Shipping at Sephora.com
Hey Julie-
I’m passing on the Life is Grand award to you.
All you need to do is list 5 reasons why life is grand and pass it on.
http://iamharriet.blogspot.com/2009/02/life-is-grand.html
Harriet’s last blog post..I DECLARE FEBRUARY BLOG LUV MONTH
You got some great suggestions above, but I just wanted to give you an extra “you go girl” for support. I’m dealing with the medical system now for my daughter, and it is just a frustrating mess.
Even though I’m not big on contests, I do enjoy your thoughts and sharing moments.
Hang in there!
Carrie’s last blog post..More Special Kids
You hang in there, Julie. We all care about you and while I can’t claim to know what it’s like to be bi-polar, I do know about depression and so I know what it feels like to not really be in control of your moods and such. (((hugs)))
Elizabeth’s last blog post..Not Me Monday! – Happy Groundhog Day!
Oh Julie, I’m sorry for your pain. Maybe getting it out there helped a little bit.
Have you checked the drug website? Sometimes they have coupons or offers that will help pay for the drug. I know how expensive drugs can be.
Hang in there! We all appreciate you and are here for you in a heartbeat!
Elle’s last blog post..Winter Days
I don’t know how I missed this post. HUGS, sweetie. I have lived with those who are bipolar and I myself have struggled with severe depression all my life. Hold on until that appointment. Seriously let me know if you need anything, girl. I will be with you in two days and we can chat if you want.
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Julie Reply:
February 3rd, 2009 at 9:42 am
@Corina,
Yeah…you’re stuck with me now lol. Hope you don’t mind sharing a bed still he he he! We’re singing karaoke!!!