Inside My Mind (Good Luck)
So Tuesday night at work I had a panic attack. I have them ALL THE TIME but while I was having it I thought to myself I should write one out so that’s what I’m about to do. I’d like to thank my buddy Jessalyn for being a rock star by telling me to take a Xanax (I already had) and let her know next time so she can love up on me.
Okay so here it goes. This is exactly what happened to me Tuesday night.
I was standing against the wall looking at the empty rail wondering what I should do. Should I go in the back kitchen and see if food needs to be taken out? What if a guest comes in? If I get distracted in a conversation I won’t be available to greet them in a timely manner and I’ll appear to be a shitty server when in fact I’m overly loving. Fuck. Well what if I just stand here? Now I look like a douche with nothing to do. Hmm…maybe I can clean a table. Well fuck. If I go up to someone’s table and clear up dishes that are empty while people are still at the table it’ll probably look like I think that server isn’t doing her job when I’m actually just wanting to help. Maybe I should sweep. Sweeping is good. I should sweep.
Okay shit. My chest is starting to feel tight. I think I’m getting dizzy. What if I pass out? That would totally suck then everyone would talk about me passing out and I’d be the sick girl who passes out. I hate being the sick girl. I feel sick. Oh I’m dizzy. I think I’m about to have a heart attack. I have a fever. Should I go ask Nicole to feel my forehead and see if I have a fever? She’s a mom. Mom’s have built in thermometers. I don’t have a fever. I’m a mom I can tell. I’m going to go take Tylenol in case I have a fever.
Okay I took Tylenol. My head is starting to hurt. I think too much. I hope I get a guest soon but not too many at one time. I hope I don’t fuck anything up. I really want to be good at what I do. I want the guests to like me and my coworkers to respect me and my bosses to not think I’m an idiot. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere right now. I don’t fit in. I can’t breathe. Oh hell I can’t breathe and I’m going to faint I should just grab a broom and sweep to focus? Holy mother of pearl I’m just going to get a Xanax.
Can people see me digging through my bag looking for it? Could I get in trouble for taking it? No. No one can see me and I’m invisible in this place. All of us are. We’re supposed to just pop in, serve, be social and pop out. Twenty minutes. I just need twenty minutes. Give me something to focus on. There’s Chuck. He’s funny and I feel super cool when I make him laugh for some reason. I think I’ll stand there. Ooh wait, I see Jessalyn! I’m going to hover near her and get her karma. She doesn’t think I’m weird.
That’s when she told me to come to her next time. I’m the restaurant mom there but she’s become a source of comfort for me there and that’s a good thing because as popular as I can get to be I typically always feel like an outsider wherever I am so it’s nice to have a couple key people I know I can trust to know they care and if I hyperventilate and fall over they’ll help me think of a cool reason like I was karate chopped in the throat instead of having a panic attack over a piece of thread I can’t get off the floor.
Dude. I told you I was fucking nuts. I know that little bit is fast and rambly. I just gave myself an anxiety attack writing about an anxiety attack. That’s EXACTLY what goes on inside my head. I think fast and I hover outside my own body. The night came and I got a steady stream of guests and I started out rocky and dizzy but ended up kicking ass and getting a lot of people drunk and I brought home $177 so it turns out being crazy is manageable if you have Xanax and a good friend.
Holla.
19 Comments
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You’re not nuts at all. That’s EXACTLY what a panic attack feels like. I’ve only had maybe 2,3 but hubby gets them a lot and he talks them through…and this is what he sounds like. Your brain is just on overdrive. Thank you for sharing so that those who don’t get them (or have someone really close who suffers) can see what they’re like! (Which is scary, they are just drop dead scary.)
ginabad´s last [type] ..Uncertainty…Your New Middle Name
If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.
Oh, I am so sorry to hear that. That really is not something nice and no one should have to go through that if you ask me…. I hope you are feeling better
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I can’t even imagine what it’s like. Sounds frightening…
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Glad you had a friend to help you out.
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Glad that you have a friend at work that can help you through an anxious moment (not minute). You got a great tip take-home that night, you must have done something right for the customers!! Julie, you are awesome, girl! Hugs at ya!
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Having cycothymia I know all too well of panic attacks and how debilitating they can be.
Xanax and Klonopin are mommy’s little helpers. Take your helper, always.
Dark Mother´s last [type] ..I Need a Whaaambulance!
If you’re crazy then I’m crazy and we’re all a little crazy or a lot crazy during our 20 minute moments of Xanax digging. I definitely have moments when I’m having brain wars. That’s what I call them, brain battles. I say the left lobe is battling the right lobe. It hurts!
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Glad you got your poop together.
kyooty´s last [type] ..Happy Friday, tonight it’s VGNO~
Absolutely brilliant!!
I think I’m going to make a t-shirt that says that… “crazy is manageable if you have Xanax and a good friend”.
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I agree with Dr. B and Mr. Buffet.
*hugs*
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Dang…that’s awesome money for one night! Good job!
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I often karate chop people in the throat. Only villains, though. You would be safe.
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When in doubt, grab a bar rag and wipe something down… and hang with a good friend that doesn’t think that you’re bat shit crazy.
Todd´s last [type] ..Catnip Tea
*Hugs* Love you so much girlie- thanks for sharing, I never knew. I always feel sort of on the outside too even though I’ve always had lots of friends etc. I have never had a whopping panic attack like that- I can’t even imagine. Glad you have friends there you can count on- and Xanax so you can get it under control.
I always wonder if I am crazy then I wonder if crazy people think they are crazy then I wonder who gives a fuck if I am as long as I am doing what needs to get done and having a good time (or at least trying to).
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I understand. Fuck. I hate that. I get that feeling when my mind is racing (Which it is most of the time), I start feeling dizzy like I’m going to fall, feeling like I don’t belong anywhere, and that I don’t fit in just like you said. I then feel like everyone is staring at me-even if they are not directly looking at me. Then I can’t breathe. My heart/chest gets so tight. I try to breathe. I try to sit down, and put my head down to breathe. Nothing stops it. It just gets worse the more I think about it. Xanax…fuckin A thank you Xanax!
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Oh heavens, I get those too. I HATE HATE HATE them. We went to Disneyland last week, I went on a KIDS ride,as soon as it started My chest got sooo tight and I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I started to breath really fast and shallow and could not stop. I tried to GET OFF THE KIDS RIDE!!!!! Everyone was looking at ME. That did NOT help matters, at all. I was crying and looked like a damn fool! I never tried Xanax, but think that just might be what I need. Needless to say, I did not go on anymore rides at Disneyland, I had to sit them ALL out. NO fun
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Aww pal! I loves you! You’re a great friend too. Ill fucking feed you the xanax if you need me to!
Thanks for sharing your crazy experience. You are very crazy indeed. Sharing this kind of experience is one of the nicest things you have ever done.
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