*I posted this last Friday but had a site issue so I’m posting it again now because I liked this post*

Dude come on, admit it.  That is AWESOME.  I know I shouldn’t be all psyched up about a hurricane with my name (ish) but I don’t recall hearing one before and I’m curious to see what she’s up to.  Half my friends think she’ll creep up, scare the shit out of everyone and bow out at the last minute and say “Psyche!” and the other half think she’ll go wild and end up singing Journey at karaoke (total pro faux pas).

Three times in two months I’ve had a sinus infection.  I knew round one and two I had to see my regular doc but round three meant a specialist and if any of you were here to bear witness to the hell that was the last year I lived, you can catch a glimpse here.

You know how I went all bat shit crazy the other day about being bipolar and the stigma behind it but it’s not bullshit people.  It’s a nightmare and I’ve lived with it my whole life without knowing.  I self-medicated for years.

I am so grateful for the help you’ve all given me.  The support I’ve seen from my friends and my competent doctors.  My parents.  Everyone.  I’m usually all shiny happy people but when I went into the doc with round three of the sinus infection, I expected the same shit – sleep studies – that damn mask thing.  Months of waiting and insurance and pain management issues.

What I was not prepared for was a brilliant doctor at a small practice who not only explained to me in detail what absolutely made sense, but he did it with such ease I wanted to cry.

This is what I was told. I’m paraphrasing.

• Those fuckers at that other place are mental
• My tonsils are huge (I giggled because the drawing looked like boobies)
• My concern over me biting my tongue was most likely due to the tonsils pushing my tongue forward.  He’s seen that happen with many children. The removal should fix that.
• It’s quite likely that the hysterectomy combined with my chronic sinus issues is leading to these problems.

WOW.  That makes a shitload of sense.  So this is what he says.

(This was Monday) – “Okay then, we’ll get you scheduled for an x-ray on your sinuses because I’d hate to go in to remove your tonsils and see I could have helped a potential issue there.  I’m going to speak with the allergist we have on site about pain management and from there I’ll give you a call to follow up.  There’s no sense in making you come back for an appointment just to have me tell you that so I’ll call to save you the trip.  You will need an in-office procedure (for something – I have no clue what he meant) and about two weeks after that we’ll get those tonsils out for you.  I have to go to a conference this weekend but you’ll hear from me when I get back.”

That is verbatim.  I know this because I sat in shock as he so easily talked me through what was one of the most horrifying experiences of my life last year.  When the nurse arrived to give me all the checkout stuff I said, “So I’ll hear from you next week?”

Her reply – “No.  He calls all of his patients himself.”

Even my therapist had to sit down when I told her that one.

So why the hurricane when the eye of the storm is clearly ahead?  For one, I’m bat shit crazy.  Secondly, I haven’t been sleeping well because I jammed my finger tossing the football around with some guys in the neighborhood and this sinus infection is annoying as hell so I wake up a lot saying “Ow”.

I’ve been a shitty bloggy friend.  I’ve networked and wrote as best as I could but I’ve slacked on the review/giveaway stuff and The Wii Mommies and commenting back (I have tried) because I am still absolutely petrified.  I fully trust this doctor but up until the day the no-op failed me trusted that one, too. I had to suffer the Lithium withdrawal (BAT SHIT CRAZY and actually not needed, it was an estrogen adjustment that fixed me) and the anticipation is kind of pulling me over the edge, especially knowing it’s just weeks away.

What helps is singing.  Xanex, my friends, all of you who know I’m going to be a bit serious sometimes and pour my soul onto these pages and pee in a cup (coming soon) to post on Facebook for us all to laugh at.

I’m sick of being sick.  I’m sick of being tired.  I’m too young for all of this.  While my life is amazing and awesome and I smile and sing and laugh, I wake every day terrified it may be my last and I’m grateful for my therapist, all of you and the medications that constantly need to be adjusted to help support me.

I’m going to a conference this weekend.  I’m going to sleep.  I’m going to write.  I’m going to rock my own socks off (I really never wear them).  I will get better because I’ll have my bloggy buddies with me in the flesh (PILLOW FIGHT!) and I know I will recover.  I know this operation will help me in the long run but the anticipation and angst from the months before might make me get a bit shitty from time to time.  I might not be as funny, I might skip a day.  I’ll never skip two.

I’m gonna go now.  I need a hug and Elaina’s standing behind me waiting to give me one.

Thanks for reading this. Thanks for loving me and thank you all so much for helping me survive last year.

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