I have a douchebag co-worker.  I won’t say her name because it irritates me but the people who work with me that are reading this know exactly who I’m talking about.  If she reads this I hope it serves as an intervention because she has a reputation and I had a SUPER good time putting her in her place last week.

From her I’ve learned a lot.

Primarily, don’t be a douchebag co-worker.

She comes in dragging ass, will sometimes not take tables right off the bat which gives us more work, tells every single person she comes in contact with her entire personal history which is NOT AT ALL ENTERTAINING and she likes to aggravate everyone around her.

She’s told people she’d close for them if they were sick and she’s changed her mind at the last minute.  She’s fucked up tabs, made customers wait for thirty minutes for a drink refill, has stopped taking tables and begins to immediately whine because it turns out if you irritate someone enough they’ll let you leave early and she has a voice that makes me want to punch her in the throat.

I’m not a mean person.  I’m very nice.  To a fault.  This chick brings out the asshole in me.  I’m never even welcoming.  I say “What” when I hear my name – typically while I’m busy doing something and she’s wanting me to watch her tables so she can smoke.  I always say no.  Always.  I’ll watch any table but hers.  I enjoy saying no.  I get pleasure from saying that to her.

I also took pleasure in telling her that she doesn’t have Vertigo and doesn’t need to leave early because she’s having no trouble texting and smoking cigarettes.  I told her she has a reputation for being a slacker and when she comes to me to complain that she was yelled at for things I like to say “I know.  We all know”, because it’s the truth.  I don’t lie to her.  I don’t like lying, it’s too hard to remember what you say when you lie.  I’m brutally honest in the hopes that she’ll either snap out of it and become cool, quit (she’s no-showed twice already) or get fired.

I want to be the one to fire her.  They need to say I’m training to be a manager so I can tell her why she’s being fired.

I do like that the universal dislike we have for said individual is bringing us as a whole together because we all have stories of how we’ve gotten burned to share.  That’s a fun thing.  It’s like telling ghost stories around the campfire only it’s douchebag stories at table 99.

I know this is mean but it’s fucking funny.  If you plan on working in any environment at all anywhere ever this can serve as a life lesson for you.  Don’t be this chick.  The only good thing she ever did for me was accidentally leave me a big tip because she was too drunk to count her money before she stole a Stella glass from the bar.

I give her about two more weeks tops.  I’ll keep you posted!

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