This is what I looked like tonight only it’s a completely different day and place than where that picture was taken.  Ironically enough (not really) it was taken in a bar and I wore that exact outfit again tonight to my one month-aversary of not drinking to my AA meeting.

Here’s the thing – I’m immensely depressed.

I haven’t been on here because I’ve lost all of my creative genius and I’ve been afraid to say it.  Maybe saying it will bring it back.  It’s because I’m sick and very dismayed.  I got as sick as I was before I ever started treatments and I never thought I’d be that sick again.  We now have an “AA related announcement” at the end of the meeting where I say “Please refrain from smoking near me or wearing heavy perfumes or colognes and I have to hang out in the Atrium at Amalie’s because I can’t get cold or my lung will collapse and I will die” or something to that effect because I ended up with a serious case of pneumonia AND a sinus infection that took me almost two weeks to get over and I’m just now starting to feel improvement.  I haven’t had the ability to work so I’m broke and I couldn’t see my kids for a few days because they have bad allergies and are susceptible to illness and we don’t want to take chances with their health.

So basically I’ve been completely alone for over a week and that doesn’t agree with me at all.

I’ve been crying, lacking energy or motivation and feeling completely isolated and friendless even though I know I’m super popular and awesome.  I tried going for a walk the other day and couldn’t breathe so I had to stop every time I saw a bench, I’m using both of my inhalers twice a day and I’m on “super antibiotics” (that’s what they said) and someone actually suggested that I start walking around with a mask on.

Yeah.  I’m too vain for that.

I don’t understand why I’m so sick.  It didn’t start until just after I had my second son.  My uterus and the rest of my reproductive organs shit the bed, my tonsils literally disintegrated and my immunity levels plummeted.  The doctors believe my fucked up blood is linked to the fact that I’m a bipolar insomniac with a panic disorder and now because of certain medications I’ve been on combined with the amount of alcohol (I assume) I consumed my liver is saying “Fuck you.”

Oh yeah, and my right lung is fucked from pneumonia.

I don’t feel anything from the liver stuff and the doctor said it’s nothing to worry about as long as I don’t drink and said it’s two-fold because the strength of the medication required to help me sleep at night mixed with alcohol equals a fifty percent chance Julie won’t wake up.  The good news is that I actually want to live.

I feel like a shitty employee and co-worker, a loser friend for not going out anymore and I’m single and lonely but have decided that dating is a huge pain in the ass and I don’t want to do it.  That kick lasted all of three weeks and four dates and I’m back to where I was before.

MISERABLE.

I’m going to start a giveaway this week.  I know that’s off the subject but I’ve been feeling a super weight on me for not starting it yet.

I feel like a shitty blogger and friend to all of you but like I said, I can’t think creatively and I’m not sure if my sobriety has anything to do with it but I was told that it is common and it will pass.  I’m not going to drink.  I don’t want to drink and I don’t crave a drink.  Drinking reminds me of someone very abusive in my life and I’d never want to be that person.

So that’s it.  I needed to bitch.  I’m sitting alone in my room after claiming my one month chip to a room missing a few key people but the ones who were there were super happy and supportive.  I immediately came home instead of going out because I have to work in the morning and I want to be well as it’s my first day back.  I’m alone in bed listening to music that depresses me but for some reason can’t change the artist (Peter Gabriel – the “Us” album depresses the shit out of me but it’s so super awesome that I’m listening anyway).

I’m not religious and I don’t pray but I’m totally down if you are and do.  If that’s the case send me some positive vibes because I have to kick this depression before it catches up with my bipolar and fucks us all up.

Thank you for letting me share.

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