Okay so I’m having an operation a week from tomorrow and I have NO IDEA how long it’s going to be before I feel like going out.  I know I always feel like writing so even though I know I’m going to be in absolute misery, I’m going to write and social network as much as possible so I’m kind of looking forward to it.

What I don’t know is when I can sing again.

*Wah*

Since I know it’ll probably be a few weeks before I get out of the house, I’m going out every night this week.  I don’t drink.  After the pneumonia came back two weeks ago I decided I’m done with drinking.  When I drink I smoke and if I smoke I choke and die.

After last night, I am SO GLAD I don’t drink.  Bars are so much more fun (unless you work at one they say) when you’re sober.  I’m not that easily annoyed, I have a five and two year old so drunk people are more amusing than annoying. 

So last night my bestie and I decided to go to a bar that TRY (my co-host from my podcast) was working at last night.  Happens to be the same bar we talked about three weeks ago on the show.  The bar where a guy peed next to one of the tables at last call.  I love this bar.

I had no intention of staying late – I’m making my rounds to all my bars before my operation.  I have to make sure everyone feels the appropriate amount of sorry for me and I also want them to know I’m not being a dick, I’m just having an operation that could put me out for a month.  I’m going to go insane.  I’ll blog about later.

Thank *insert worship of choice here* for social networking.

Basically, the night was normal.  It started off with a woman who I assumed was scared and sober singing that Kid Rock/Sheryl Crow song, “Picture”.  Please people.  DO NOT SING THAT SONG (or anything by Journey, it’s been done.  It’s always done.  I will stop believin’ – I swear it).

So she and her mate walk up to sing.  He acts all badass and takes it to the bar to sit and sing and she’s pulling me up to sing with her.  I’m saying “Nope” but she looked so scared.  I said I’d stand behind her and sing along to help her out but she insists I need to sing with her.  She has already dropped the mic once and tripped over god knows what but I felt so bad for her.  I thought I was a fucking saint.  Like a karaoke preschool teacher.

He was right.  She’s fucking crazy.

After that song TRY flipped his shit about her being nuts.  For those of you wondering why I call him that it’s because his initials are T.R.Y. and it’s a lot easier to introduce yourself as a host that way than saying your actual name at a show because it confuses drunk people with the same name.

Anywho, he is seriously pissed and annoyed and I’m all like “Fuck you, dude.  She was scared.  She didn’t know any better.”

He proceeds to tell me I have no idea what I’m saying because I’m way too nice to people and he went over all of the crazy she did in about five minutes.  She couldn’t hold a microphone, couldn’t sing on tune, dragged a stranger to share a mic (NEVER DO THAT.  It’ll only make everything worse.  Also please don’t group sing.  Please).  I stood by my theory that she was just scared and intimidated.

Um. Yeah….not so much.

He was right.  She’s fucking crazy.

About three hours later there’s suddenly screaming and clawing and total nonsense. I was THRILLED.

I totally didn’t plan on staying late but Elaina said she heard a chick tell Crazy that her boyfriend has a small penis.  She said the next thing she saw was Crazy flush up against the brick with Chick in her face.  I didn’t see any of this because I don’t go anywhere near smoke now.  It terrifies me.   Smoke, not fights.

Elaina comes inside and starts telling me this but the girls somehow brought it inside too.  YAY!  I just sat at the end of the bar sipping on a coke watching two women be poorly held back by who I’m assuming are their boyfriends and Crazy is screaming about wanting to call 911.

She doesn’t even have a cell phone.  Dude.  At once point she was screaming that her purse was stolen and it was sitting two feet away from her.  She wanted to borrow the bar’s landline phone to call 911.  She somehow gets the phone and starts running around with the phone in her arms as people are trying to shut her the fuck up and get the phone back.

More screaming, some tears and then everyone gets tossed outside.

I followed.

Hell yes, I followed!  Elaina and I ran right on out there along with all the people fighting.  I sat at the super far end so I’d avoid smoke and she and I watched on as it went from the two women fighting to their boyfriends fighting each other.  Then Crazy starts mouthing off BIG TIME to the bouncer.  He bounced her.  BOUNCED.  Well, she took a few minutes to stand back up but damn, she was leveled.  Then Chick and Crazy’s dates decide they not only hate each other but they hate bouncer too and they both jumped on him.

That gave Chick and Crazy time to get face to face again.  I actually saw them walk up to each other to ask what they were fighting about.  They didn’t remember.  Then Crazy said, “Well I went to hug you and you hurt me.” and Chick went BALLS.  Whoo!  Chick grabbed Crazy right by the head and flipped her ass down on the pavement.   BAM!

Now we had two completely separate groups of people fighting in the parking lot and Elaina saying “For my first time being at this bar, it’s pretty fucking awesome!”

One of the bartenders is super cute and tiny and she got in there to break some of it up.  She ended up getting her knee and elbow fucked up.  The other two bartenders called the cops and Elaina and I just pretty much cheered them on.  I kept trying to get pictures of me with them all fighting in the back but we didn’t want to use the flash because I was sober and REALLY didn’t want five drunk people coming after us so I had Elaina take one of me in the empty bar reenacting the fight when we were on lock-down.

The cops were called and everyone who isn’t trying to kill someone is forced into the bar and told we can’t leave.  This is where I get annoyed.  I have to wake up at eight.  I was cool with staying for a bit because Crazy was still being fucking Crazy but I’m a super huge fan of sleeping and I was getting bored.  She was already in the cop car at this point and she was still foaming at the mouth.

TRY didn’t even care about watching.   He said after a decade in his business drama isn’t impressive, it’s annoying.  Not to us!  Elaina sat on my lap and we looked through the blinds watching the hair fly as he proceeded to close down all the karaoke shit and make sure it was protected.

So that pretty much went on until three in the morning.  At that point, I was whiny.  I was a sober non-smoker at a bar with some drunk smokers (lumibd, you kwim lol <—textbonics) and I wanted to get the fuck home and in bed.  I figured the least they could do was let me pose holding one of their guns or something but nooo, Julie isn’t allowed to ask for pictures with them because they’re “Working”.

I said, “I bet I can talk her down, I’ll just start singing that Sheryl Crow/Kid Rock song.” and TRY said it should be a standing rule that anyone who sings that song at karaoke should be arrested and there’s no way in hell anyone is letting me anywhere near those people.  I’m all sick and blah, blah, blah.  Whatever.  I could take her.

That’s really about it I think.  Finally at three I did the five year old stomp and whined “I wanna go home” in my most annoying voice (so my regular one) and one of the seven cops there gave me permish and they moved their cars Like three cop cars showed up, I’ve never seen a fight like this before.  I lead a sheltered life.  Bahahaha!) out of the way and Elaina and I drove off into the wild blue yonder (my house).

He was right.  She’s fucking crazy.

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