Wow. I am one lucky lady. Lucky, lucky, lucky.
I have so much to be thankful for. I suppose it’s the best time of the year for that.
Every relationship in my life has been tested and proven in the past month. When someone goes through a major trauma people either shy away or step up. That’s it. There really is no middle ground.
I was raped. Plain and simple. It was not on a damn boat you psycho and all the proper measures were put in place and action was taken so stay the fuck out of my life (you know who you are), it was a month ago and the details are horrid and painful and nobody’s business but my therapists. I’ve come to terms with that. I’m not angry, I’m not scared (although I do want to list my phobias for you tomorrow. Turns out there are quite a few and I’m “quirky” but they have nothing to do with this) and I do NOT feel sorry for myself.
What happened was I went through PTSD. Lucky for me I’m brilliant. I did everything right. I Googled trauma and PTSD and saw that every emotion I had was natural. It sucked and I hated every second of it but it was natural. Sure I wanted to kill myself but you know what I did? What I really did? I went to a hospital.
I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs or lie. I am truly a good person. I work hard to be the best mother, friend and employee possible. If I’m not at work I am with my children until it’s time to put them to bed then I put them to bed and I leave to shower and either go to bed or an AA meeting. I have a FANTASTIC relationship with my ex and we have dinner together as a family four or five nights a week when I either work days or have off. I don’t talk about my kids much because my blog is about me not them and I have some really psycho readers who don’t need to know anyone’s business but mine. Make sense?
I quit drinking three months ago. I was traumatized since. I could have drank but I didn’t. A lot of people would have. Instead I went to my family (THAT was a wake up call. Holy shit some of my family is made of pure evil), my friends (you), AA and therapy. Therapy twice a week. I was taught to ground myself and I’ve never used the phrase “coping skills” more in my entire life. I’m finding I have quite a lot of strength.
I would go to my 10PM meetings and give my entire soul to the room and you know how they reacted? They called me, they sent me texts and they were there for me every single night. They let me cry and panic and grieve. I freaked out at work. I was jumpy and moody and my bosses are AMAZING and gave me a few weeks off. I’m starting back this week and I am 100% ready. I did my best to blog (OMG sorry it was so dark but my life is a reality show and you’re reading it) and my children never once saw that I was upset in any way.
I take medication for my bipolar disorder and because of all the medications I was put on to heal me after my trauma (physical injuries) I fucked them up. Because I was already cycling and I know that any change in my blood causes Julie to go a bit loco I packed a bag, went to AA and said “Hey, I’m sad and I won’t be back for about a week. I need a siesta or else I’m going to destroy myself” and to my great surprise, they all banded together and basically had me float to my destination. My car was taken somewhere safe so I wouldn’t have to leave it in a parking garage and three of my friends drove to and walked me into the hospital where I sat in an ER for 11 hours then went up to my “Mexican prison” and I had a wonderful experience.
I talked someone out of wanting to die. Then I suddenly didn’t want to die.
I had five days without outside contact (save for those of you who came to see me, thank you) and I went to group therapy like six billion times a day and talked to about five different people per day about my issues. Dude, that shit really works. If you work a program the way it’s intended, it works. AA taught me that. I was desolate and weak and insecure and one day I was at a group meeting and this girl was in so much pain and it hurt me so bad. I told her these exact words -
“I don’t know you but I don’t want you to die. When I think about my own life I know that in reality I want to be alive, which is why I took the preemptive measures to send me here, but I don’t actually value my life. I value yours. Maybe it’s time I take a look at myself like I’m someone else. Maybe we can help each other until I can. From now on tell me I’m awesome and I’ll do the same. All of you, everyone in this room. Tell me I’m awesome every chance you get and I’ll return the favor because you know what? You are awesome.”
That’s exactly what happened. Suddenly that entire place lit up. Over the next three days that was all anyone heard. The nurses called me “Ms. Awesome” and we laughed and played board games and at one point I actually asked if all the happiness was allowed. I made a difference in peoples lives. A major difference. For that time at least I made people want to be alive. I can’t say how they are now because we’re all fucking crazy and they discourage everyone from outside contact but I know for a fact I gave people hope and in turn saved my own life. I suddenly saw myself for what I am – beautiful, smart, caring and really fucking awesome.
I left that hospital and shed a tear when I saw the sun. I got online and joked around. I wrote a blog post (you loved it) and I went back to my meetings bursting with sunshine. Everyone saw a change in me and I can’t wait to get back to work to make a shit-ton of money and goof off with everyone.
Now this doesn’t mean I don’t have drama. I’m always going to have drama but I’m clearing away the wreckage of my past so I can trudge the road of happy destiny or some shit. We say something like that and yell “HAPPY DESTINY!” at the end of every meeting. Then we talk like pirates for a minute.
Bottom line is this – you all took care of me. Your experience, strength and hope carried me through what was unquestionably the hardest, lowest point in my life and I came out alive, sober and free. The power of a compliment and touch do wonders for the soul. Do me a favor and tell someone they’re awesome today. Not just me (tell me I’m awesome too) but someone else. More than one person. Watch how their eyes open a little wider and they stand a little taller. Be proud of yourself for making a positive impact on someone’s life. Be proud of yourself for helping save mine.
Unless you douched out on me and/or betrayed my trust, then you can go suck my virtual balls.
Thank you. Thank you a whole fucking lot. Even those of you who douched out because now I know who I can trust and love and I know who trusts and loves me. I’m so very impressed with my life and I’m glad you’re a part of it.
Thanks for letting me share.