Momspective» Julie Maloney’s Momspective

Jul
30
2009

Flightmare

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Okay, so I’m sitting in my room at the Ocean Isle Inn but I can’t slap my hot pink bikini on until I tell everyone about my “flightmare” yesterday.  As my good friend Jenna McCarthy said to me on Facebook yesterday, I just have to share my “perturbulance” with all of you.

I left Syracuse, NY yesterday to return home (for about 17 hours) to Fort Mill, SC.  I flew alone with my two kids, ages 4 & 1 from Syracuse through Newark to Charlotte.  Flying is nothing new to me or my children.  I actually wrote a post weeks back about how to fly with your kids and everything would have gone smoothly had it not been for one incident – unexpected poo.

We woke up at 7:00 yesterday morning and headed to the Syracuse airport.  Tears were shed as we said goodbye to my parents but everything else was great.  Security was smooth and the flight from Syracuse to Newark flew (he he) right by.  Josh slept and Jake sat snacking and chatting away.

We get to Newark and our next gate is about 15 feet away.  Smooth as silk, I tell ya.  I’m thinking to myself, “Yeah.  This is why I wrote that post about flying with your kids.  I’ve got this down to a science.”

BAHAHAHAHA.

Let me tell you something, people.  There is no smooth ride.  No one flies better than my children, of that I’m sure.  I calculated that my four year old has been on over 40 plane rides (including connection flights).  I’ve taken my kids to Upstate NY every three months since my first was born and it’s become second nature to us.   Yesterday, I lived my worst flightmare.

The second flight from Newark to Charlotte boarded smoothly and the kids settled in well.  I knew they were both tired and was counting on them both falling asleep.  What I didn’t count on was the massive deuce Josh was going to take in his diaper just as the “fasten seat belt” light turned on.

Shit.  Literally.  This kid looked at me with a smile and that look of universal poo concentration.  You know, the one where your eyes glaze over and you slightly hold your breath as you pinch one out.  The plane pulls away from the gate and we taxi out on the runway and suddenly Joshua, content in his release, decides to fall asleep.

People everywhere are suddenly shuffling around.  I hear coughing and see eyes darting around to figure out what that awful stink was and all eyes landed on me.

For the first time in my life, I had absolutely no idea what to do.  I couldn’t stand up to go change him and even if I could, the aircraft didn’t have a changing table in the bathroom.  The woman on the aisle seat weighed about 400 pounds, listening to her music and not about to move (to be honest, I was too scared of her to ask).

Even if I did manage to get myself out of my seat, I’d have not only woken Josh up, but my four year old Jake would have to come along.  That means I’d have a screaming baby getting poo changed upright in a tiny airplane bathroom and Jake would touch every single thing I’d ask him not to.

So I did nothing.  Not a damn thing.  I sat bolt upright in that seat for an hour and a half with both kids passed out on me.  With my left hand, I cradled Joshua so he could sleep on my shoulder.  With my right, I held the tiny ball of poo I could feel through his pants in his diaper.  Jacob leaned on my arm as he slept.

I held poo for an hour and a half.

My thought was that if I could put something over his ass, it wouldn’t stink so bad.  I also figured not moving at all would help, so I sat super still and refused to make eye contact with a single person.  I cupped his nasty dead animal-like smelling turd and I waited.

Suddenly, the captain comes over the loud speaker announcing twenty minutes until landing.  I looked up at that sky and thanked the good Lord above for getting me this far without some kind of FAA fine for aircraft contamination.  Naturally, the announcement woke both kids up with a start and with all the rest and excitement of finally getting home, they got SUPER excited.

I seriously almost cried.  Out of nowhere, Josh wanted to play.  He didn’t care that he had dropped an A-bomb in his diaper almost two hours earlier, he just wanted to jump and play with everything within reach.  I kept my hand cupped as tightly over his poo as humanly possible, but there was just no way around it.  The smell was getting worse.

To cap things off, Jacob, who is a MASSIVE repeater, decided to inform me that “Joshua dropped a deuce”.  That is exactly how and what he said for the final twenty minutes of our flight.  He told me how gross is smelled and talked to those around us about it.  We had a pilot sitting behind us just for the ride and Jake kept asking him if he could get us to land so that mommy can clean up Josh’s poo.  All I could do was keep my eyes shut and count each second until we landed.

When that moment finally came and the fasten seat belt light turned off, every single person in the rows in front of me parted like the Red Sea to let us pass.  The death stares shooting through me as I was ushered off the aircraft went right to my very core.  On top of that, I had road kill poo stink on my hands.

I ran those kids to the bathroom and got Josh changed as best I could (he was too excited to lay down so we did it standing anyway) then had to wash my hands about fifteen times and use an entire bottle of hand sanitizer just to get a hint of my own normal stink back.

I drop my boys in the double stroller and haul ass out security to meet my husband, who I haven’t seen in nearly a month.  As he and his children reunite, Jacob looked at him and said, “Joshua dropped a deuce and mommy wouldn’t change it.”

Welcome home, Julie.  Welcome home.

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Written by Julie in: Adventures

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