Depression
After I had my second child, I was a mess. I’ve always battled depression, and was on medication throughout my pregnancy. That’s why I was shocked when roughly 3 weeks after my son was born I was an absolute mess. How can a woman who is medicated suffer from PPD?
I wasn’t sleeping, I’m sure that’s one reason. My first son spoiled us rotten. Slept 8 hours from the get-go. I nursed him a full year yet by 10 weeks he was sleeping 13 hours a night. This one, forget it. He’s almost 6 months old and has yet to grant more than 3 hours at a time.
So back when Josh was around 3 weeks, I was miserable. I felt helpless, hopeless and was disgusted with myself. I was WAY too fat for my taste, since I gained a whopping 60 pounds with him. Pack that on top of the baby weight I hadn’t lost from the first one. Too tired to exercise and too depressed to not eat chocolate, I just dressed in the dark and avoided cameras and mirrors.
I’m not sure about you, but with my depression I have a tendency to lash out at the ones I love most. Namely, my husband. Knowing he didn’t deserve it, I just tried to ignore him. One evening while getting ready for “bed”, a term I now use loosely since I’m hardly in it anymore, he said something to me. I don’t even know what. I just knew I didn’t like him. He didn’t do anything wrong. I knew that, I just didn’t like him. Or anyone else for that matter.
I sat in the corner in the chair feeding Joshua and I believe we made some snarky comments at each other. I’m not lying when I say we don’t fight. We’ll make some snark, as we call it, but we just don’t fight. Out of what was probably concern but I took for god knows what, he comes to me and asks whats wrong. I say nothing. He keeps asking.
Anyone who has read anything in this site has probably figured out that I’m a communicator. My whole life all I’m told is that I talk too much. People with manners don’t say too much, they say “a lot”. That evening, I just didn’t want to talk. Maybe that’s what gave it away.
So blah, blah, blah. Ryan just keeps questioning me. I’m pretty sure I got rude, because he got upset. That made me upset. The next thing I know, I am hysterical. I don’t know what was said or how it was triggered, I just know I was releasing a river of tears.
Within moments, I’m devastated to see my mother coming into my room. She was in town helping with the baby’s arrival, but had gone to bed upstairs and my room was on the main floor. She said that she didn’t hear anything, she just felt compelled to come to me. She walked up to me and held my face in her hands, asking me what was wrong.
I consider my mother the absolute strongest person I know. She has lived a challenging life and still remains true to her faith and her family. I rarely see her cry and never hear her complain about her health. The last thing I wanted was for her to see me cry. In my mind, maybe her seeing that weakness in me would make her think less of me. I don’t know. I really don’t.
So when my mom walked into my room I was humiliated. As she takes my face in her hands and asks me what is wrong, I am suddenly a child again. Remember when you’d go to a sleep over and want to go home? Or when you were sick and wanted your mommy? You’d hear or see your mom or dad and at that moment would be helpless to stop your voice from trembling as the tears came from your eyes. That was me. As I held my own child close to me, my mother held me.
Then she surprised me. Leaning back and looking into my eyes she said, “Listen. Tomorrow when you wake up I want you to call your doctor, tell her everything that’s wrong, and get some medication.” WHOA. I am floored. I always felt there was a stigma associated with anti-depressants that meant if you took them you were weak. People talk like I should be able to handle my own problems without the need for medication.
When I mentioned uncomfortably that I was already on medication, my mother simply said, “Well you need more. You call that doctor and you get some help.” Naturally, I cried more, but I felt better. That following morning, I did call. I was listened to and hugged and yes, medicated.
Since that time about 5 months ago I have noticed a dramatic improvement. Even though Josh STILL doesn’t sleep, I found the time and energy to exercise and get in shape. My spirits lifted and my relationship with my husband remains strong. Life is good.
That’s why I think I’m so dang Blah today. When my medication ran out and I called it in to my pharmacy, I didn’t know it would be days of going without. When the days started to pass and I was still unmediated, I started to think maybe I wouldn’t need it. Maybe I was suddenly okay. I don’t want to have to be medicated my whole life.
Then today happened. It’s just a regular day. I got to hang out with one of my absolute best friends this morning. God bless this girl, she lets me talk. And talk. She listens. It astounds me. I got to spend time with my nephew, sister and brother in law. It was a sunny day. It just took one thing. That was it. One disappointment. When another friend let me down, it took everything in me with it. Suddenly the sky wasn’t so blue, the sun not so bright.
It was also the day my sister and her husband went back home from their short vacation here. My nephew, who lived here for the past few years, is joining the service so he returned home to be with his mother and our family until he goes. These things shouldn’t have bothered me as bad as they did. I’m headed there (Syracuse) in just 3 weeks and will stay almost 2 weeks there. I’ll return again in December to stay for the month. Even though I live states away, my family relationship remains strong and we all see each other often.
I dropped them at the airport and was suddenly devastated. My disappointment in my friend, my family leaving, the fact I had to cook dinner when I got home. It was just too much. My husband Ryan sends me a text and my reply is blah. Without asking, he calls my doctor and pharmacy. He leaves work and gets my medication. He puts it in my hand and tells me it’s okay.
So now I know. I will be medicated forever. What’s the difference between my need for anti-depressants to save my sanity and the insulin for a diabetic? I say none. Both medications fill the need for the chemical that our body can’t produce. I have a chemical imbalance that needs to be modified. I will not be ashamed.
I bet tomorrow will be a better day.
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I’m sorry you’re having a sad face day. I wish I was there to hug ya.
Thank you so much for being so forth coming about your experience. It is very difficult to talk about postpartum depression. I just know that this post will help countless mothers who are suffering in the dark.
I know how awful it feels to have to be medicated. I have 2 beautiful kiddos, and experienced postpartum depression after both babies. I only chose to seek out medication and therapy after my second baby. Life is so much better for my family now. I am so glad that I sought out the help that I desperately needed. I will most likely take medication for the rest of my life. Oh well. At least my family will be happy and healthy!
I have a post on my blog about my journey to healing after my first baby, without medication. It is only half of my story about being healed, but I think it is important to remember that getting well involves following more than one avenue. http://homeschoolingcoach.com/blog/2008/08/18/getting-well/
I hope that you and your family enjoy many happy, healthy days together.
Wow! Powerful post. Glad you were able to face what was going on — with some help.
Good luck!
One of my close family members has been battling depression for 7 years now. I think the realization that medication will be needed for life is probably the hardest part sometimes. But, acceptance is a very big part of getting through it. Depression is very real and it does not mean you lack strength of character–it’s not a weakness, just a chemical imbalance. In fact, in my opinion I would say that you are very strong for facing it and for doing something about it.
Isn’t it amazing how these babies come into the world with such different temperaments and personalities? My 4 kids are all incredibly different from one another. I remember rocking my youngest all night long and tears just streamed down my face out of pure exhaustion and frustration. I swore I’d never even WANT another baby after that. He’s turning 2 this week and I’ve already forgotten how hard it was. Hang in there….when things get unbearable for me I just keep reminding myself—It’s only a phase, this too shall pass.
I think the insulin comparison is a very fair one- some people’s brains don’t necessarily balance out their chemicals correctly. I’m so glad you’ve got a supportive family. Hang in there, and do not be ashamed. Hugs to you.
You make a great analogy with the diabetic. One month in to my latest Rx, I’m feeling much better.
I lived in denial for a while. I know that women get PPD, but I soon realized that men get something similar too. It’s exacerbated by my own history of depression. I could hide the depression by doting on my daughter. Meanwhile, I let the rest of my life fall apart around me.
Please please please, if you are reading this and thinking about getting help for depression, stop thinking and start doing. Talk to a professional ASAP.
I agree with you there is no difference between mental health and physical health. The problem is society has a stygma when it comes to mental illness and we need to break that down. To many people die every year due to lack of care and understanding. Thanks for being so honest.
There’s no shame in needing medication. I’ve got a whole menu full of ‘em, none for depression ’cause I’m not, but for the rest of my life I’ll be taking meds for vasculitis, cholesterol, allergies, nerve pain, and the list goes on. I don’t mind taking them all for the rest of my life because most of them are keeping me alive! We love you, sweetie. Ryan’s a good man. So’s yer mom (heh)
Hey hottie. Meds are great! If it weren’t for Ritalin, I never would have finished reading your post! If not for Vicadin I could not have written mine! And, if not for Viagra I wouldn’t have gone to college for 6 years!!!
See you in a couple weeks, maybe we will try to do a little self-medicating…
I’m so glad that you posted this. My little one is almost 6 months old. I’ve had issues before her, but I’m still having problems.
Your post really hit home. (OK, it made me cry) I’ve been trying a new med, but I don’t think it’s really helping, and I’m really tired of trying new ones. Ok, I’ll admit that I occasionally forget to take it in the morning. But I’m getting to the point of will anything help.
I have to admire your DH for his understanding and his proactiveness in helping you out. My DH would be (and is) completely clueless.
Once again, thank you.
Oh yeah, and you do talk alot. I have ADD so bad I call it AD
Thank you, each and every one of you, for your wonderful comments. I was not expecting so many responses so quicky, and your love and understanding brought me to (happy) tears. Much love-
Julie
[...] of my journey to being healed from postpartum depression after my first baby. When I read a post on TheCoolMomGuide about postpartum depression, I thought I should tell the rest of the story about my road to health, [...]
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Wow, great way to get this very important topic out into the public eye.
[...] of my journey to being healed from postpartum depression after my first baby. When I read a post on TheCoolMomGuide about postpartum depression, I thought I should tell the rest of the story about my road to health, [...]
This one came from the heart. The more people that write about depression, the more the stigma will erode.
Definitely–I’ve been there, both with the PPD and with periodic bouts of depression in general. Nothing to be ashamed of. There’s more of us out there than any of us realize–until we start talking about it!
I am a huge advocate of getting help and not allowing people to sway your feelings regarding depression. I write about it often on my own blog and I also write a blog entitled Mental and Emotional Health where I try to make sure people understand chemical imbalances are as real as diabetes and thyroid disorders.
As a anti-depressant sistah, THANK YOU for sharing your experience on your blog! Depression really does hurt, just like the ads say and it can be so hard, uncomfortable, and cause you to have such feelings of inadequacy and failure when you realize that you will be taking them for, most likely the rest of your life. There is no reason to feel this way and kudos for the love and support of your family!
[...] maloney presents Depression | The Cool Mom Guide posted at The Cool Mom [...]
I was like you and thought depression carried a stigma that I didn’t want to bear. And I thought if I was just strong enough, I could just get over it. But I battled it for years until I finally accepted the fact that I needed help (rather my husband got me help!) God bless your mom for recognizing what you needed!
As far as needing it forever. . . .you may or you may not. When I first went on anti-depressants, I felt better after 6 months. So, he let me wean off of them over a few weeks. About a month later, I had spiraled so far down, I was almost suicidal. I ended up seeking the opinion of a close family friend, who is an MD, and he told me there was NO WAY he would have let me stop taking them after only 6 months, and certainly not cold turkey. (Our whole family ended up switching to him because of this situation.) His approach is to keep a patient on them for at least a year, because the brain needs time to heal, since depression and chronic stress actually fries little circuits in your brain (very untechnical, but you get the picture!)
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stop taking them either. But it’s worth talking to your doctor about the possibility of weaning off them when your children are older.
I’ve just started writing about my battle with depression in my blog, too, because I think it’s important for people to recognize the signs and to know it does NOT indicate personal failure.
Thanks for sharing!