DAD’S GUIDE TO THE BIRTHING PROCESS
When dealing with this fatherhood thing we may as well start at the beginning. Well, not the real beginning (I was told to avoid vulgarities), but the beginning of the crying baby part. Before my baby came out of my wife, we were in the hospital for a while. It was slow going. They let me bring my video game system to the hospital which was much appreciated cause I was bored off my ass. So, a day and a half went by like this, very slow, nothing going on. My baby was not in a hurry to see the light of day. When things really got going, it was very frustrating, because there was nothing I could do to help. The films that they showed us in class were not very helpful because I did not watch them. So, if you are like me in the paying attention department, I will offer up a crash course:
STAY OUT OF THE WAY: The doctors and nurses know what they are doing, and would much appreciate doing it at their pace and convenience. Do not ask dumb questions (in that time and place ALL questions are dumb), and follow any orders you get. There will be some things that the doctor/nurse does that does not make sense to you, but it should not make sense, you are not a doctor.
DO NOT LOOK DOWN: For the love of God and everything that is holy (no pun intended) do not watch the babies arrival. Miraculous? I guess. Pretty cool? Maybe. Beautiful? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I am guessing here because I did not watch a minute of the proceedings below the belt. I have news for you, your wife/girlfriend/neighbor feels uncomfortable enough about what is going on without you down there, so save it for the pros.
After the baby is born, direct your attention there. Get used to the cries, they are all you will hear for the next 6 months or so. You will know when it is time to go back to your wife, but let the proper medical personnel attend to her for the time being. I am not saying act like Michael Jackson and grab the baby, giggling gleefully all the way out the door. Tell your wife she did a good job and such and then assure your child that life will get a little better from here.
That’s all I have for now from here, just thinking back on those glorious few days in the hospital has me longing for a rum and coke…
“Why is it that we rejoice at a wedding and cry at a funeral ? It is because we are not the person involved.” Mark Twain
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I can’t place enough emphasis on the ‘tell your wife she did awesome’ part. Because that just looks like more let’s say… discomfort, than my body can possibly tolerate. I can only imagine it hurts worse than when my Carolina Panthers lost the Superbowl a few years back. I’m sure that’s a close 1-to-1 there, but i might give the lady a slight edge.
I actually know ppl who ask for mirrors – in order to watch….. go figure.