Photo Courtesy of WTFoodge

Fuckin’ monkey.  My monkey can kick that bastards ass.

That’s right.  I have a monkey and he sure as shit isn’t named George and he’s not a total Douche-tard (thank’s dad) like that fucking nightmare who does nothing but show my kids how to be dicks.  They have to have a fucking disclaimer before the show telling kids not to do what he does.  Like a kid listens to that.  Asshats.

THIS is my monkey.  My pillow pet.  I adore him.  I still haven’t named him, I just call him my money.  I like to stroke my monkey.  He’s the only pillow I sleep on now, he’s so good to me.  I haven’t even had to spank my monkey yet.  When the time comes, I’ll be sure to take a pic to put up for Wordless Wednesday so you can watch me spank my monkey.

THIS is a fucking monkey.  Not literally.  I just re-read that line.  My monkey doesn’t bone although my cat has tried to mount him.  My cat has a blanket fetish so I keep my monkey out of reach when he’s not with me.

Meet “help me name him”.  He was a birthday present for me back in April and I simply adore him.  One time, I even took him on a flight with me!

That’s right, you’re looking at MY monkey sitting on my lap in First Class with a glass of wine and a big ol’ smile on his face.  I know my daddy well enough to know he’s going to assume my monkey is sitting next to a cup of pee but alas, I did not pee in that cup.  It wouldn’t taste very good with the wine (unless you saw “Miss March”, where apparently it’s a tasty combo).

One time I took a first class flight and brought my monkey along.  Boy was everyone jealous!  There I was, in jeans and a shirt that had a picture of a crazy person with an axe that said “Come closer, I’m a nice person” and my monkey.  I felt so bad for everyone else on that flight, they were clearly envious of me.  They couldn’t keep their eyes off me!

The passenger seated next to me was especially lucky!  He got to feel my monkey!  He was reluctant at first but I wouldn’t take no for an answer.  I must have asked him if he wanted to touch my monkey five times before I simply insisted he had no choice.  He looked so nervous as he reached out to gently stroke my monkey but I reassured him my monkey loves to be rubbed down and he wouldn’t let him  just graze his fingers across my monkey’s back, I made sure to grab his hand a so he could properly stroke my monkey.

My monkey especially likes to walk through the airport with me.  Like a dog with his head sticking out of the window, my monkey is all smiles when he gets to ride my bag!

Going back to when we first arrived to our gate, it turned out that our flight had a delay!  Oh, my poor monkey!   He was so excited about taking his first plane ride!  We sat around, wandered the halls of the airport and I Tweeted and Facebooked away to pass the time but my poor monkey became very hungry.  I thought I could use a snack too, so I headed over to the vending machine to get us a treat.

Snickers really does satisfy just like it says on the wrapper!  Look at the smile on my monkey’s face!  Oh, happy day, a Snickers!  Since I’m watching my figure (quite literally lately, especially on Facebook), I only ate a little bit of my candy bar.  My monkey was clearly famished – he couldn’t eat it fast enough!  He practically swallowed it whole!

Not only is my monkey the perfect travel companion, he’s also so very thoughtful!  He lets met unfold him so I can rest my head on his belly so I can have myself a little siesta in-flight and he watches out for total strangers to ensure they don’t accidentally fall in the airport!

I am so proud of my monkey.  He’s handsome and sweet, courteous to others and doesn’t mind me resting my head on him at night. I’m a true insomniac – the real deal.  I have to rotate medications monthly because I build a tolerance as the weeks go by so after drugging myself at night to sleep , my monkey keeps that sweet little smile on his face as I press my face into his belly.  Since he prefers to sleep during the day, he spends his nights watching over me and gets his beauty sleep during the day. It’s win-win!

Like me, my monkey is a bit vain and can’t resist a photo op.  I told him it was too dark for a picture outside the Charlotte airport but he just wouldn’t listen.  There’s a beautiful fountain just outside the airport and my monkey really wanted his picture taken.  It’s dark but I can’t resist that smile so of course I took a picture!  Be sure to look closely so you can spot my monkey, he was so happy!

See what I mean?  He’s so hard to see. There he is, just above this sentence.  Do you see my monkey now?  I wanted to get the whole fountain in the picture but then my monkey would disappear completely and no one wants to lose track of their monkey!

So that’s it.  I’m so very happy to share my monkey with you.  Not only does he love me, hold me and keep me company wherever I go, but he’s completely and totally willing to snap Curious Geroge’s neck.  Such a dedicated monkey.  He even said he’d happily take his time before the neck napping finale I can get a few kicks to the face in.  Oh, happy day!

Don’t you ever dare try to take my monkey away from me.  There are other monkeys out there.  There’s a whole zoo available!  You can just Google Pillow Pets and find them for sale in various places.  But don’t you try to fuck with my monkey.  He might be sweet but I bite.