Monday, September 7, 1987

Labor Day

Every year we went to Lambert Park on Labor Day, and I couldn’t think of a better last hurrah before school started again than to spend a whole day at the pool. Lambert always got me excited as a kid, mainly because they had amenities that my Tommy the Turtle pool simply did not, like diving boards. Every year I would stand in line to get on the small diving board and practice doing any number of signature dives including the “can smopener” and the “cannonsmall,” which were basically rip-offs of the “can opener” and “cannonball” only I was doing it so much cleaner than all these other amateurs. One of the girls I knew at school, who was obviously jealous of my steeze, dared me to take it to the next level and perform one of these signature jumps off the high dive. Taking one look at the offending structure, which had to be about 1,000 feet tall in my eyes, I politely declined and said “The high dive is overrated anyway.” I could see her lips curl into a sneer, and her brown eyes flashed at me as she mock-sung, ”Little cat is afraidy! He might as well be a lady!!!!” Unfortunately her derisive tune was infectious, and it wasn’t long before an unholy choir of wet ghouls in one-pieces started singing along. “Little cat is afraidy! He might as well be a lady!!!!” Determined to show them up, I got in line for the high dive, the cacophany still ringing in the background. There was quite a line, and it snaked all the way up the ladder, and as one person took the leap, another one climbed on right behind them. As I ascended the ladder, I noticed the singing stopped. I couldn’t tell if it was because I had reached an altitude that inhibited ground-level noise, or they had finally stopped to concentrate on what I was going to do. I looked down and there had to be about 15 people on the ladder behind me. I couldn’t hear a thing. I caught a glimpse of the brown-eyed girl, her eyes taunting me with a fiendish glint. Finally, the guy behind me headbutted me in the ass, letting me know that my time had arrived. I very gingerly put my feet on the board, and walked a few paces toward the edge. I said to myself, “You’re 9-years-old now. In a couple of months you’ll be double-digits. You have to do it!” But as I looked at the water, it didn’t look at all inviting. It was at once a raging whirlpool and a serene blanket, each of which were equally terrifying. I stared and stared, and thought of the ghouls and their song, and I thought of the embarrassment, and I thought of everything else besides jumping off of that high dive. I COULD NOT DO IT. Ass-Headbutt guy behind me was getting restless. “C’mon dude, just close your eyes and it will be over before you know it.” I closed my eyes, but all I saw was black. I knew if I jumped that was all I would ever see. With an exasperated sigh I realized I had been holding my breath for almost two minutes, and I knew that I wasn’t going to jump. I told Ass-Headbutt to start making his way back down the ladder, because that was the only way I was getting down from there. There was a huge commotion, as all 15 or so people behind Ass-Headbutt had to climb off the ladder so I could make my way down. The ghouls revived their hellish chorus “Little cat is afraidy! He might as well be a lady!!!!” I walked with my head down as everyone laughed and pointed, and as I walked by the ringleader,she flashed her brown eyes at me and said “Looks like the high dive is not the only thing overrated, little cat!!!!” I went and sat on the opposite end of the pool, and stared into the water……

To be continued.....