So the other day I was talking to the best looking individual I’ve ever seen in person about how awesome it is to be both good looking and smart.  I’m hoping it was a reciprocal conversation because I was totally talking about the both of us.

I love my friends.  They’re all beautiful and smart and funny and I’m honored to be in their lives.

I think this confidence I’ve been getting lately is stemming from the ridiculous amount of attention I’m getting from young attractive men.  I’ve always been moderately vain and narcissistic and I’m pretty proud of that because I think we should all embrace our qualities but lately I’ve had men from ages 20 and up taking interest in me and I’m worlds beyond flattered.  I have to watch how I handle things though because it appears as though I have allergies to people.

No shit.

I’m allergic to people who wear cologne.

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I’m a rock star and someone saw this picture and asked if the little line above my jeans was bush (friggin’ perv).  No, it’s my C-section scar.  Dur.  I don’t have a story to write because I just spent nine hours busting ass making a TON of money, raising good cash for the St. Jude Charity drive we have going and getting people hammered.  I love getting people hammered.  I’m SO GOOD at it.  I have no desire to drink.  I get people to drink, I flirt and I get money.  It’s like being a hooker without having to screw anyone.

Anyway, it’s time to get to know me by answering a few random questions I pulled up from somewhere.  Let’s see what I’m made of -

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Holla.

So I haven’t really checked in with you other than to make fun of people and tell you about my future endeavors.   That there above is the Chop Shop.  It seems I’m going there on Wednesdays now.  For those of you who don’t follow me on Twitter or Facebook, it turns out a friend of mine knows someone who takes people naked skydiving.  Holds four world records for it.

I will accomplish the tasks set forth on my “Fuck it list” and I plan on making the dive next spring.

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And if you’re a dude, you’re right.  You’re all fucking gross.  From the time you first erupted from your mothers womb in a pool of blood and feces you have been surrounded by a stink so bad, the blue urinal cake odor is actually considered pleasant smelling compared to the scent you leave behind.

This is not an “I’m about to become a lesbian because I hate men” post.  I love men.  I love lesbians too I just don’t want to be one.  This is seriously about how fucking gross dudes are.  I have two young boys, ages six and three and they are so disgusting I swim in sanitizer after putting them to sleep or leaving the house.  They woke me up at seven Sunday morning by climbing in bed with me and I thought it was super sweet and I had hoped they would stay that way for another three hours until I hear a blast from Jake’s ass and it makes both kids start laughing hysterically sending them into immediate “feed me” mode, because that’s the first thing a man always wants, food.

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I spent dozens of seconds, maybe even minutes trying to remember this guys name.  It’s D’Brickashaw Ferguson, formerly of the NY Jets.  We hung out a few years back during Super Bowl week in Miami because I’m that cool.  I’m so super cool I actually have a bunch of random pictures of me with famous people but hate them so much because my hair was brown and my skin all pale and broken out that day I took a bunch of them and I look hideous so I’m not going to show them all.  That fucking sucks.  I have tons of cool celeb stories though.

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