Let’s move on to the second trimester of your pregnancy.  Well, mine anyway.  Ahh….the blissful second trimester.  It’s exactly where you want to be.  The vomiting has stopped (for me, anyway), I have an abundance of energy and my hair looked amazing. I’m talking great.  It grew long super fast and I decided to dye it brown when I got pregnant (again, I was at like 4 weeks and made sure it was okay) and it was just such a joy to have.

I was petrified of medications.  I had a lot of migraines and pains throughout the entire pregnancy and was convinced that even a single Tylenol would cause a miscarriage and I’d never have the chance to bear another child again.  I did everything I Googled.  Raised legs, homeopathic remedies, tears (Google didn’t say that, but I just added it with this post) – nothing worked. (more…)

Yeah.  You see that smiling face with shining hair?  That face had just hit the fifteen week mark of her – I mean MY – first pregnancy.  You know why I’m smiling?

I JUST STOPPED THROWING UP.’

This is what happens.  You find out your pregnant, life is good.  You feel great.  Then it hits you.  If you find out later on in your pregnancy, it’s usually because it hit you.  With a freight train.

You get sick.

SO EFFIN’ SICK.

Not all of you, I know.  TO those of you with the perfect “I loved my pregnancy”, with all due respect and a gigantic amount of jealousy, bleep bleep bleep and WTF, dude. (more…)

So I was on Facebook the other day (if you add me as a friend please understand I’m a brutal, vulgar Facebooker) and I think I asked for something to write about and one of my closest friends from school suggested that I write about labor, since she’s pregnant with her first child.

Lindz, you’re brilliant. That idea slapped an entire series of stories into my head from my pregnancies. I just realized last night that I’ve never talked about being pregnant or giving birth. Since I have absolutely NO intention (or ability) to EVER have another child again, I just never thought much about it but looking back on my pregnancies I realized I have stories.  Lots of stories.

I was going to write about labor, as suggested, but she’s only at like 20 weeks, so I can start at the beginning.  I’ll get done before she delivers.  I’m starting fresh. I’m too effing funny not to.

If only I knew what the future held...

If you know me, you know my uterus was a piece of shit and I had everything ripped clear out of me recently.  If you don’t know me, that means that I had a full hysterectomy because my uterus was a piece of shit.

Growing up, my uterus messed with me on so many levels, I would have ripped it out myself if I didn’t hold out some hope that I’d bear children, even though I was told by multiple doctors that I never would.

Apparently, they were wrong. (more…)