Hi everyone.  This is Acadia from superficialgallery.com and I am writing this as a favor to my wonderful friend, Julie.  As someone who chooses to not reveal anything about myself on the Internet, the fact that Julie has been so incredibly honest and forthcoming has always and will always baffle me.  She is incredibly honest and like anything else, the more true something is the funnier/more poignant/more effective something is.  People have built in bullshit detectors and while Julie might be lots of complicated things, dishonest is not one of them.

But all of that honesty takes a toll.  The birthing process is always painful, and given the depth and breadth of the trauma Julie has undergone over the past year (all of which she shared here publicly), I am sure that you can understand that she’s kind of tired.  Add to that the fact that the site is costing her more money than it makes.  Then imagine what it would be like to be scared to look at your own pending comments because you are getting trolled by your own mom.  This has been going on for months, and yet she has kept writing until now.

So what’s different now?  Practical things.  The site(s) are bleeding money she doesn’t have.  Her health is for crap and what was previously a source of fulfillment and pride has become a looming wave of stress that she, to be honest, does not need to deal with.  I cannot imagine what it must be like to feel so crappy and still be able to make visitors feel welcome, make casual readers smile and make her useless failure of a mother feel like she had some sort of power by allowing her to leave the shitty comments that she left.  Julie and I spoke about just making it so her mom could not comment at all (would not have been difficult) but Julie said it would be better to let her think she was being effective that way rather than hurt more people by finding another medium.  Grownups should not have to make those kind of decisions but Julie did.

And she knows that not all of the decisions she made were good.  People were hurt by things she said and how she said them and where she said them.  People who deserved to have things related to them in a personal, respectful manner were informed instead in ways that could only be described as horrifically insensitive and completely inappropriate.  Things like that happen when people trick themselves into thinking that being selfish is a virtue.  Julie is no longer tricking herself and will fix the mess she made offline (where it should have been handled anyway).

Now, before you all go thinking that I somehow hacked Julie up, stole her site and have her hidden in one of her beloved stalker vans, I assure you that she is alive and well and you can find her on Facebook.  She is having seizures and needs to fix her finances and needs to get all of the things in real life worked out before she can think about coming back to the site.  And if she does come back to the site, she will need to decide where internet stops and real life starts.  Trying to make them one thing is too hard and it chewed her up.

So like they say…if you love something, umm, I guess go find it on Facebook?  I don’t know.  It’s not like this is a eulogy.  It’s just that the site is going dark.  So go away…go on!

Sorry folks.  Blog’s closed.  Moose out front should’ve told you.

Holy mother of pearl I had the two most fucked up days at work this past weekend.  I was all geeked out and ready to write on Friday afternoon but figured since I wrote in the middle of the night before it’d have wasted that post so I decided to wait until today.  Then NYE happened.  What a mess THAT was.

Let’s start with Friday.  I went in at 11:30 and was asked how I felt about going behind the bar since the bartender was sick. I’m a cocktail waitress.  I’m very comfortable with alcohol and I won’t ever turn my boss down for anything so I got a ten minute crash course in bar tending and then was super excited to do it because I felt like Tom Cruise in “Cocktail” and it was a Friday afternoon so I didn’t expect to be that busy right?

WRONG.

The place was mobbed.  The dining side had a party of 22 come in who ALL drank which never happens on a lunch shift and it’s the bartender’s job to fill those orders but the printer wouldn’t print out what they were and I had a substantial amount of people sitting at the bar so I didn’t have the time to fill every order.  The girls themselves were walking back behind the bar grabbing beers and mixing drinks and we were all Googling how to make certain blended ones we weren’t sure of.  I made a White Russian.   Yay.

One gal took the bar dining side, I had the bar and the other two girls worked the crowded lunch floor by herself.  Even with the bartender on staff it would have been a little hectic but I loved every second of it.  I made decent money and the day flew by.  I’d happily be a daytime bartender from now on but I’ve decided to become a certified trainer so I think I’ll just stick with one upgrade at a time.

Then comes New Year’s Eve.  What a disaster that was.  I went in with the mindset that I’d pull in $300.  Nope.  $84 big ones.  I had a full section, it was just full of people who clearly never go out and obviously don’t know how to party because they had about two beers and left $3 tips.  We were cleared out by 1 and I had a MASSIVE fat super gay guy scream at me then to my boss about me because he was REALLY drunk.

His friend cashed out their check at 12:20 and at 1:10 the big guy ordered another drink so I brought that with the new check with him.  I said it’s NYE and we have to have a credit card on file but since he’d been there already I can have him close it out now or keep it open if he wants to keep drinking.  His friend came in and I said the same thing again.  The big guy didn’t seem to understand that we had already closed the tab out.  His friend did.  He said please close it again, he’s done drinking so that’s what I did.  Holy hell you should have seen the receipt.  I’d have taken a picture of it if the handwriting was readable and it didn’t have my work name on it.  He wrote how terrible I was as a server and how I will destroy that company if I don’t get fired then he yelled at my boss about me for a solid 20 minutes and I almost cried because I was already on the verge of tears having had no one to kiss at midnight that I just decided to be in a shit mood for the rest of the night.

After the big guy left we all followed my boss into the back to explain what we saw him to to me and my boss actually paused to wash his face with soap because he said that guy spit all over him.  Ew.  He knew I wasn’t at fault, admitted the guy was just hammered and only teased me about it for the rest of the night but that guy killed my New Year’s Eve party.  None of us made money because all you broke-ass people stayed at home and I didn’t get my real New Year’s celebration until I happily found a pair of Pillow Pet slippers that fit me at Walmart at 5am.

So that was my work weekend in a nutshell.  How was yours?

That was from last Christmas Eve Eve.  When I first discovered the bounty and glory that is the Pillow Pet.  I don’t have them all but I do have a whole hell of a lot of them and today I’m going to talk about their names and where they came from.  There is a key person involved in all of my Pillow Pet shenanigans who not only doesn’t like to be talked about but he also doesn’t like being talked to for those of you who insist on reading my blog and then go running to said individual.  If he wanted to know what I was saying he’d read this himself.  That being said, through many trials and tribulations I have my friend back and I call him You because I think that’s hilarious.

Anyway, You and I went out last Christmas Eve Eve and I discovered this brand new world of owning a zoo that converts into a pillow.  My first pet was a Monkey.  I call him Monkey simply because I wanted to talk about spanking him.  On Christmas Eve Eve of last year You bought me Ted, named in honor of my late step-father and my friends late father (they have the exact same name, it’s creepy).

Sometime later on I bought a ladybug.  I can’t remember when but I know it was from Walmart and I honestly wasn’t ever too fond of her.  Named her Willow in honor of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  I ended up giving her to my son Joshua because her antennae bugged the shit out of me (no pun intended).  My son Jake was so jealous I bought him a dog and a penguin that he named Julie and Courtney (totally makes sense, we belong together) and recently I bought myself a mini-monkey I named Blue because my friend You makes “Blue’s Clues” noises and it inspired the name.  Blue is solely designed for travel.  It was too hard to take Monkey everywhere but Blue fits into any bag and is a perfect travel pillow.

When I took my trip with You to Galveston for my Carnival cruise promotion, You thought it was only fitting that he get his own pet (I confiscated it eventually) and he named him Red because it’s another color and it rhymes with Ted.   The two had a great time on the ship and I got an adorable post out of it that I don’t need to link to because you’re all very loyal and you’ve likely read it.

Then comes Balls.  OH MY GOD YOU I FUCKING LOVE YOU.

Balls is a pet that can be zipped up in pillow form or unzipped to become a blanket.  I love balls.  I can fit Blue right in him and travel with my Blue and Balls.  If you put all three together I now have Monkey Blue Balls so that right there is your reason why he got that name.  Balls is grand.  I don’t like when my knees touch when I sleep so instead of bunching all the blankets up like I normally do, I just put Balls between my legs and I have the perfect amount of comfort.  He’s silky and smooth and my Balls wraps perfectly around me.  I love playing with Balls.  I dance with him and like the way he feels so much I always find myself rubbing Balls against my face.

This Christmas Eve Eve You also bought be my new bear Bosco.  You named Bosco dating all the way back to the days he worked at a theme park and he lured people to come play games using different bears, all he named Bosco.  That’s the gist of the story anyway, I was manic as fuck when he told me and since he doesn’t read me I can admit that I was only half paying attention because I was wondering if my blood pressure was going to land me in the hospital.

Finally we have Bessie.  She’s my mini-cow.  I didn’t even want to get another one.  We walked into Walgreens and You grabbed her and made mewing noises with her and told me how bad she wanted to come home with me because someone was going to kill and eat her and it reminded me of my days growing up on the farm (yes, I grew up on a farm and no, I was not good at it) and I had a cow I favored that I named Bessie because that’s what I felt a cow should be named.  One day during dinner I distinctly remember saying “Where’s Bessie?” and I don’t know if it’s true or not but the devil said “You’re eating her” and that prompted me to stop eating all meat until I was twenty.  To this day I’ll only eat bacon, burgers, tacos and meatloaf.  I won’t go near a  steak.

I just bought my kids four Pillow Pets but they were pre-named.  Mader, SpongeBob, Mickey Mouse and Sir Purr from the Carolina Panthers.  What they don’t know is that You bought each one their own blanket pets, a dog for Jake and a monkey for Josh so I’m very excited to see what they name them when You gives them their Christmas gifts next time we hang out.  I’m willing to bet one of them is named Bob, but that’s just a hunch.

So that’s it!  I’m sure you were all just dying to know the history of my pets and the origin of their names.  Each one is super special to me and while I don’t think I can have enough of them, it’s gotten to the point where I only want You buying them for me because it’s becoming a tradition.  I suppose I can’t get pissy with him again if I want to increase my collection.  Forgive and forget right?  That’s what friends are for!

I’m not even ready to talk Christmas yet, I have to tell you about Christmas Eve Eve first!  Oh, the most glorious of holidays!  It’s my favorite day of the year.  The tradition started last year (I wrote about it then too but I’m not digging for it) and it leaves room for adjustment but the basic premise is shopping.  The three places that are open and therefore will always be hit are Walmart, Toys R Us and CVS where I get my blood pressure taken.

Last year I got an early start so I added in Target and some other retailers but this year I went balls.  I hit karaoke Friday night and sang my Christmas Eve Eve song, “Baby It’s Cold Outside” with a friend of mine I was furious with before but now am cool with so you can stop talking shit about it and after the show I went to Walmart where I saw THIS parked in the parking lot -

I KNOW! A GREEN STALKER VAN! I saw that on my way in but was told I couldn’t get my picture taken with it until after we finished shopping there so you can’t imagine the manic glee that was emanating off of me when I saw it there over two hours after going in the store.

I should probably back up a minute and tell you about the picture at the top of the page.  I’m not sure if you’re aware of my Pillow Pet obsession but unless this is your first time reading me you should know by now that those plush bundles of love give me the ability to nap without Xanax.  Those cute little fuckers are all over the place.  My dog Ted was bought for me last year and I took him with me this year for his one year birthday out to see the same old sights from before.  Before this night I had a Monkey named Monkey and a Dog named Ted.  I also had a mini-monkey I call Blue and a mini-dog named Red.  Much to my surprise I come to find out there are Pillow Pet BLANKETS?! I got a monkey one for Christmas!  You can zip it up into a pillow or unfold it into a blanket.  I have an entire post I will be dedicating to my Monkey family but I’ll tell you know the blanket is named Balls so you can pretty much guess what I plan on doing with my story.

This tradition is carried out alongside my friend who doesn’t like any kind of publicity whatsoever but I have to make note that SOMEONE came with me or else all the pictures would be awkward to explain.  I’ll call this person “You”.

Okay so You and I sing karaoke then go to Walmart.  You gave me my blanket right before the trip over so I was pretty fucking manic at that point.  What You and I do when we get to Walmart is finish up our holiday shopping.  We also buy each other our Christmas gifts.  We each get to pick one thing out and we buy it for each other.  I got myself a new Pillow Pet!  WOW!  He’s a bear You named Bosco.  The naming of the Pet is always a big deal and there is much importance to each name. You got a CD.

We walked around Walmart and got our gifts then went outside and I got to get my picture taken with that green van.  More manic.  Then we headed on over to Toys R Us where just like last year we didn’t find shit to buy.  Following that we made our yearly jaunt over to CVS where we both found out we had high blood pressure.  Last year mine soared into the 200′s but this year it was like 147/98 or something close to it.  Stage 1 hypertension.  Yep.  I was manic! I seriously should have gone to en ER last year now that I’m thinking about it.

We got started so late it was 6:30 when we left CVS so we decided to swing on over to the Walgreens that was just opening it’s doors and much to my surprise and added mania I found my new mini-cow Bessie!  She’s ADORABLE.

Just as we left Walgreens I glanced through a parking lot and saw THIS -

A RED STALKER VAN!

It’s like Santa wanted me to know he loves me!  I got to see a red and a green stalker van and if you notice behind the van you’ll see it’s parked next to a white one.  There were actually three white ones I just couldn’t get a good picture of me with Ted and Bosco all together.

Since it was already nearing 8:00 we decided to take it to the mall.  We went shopping and I bought myself the most badass tee ever.  I’m wearing it out Wednesday and I’ll take a picture and I’ll post it on Facebook.  It’s awesome and I’m going to look SO HOT in it.

Basically that was about it.  We hit every store in the mall and I didn’t get into my bed until noon.  I slept clear through Christmas Eve into the night until I had my AA meeting and then I woke up at 7 on Sunday and did the whole Christmas thing.  I’ll toss that into tomorrow’s post.  Nothing near as exciting as my blood pressure skyrocketing from a manic episode due to an overabundance of Pillow Pets and stalker vans!  What more could a girl ask for?

Oh.  Socks.  I haven’t gotten socks from anyone yet.

I was bitching a while back about not having anything to write about and someone suggested that I write about the holidays and I couldn’t for the life of me think of a solid holiday story.  Then I remembered the trip.  Oh, what a trip it was!  I tripped through the whole thing.  In every way possible.

It goes back to when I was roughly seventeen.  My then boyfriend (turned ex-husband) was in PA visiting his father and I was super duper sad and lonely so I asked a relative of mine to go on a road trip with me.  I ended up getting my mother’s permission to make the five hour drive to Connecticut to visit my grandparents and off we went.

I don’t remember the drive there.

I do, however, remember the car we drove – mine.  It was a white four-door 1986 Honda Accord and it had to have oil added to it every so many miles or it stalled out.  I had dozens of empty cans in my trunk.  I can’t count how many times we stopped during the trip up, mainly because I don’t remember it.

What I do remember was getting to Grandma’s.  I MISS THAT WOMAN.  Grandpa too.  Those are some funny people.  I’ve been meaning to tell Grandma stories.  Have I yet?  I might tell more.

So we get to Grandma’s and we settle in and then my relative hands me a handful of mushrooms.  Yep.  I had never had them ever before.  I’d drank and I’d smoked pot but I never tripped before.  I did for my first time. AT MY GRANDMA’S HOUSE.

She had a blue carpet and a couch with a red cover on it.  I remember sitting there thinking I was on a boat.  I know I was swaying because I had to stop myself from making swooshing noises.  Then I decided I had to talk to Casey so I went in the den to use the phone and I freaked out because I didn’t realize they had one of those giant button phones.  I thought my hands shrank.  I pretty much used my fist to pound out each number and tried but failed to get a hold of him.  If I did I don’t remember.

My next memory is of me walking out of the den to find Grandma at the organ with my relative and he said “Hey Julie!  I taught Grandma how to play ‘Iron Man’!”

I shit you not that had to be one of the most traumatizing moments of my entire life.  Grandma rocked out some Ozzy on her organ tongue out and all.  You see, Grandma was batshit crazy.  One of the funniest women I’ve ever met.  I lost her a few years later and of all the trips (heh) I ever took, that one probably holds the most value.  It seemed like so much shit happened those two nights (?) we were there.  I remember Grandma making Grandpa take out his teeth, that freaked me out.  I also remember going to so see “Junior” which REALLY freaked me out, especially since I was tripping face.

Then comes the ride home.  I was young and dumb and therefore still tripping and smoking pot.  I was also young and dumb enough to not stock up on oil when I was getting all the snacks I would need at the gas station.  I have no idea where we were but I know it was the middle of nowhere, cell phones didn’t exist and it was in a blizzard.  My car was dead.  We were literally rocking back and forth hoping we could propel the car until it got to a gas station.  We wanted help but not really because our pupils were the size of golf balls but it was so fucking cold out we had no idea what to do.

Then my relative came up with a plan.  It was a plan that actually worked.  We gathered every empty oil can I had in my car (sometimes not cleaning your car can be a benefit) and we sat there and poured out the last drops of oil from each bottle into one bottle to get enough to make it to the next rest area.  Since we were tripping it both took forever but also went really fast.  I know it had to be a while because we could see our breath in the car.  Then came for the putting the oil in the car.  Fuck no, I wasn’t going out in that blizzard.  If I did I don’t remember it which is fine by me.

We got just enough in there to make it to the next exit and we literally stalled out just as we were pulling in.  I freaked out for a second because I didn’t have any money (stoner) but then remembered my ma gave me her credit card so to our great pleasure we picked up like twenty gallons of oil, some Munchos and Nestea and were back on our way home to Syracuse.

That was one of my fondest Christmas memories.  I have another one I’ll tell tomorrow that just came to me.  I wasn’t tripping this time.  Someone else was though!