Bye Bye Beer
“My name is Julie and I’m an alcoholic.”
I said that for the first time ever (and meant it seriously) at about 10:30 Wednesday night. It felt weird but it needed to happen. Here’s why -
I’m a bipolar insomniac with an anxiety disorder and immunodeficeny. I get allergy shots twice a week, see a therapist once a week, get plasma infused in me every three weeks and see a psychiatrist once a month.
I should not be drinking but I want to. I drink and I self-destruct and wake up miserable and sick and depressed. I can’t do that anymore.
I’ve talked about it numerous times with my therapist and I’ve been wanting to stop drinking for quite some time – I even managed to quit entirely for about two months until my birthday came along and I plowed right back into it. My therapist likes to say I’m allergic to alcohol.
With my insomnia I get put on a medication and it’ll work but then gradually stop working to the point where today my shrink actually leaned back in his chair and rubbed his face as he sighed. We’ve tried everything. I’m about to try something new and it’s super scary.
I already take estrogen for my hysterectomy and I take bipolar meds twice daily and as long as I take them I’m good there. The only times I fuck up and forget happen on a night I’m drunk and then I cycle for about ten days until my blood regulates. At night it’s different. If I’m not properly medicated I’ll just be awake. My body will ache and I’ll be sick as shit but my mind won’t shut down. Ever. When I was pregnant it was a nightmare. Days upon days of me crying in bed or on the couch begging for sleep. I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember and I started drinking in the sixth grade to help me at night. Then I started smoking pot. Then I started dropping acid and I didn’t care that I was awake.
I’m not going into details of what I take because I honestly don’t know by memory and I’m not getting out of bed to look. What I can tell you is that I’m about to start a potential four step process in my quest for rest.
To start I’m to take two of these pills that dissolve and make my mouth numb for about ten minutes. If that doesn’t put me to sleep I’m to take those two pills and add another different pill. If I’m still awake I’m to take the two pills, the new pill and add one new pill to that cocktail. If none of those work I’m to take the two pills, the new pill and two of the other new pills. If THAT doesn’t work I’m to take all of those and a Xanax.
I can’t drink anymore.
Both my shrink and my therapist said the problem with this is that we’re not sure I’ll wake up. We want me to sleep but not so deep that I’m groggy and if I’m tossing booze in the mix we know for sure I’m not going to be rolling out of bed unless it’s in a body bag. I absolutely can not have another drink again.
Thinking about the fact that I’m only 34 and there are going to be countless celebrations ahead of me I had a panic attack during therapy. She told me to calm down and I said I have no idea how I could possibly go that long. I have no problems working at a bar and serving alcohol and I go out and drink water plenty bet every now and then I want to party and I can no longer do that.
I was told I need to go to AA. So I did. It was awesome.
I got a white chip and everyone clapped. I told them my story and I was told that I can’t look into the future, I have to take it one day at a time and if I go out and feel a need to drink I have to leave and go home. I have to have friends that will support me (they all agree me living works for them) and I have to go to meetings where I’m told I will find clarity and ways to be who I am at my core without needing substances to enhance it.
I feel different. I’m proud of myself and I’m slightly scared. I don’t feel like an alcoholic but I feel that I need that kind of support to get me through the rest of my life so I must be one. I know I black out sometimes and I know I’ve hurt people so maybe I truly am. My therapist says I am (she knows me better than I do) and my drinking concerns her. I trust her and need her and I’m truly afraid for my life and that’s wonderful. Being bipolar being scared for my life is a good thing because there are days I just don’t care. I’m told going to AA will reduce those days because they typically happen the day after I’ve been drinking.
Hmm…that’s it. I’ll keep you posted as always and I’ll probably lean on all of you by writing my feelings out here. I’m starting a new journey in my life and September 7, 2011 marks the first day of my sobriety.
My name is Julie and I’m an alcoholic.
22 Comments
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Next project: your youngest big brother. He’s not an alcoholic, he’s a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings
Julie Maloney Reply:
September 8th, 2011 at 5:10 pm
I know. I was thinking that same thing myself.
Math Teacher: I have 4 bottles in one hand, and 3 bottles in another – what do I have?
Student: A drinking problem.
Sorry to hear about the alcohol and everything
at least you are taking steps to get through that. It is always best to have a support system 
good luck!
Good luck. One day at a time works.
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My Dad is an alcoholic. Yep. My whole life with him drinking, hiding drinks, drinking and driving, drinking while on pain killers… But he stopped drinking in May 2010 and has been sober ever since. It has been over a year now, obviously, and I am now 30 years old and am building a relationship with my Dad and am so proud of him for all he is accomplishing. He and my Mom get along much better now, they do things together. He remembers things. I trust him with my kids and I love that he is being so strong. It is not easy and I know he struggles even now. But I want him to live and he is living now, I have a Dad now. This is good for your kids and I am proud of you.
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Julie Maloney Reply:
September 8th, 2011 at 5:10 pm
Thank you so very much. I’m looking forward to my new life and I’m REALLY hoping I don’t get too stressed out.
That’s awesome, that you are taking that step. I know that you’ll be scared, but you will survive this. Your boys and your family need you. I’m proud of you for taking that first step!
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Julie Maloney Reply:
September 8th, 2011 at 5:09 pm
I can’t believe the amount of support I’m getting from everyone, especially on this post! It’s days like this I’m proud to be a blogger.
Way to go! I’m impressed that you’ve taken this step. Still think I married you sometimes. :p
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Julie Maloney Reply:
September 8th, 2011 at 5:08 pm
I can be your trophy wife
Good job Julie. You have taken a step in your life that you will never regret. I use to wake up in the morning and see if my car is outside.If I got drunk, most of the time I didn’t remember anything. I am also BiPolar. My life has changed for the better since not drinking. We can’t lose you. You are way too sexy for that.LOL
Good Luck.
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Julie Maloney Reply:
September 8th, 2011 at 5:07 pm
Ha. Thanks. Especially for that last part
Julie I’m so proud of you! I’m sure it was a tough choice. I’m from a family of alcoholics and I was real close to a downward spiral when my husband and I got pregnant 8 years ago. It was the beat thing that ever happened to me! I still drink now and then, but either being pregnant or nursing for years has kept alcohol at bay for me. Congrats!
Julie Maloney Reply:
September 8th, 2011 at 5:07 pm
Thank you, I really appreciate it. I’m sure I’ll be leaning on everyone for help. I know I’ll need it.
My sister just passed her 6 year with NA. Way cool girl!
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Julie – I only know you through this blog but I think you are amazing for realizing something has to change and having the courage to make the change.
One day, one decision at a time isn’t a bad thing – if it means you are here to make those decisions, then I’d say it’s a good thing.
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Julie Maloney Reply:
September 8th, 2011 at 5:35 pm
Thanks Sam. I really appreciate that.
Addiction of any kind is not easy but I know if you set your mind to it you can do those. It’s about beating the addiciton & as you said yourself, it’s one day at a time. Your in my thoughts and prayers. Keep us posted!
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You my dear are a strong woman. I know you can do this, and I’m proud of you for taking the first step. I like having you around, ya know?
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Way to go, girl! Here’s supporting your decision to be sober and healthy:-)
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I am so late visiting and finding out your news. Wishing you all the luck and continued best wishes for a long and happy sobriety. {{{hugs}}}
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