Mr. Linky, you’re killing me.

I’m getting to where I actually PLAN my Random Tuesday Thoughts, created by the beautiful and brilliant Keely from  The Un Mom.

I am completely against animal cruelty but have an overwhelming urge to kick my dog in the ass if he doesn’t stop barking at the invisible squirrel in my back yard.

I want to show you the picture of satisfaction.  We drove 40 minutes to the closest Friendly’s Restaurant, the greatest place on earth (followed by Denny’s-I’m not hard to please).  I was shocked to see that they’re both on Twitter, which is hilarious and awesome at the same time.  Finding Denny’s on Twitter got me a $5 off coupon for Sunday’s French Slam craving and finding Friendly’s simply gave me a massive and immediate need for Grilled Chee, so we went there Monday.  I know people are freaking out everywhere about companies sponsoring Mom Bloggers but I think BOTH of these restaurants need to fight for me and give me some free shit.  I promote them constantly anyway, may as well get a Fribble and a Grand Slam out of the deal.  I’m just sayin’.

Tell me that doesn’t look like one satisfied baby.  Josh, with his awesome 90′s Bon Jovi hair, was clean when we arrived yesterday.  He was also about 5 pounds lighter.  That’s the satisfied grin of a one year old who just housed some chicken tenders, fries and a happy ending.  I’m talking Sundae, not that special massage you get in China Town.   Sickos.

Following that tasty treat, we decide to get the kids to burn some calories at the Mall play area.  I’m not sure why I insist on going.  There is always some douchey kid out to get one of my children.  The other day, a little girl was insistent on trying to get her bare feet to step on that chunky face you see above, while another kid kept yelling for him to “Step off”.  Josh is just learning to step, period.  Who tells a one year old to step off?  That little d-bag, that’s who.

I can not for the life of me find where that smell is coming from.  I think it’s the smell of having 2 sons.

So there they are, Jake and Josh.  Cute as can be.  I took that picture shortly after arriving at the play area yesterday.  We actually turned Josh’s shirt inside out, thinking it’d be classier than leaving the Friendly’s dominated stained side showing, because we put the ASS in class. 

I mean, look at them!  They’re freakin’ cute, right?  I’m so glad I captured that moment, because mere minutes later my world came to a crashing hault as I watched my four year old Jake collide face-first into an oncoming child.  There was no way to avoid it, they were each coming around a blind spot.  My hubs had the baby in the car changing his diaper (I’m not a fan of mall bathrooms, I opt for the car when I can) and all of the sudden BAM!

I’m already up and running but it feels like I’m stuck in 4 feet of mud, because I can’t get to my son in time.  He screams as blood starts pouring from his nose.  In all of his four years, I’ve never seen this kid bleed.  He zipped his dingus in his zipper once and I had to do the quick unzip to get it out of there (VOMIT) and even that didn’t bleed.

…I would like to take a breif moment to thank the makers of Pfizer for making the Xanex I took when I got home from the mall to stop the shaking and crying.  Jake got over the nose bleed in about 10 minutes, it took me about 4 hours…

I’ve NEVER seen my kid bleed.  He’s bruised and bashed before but never bled.

I don’t even know what the other kid looked like.  I grabbed our gear and swept Jake up into my arms.  I glanced briefly at the mother of the other kid to make sure she was taking care of her and I hauled-ass out of there.

I almost went to the bathroom, but the hubs was outside and I didn’t want him to return to hear we ran off in a bloody heap, so I headed for the car.  Jake’s screaming and we’re both covered in blood and I’m pushing his sock up to his nose because I didn’t know what else to do as I run out into the mall parking lot yelling for Ryan to help.

GOOD JOB, RYAN.

You rocked my socks off.  You took one look at the bloody mess that was your wife and said “Get the baby” as you grabbed Jake from my shaking arms.   We immediately put both kids in their car seats and you jammed yourself in the 4 inch space between their seats of our Hyundai so that you could calm Jake down and stop the bleeding during the ride home.

I cried silently as I drove (I didn’t want Jake to see me freaked out) and within minutes, we were home and clean with Jake playing outside on his scooter like it never happened.  I was still shaking and therefore immediately turned to Xanex (thanks again, Pfizer) and Twitter for support.

I woke up this morning expecting 2 black eyes and a swollen nose, but he’s just stuffy and bored.  It’s raining and we’re without a car, so it’ll be a big day of Boom Blox and Guitar Hero to pass the time.

I think I might bake something or do laundry.  Weird.

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