Because I make a lot of people really uncomfortable when I tell them the same things I tell you.

Woo-eee!

You should see the looks I get when I start running my mouth.  It actually inspires me to take it a step further and really amp up the conversation.

Person: “Hi! Nice to meet you, attractive woman.  What do you do for a living?”

Me: “I’m a blogger.  I like to say writer because the word ‘blogger’ makes is sound like I’m vomiting on my screen.”

Person: “OH!  That’s great!  What kind of things do you blog about?”

Me: “Me”

Person: “Oh, you?  What kind of things about you?”

Heh.  This is where I have a good time.  I used to be vague and general and mention the Wii Mommies to sound cool but I don’t feel like sounding cool anymore because it’s a ton to explain the various things I do so I’ve just started to tell people all about me.  It’s loads of fun.  I can tell some people are super into it and I give them my business card, which lists both websites.  The rest suddenly need to “Go to the bathroom” and they don’t return to the seat they were previously in.  Those are the people I like to keep all my focus on for the rest of the evening.  I make sure I put my crazy face on (super big smile) and have myself a jolly old time.

What do I say, you ask?

WELL.

“Like I just said, I write about me.  I love to pee in the shower.  Do you like to pee in the shower?  EVERYONE pees in the shower.  Let’s ask that guy – ‘Hey! Do you pee in the shower? See?  Told you so!’  It saves so much time and energy.  Goes back to when we were kids and we did that whole ‘Hand in the bowl of warm water trick at sleepovers’.  You can tell if you’re dehydrated or if you’ve taken your vitamins and whatnot.  There’ve been times I’ve turned the water off and then realized I had to pee so I’ve turned it back on.  Have you ever done that?  No?  You’re lying.

Anyway, I’m also really into stalker vans.  You should friend me on Facebook.  I’ve got over 85 pictures of stalker vans.  I’m not kidding!  We need to be more aware of these things!  You can’t just say I was kidnapped by a nondescript white stalker van because those don’t exist!  I know you might be thinking to yourself that a white van is totally obvious these days but now that I’ve told you this you wait – you’re going to notice them everywhere and you’re going to think of me.  If for some reason someone near and dear to you should go missing in one, you can come to the bar and ask the bartenders about the girl with the stalker van folder.  They know who I am.  In it, there are dozen of various types of vans for you to choose from.  In fact, the very same van could be one of my pictures!  Imagine that!

Let’s see…what else do I blog about.

Um, for a while there I had the hardest time pooping.  That was all I talked about for a MONTH.  No shit – heh.  Get it?  No shit? Ha!  I’m hilarious *Pause for sigh*.  Yeah.  I had a full hysterectomy the day Michael Jackson died and from that got pneumonia that is still fucking with me but somewhere down the line I can’t remember exactly what caused it – must’ve been some medication or something – but I could not drop a D for the longest time.  Ask Facebook, they remember.  I tell Facebook everything.   You should check out my review about Poo-Pourri.  You can spray it in the bowl pre-deuce and your shit will smell lemony fresh.

Oh, I just reminded you you have to go to the bathroom?  Do you need to borrow my Poo-Pourri?  No?  You’re good?  Okay then, I’ll just talk to you in a bit.  Super!”

I’m not making this up.  I seriously do say this to people.  I know I have some friends who are reading this right now laughing because they may have overheard me talking to people.  Yesterday driving home I was thinking about my blogging and wondering about my readership.  That’s when it hit me.  First of all, I don’t have the reach I need to communicate effectively if I’m simply hanging out in a bar or a grocery store.  I’m a MUCH better writer than talker because I go off on tangents and I prefer thousands of readers as opposed to a dozen or so actual people.  I know my grammar sucks, but we’ll just have to deal with that until I finish my book and get my editor on top of that.  She’s very excited to correct all of my mistakes.  But I realized that a lot of people are being directed to this blog from followers who think I’m awesome (I am) and because of that they might look at their friend in a whole new light for doing so.

This blog isn’t for everyone, just like my public speaking can turn someone off.  Granted, I like to spout off those little facts about me to those who are clearly not interested in buying me a beer but still, with my blog these new readers can take one look at what I have to say, realize that I’m some kind of abomination (I’ve been into that word lately.  I might use it more) and they’ll do one of two things -

1. X out this page after their eyes stop bleeding, never to return
2. Tell the friend that recommended they read this blog that it’s an abomination (see?) and they’ll just pretend they’re never going to read me again but they will anyway simply because they love to hate me or they secretly vicariously live through me.

I vote #2 because as of late I’ve been getting quite a few emails inquiring about my personal life due to my unveiling of the big bang that’s rippling through my world.  PLEASE just leave that it as is.  I told you what’s up, there’s no need for details.  Neither party minds me mentioning my separation, we mind being asked if A) We’re okay (we are) and B) What the heck happened (that’s between us, I talk about me in detail, not other people).  I’m one of the parties involved (I love parties) and I once again apologize for informing you of this info via my blog but I had NO IDEA you read it and at least you heard it first person as opposed to some third party who may have been misinformed for some reason or another.

Anywho.  Enough about me – HAHAHAHAHA.  *sigh*

There will never be enough about me.  That’s why you keep coming back!

YAY!

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