Dec
12
2011

Bitch, Bitch, Bitch

Okay, now my computer will feel the wrath of my fury.  I was HALF WAY through what I’m officially going to say is the greatest piece of work I’ve ever written when my computer crashed and I lost every word so now you’ll never be able to dispute that theory.

Couldn’t have happened on a worse day.

I’ve been forced to give up caffeine.

I want to murder an insignificant planet.

I’ve been getting these damn tremors I told you about last week.  I’ve been getting them for a long time but for the past two weeks (maybe more) they’ve been getting stronger (like in my jaw) and twice now I’ve been told it’s happened while I sleep (One night, two times during the night thank you Courtney I love you).  Last week when it happened I was completely paralyzed for like five minutes and now I have to get an MRI done this week.  BULLSHIT-SKI’S (that’s how Polish people call ‘Bullshit’).

So to rule out all possible suspects, Julie officially has to give up the good stuff.  I haven’t had a drink in 95 days, I don’t smoke at all and now caffeine.  No more lattes, no cappuccinos.  I don’t care about soda but there’s a wild rumor I have to bail on chocolate and if that’s the case my doctor better be glad she doesn’t have a dick because I would kick her right in it.  That’s right.  Square in the dick.

How much is in chocolate anyway?  I mean, I drank A LOT of coffee so I’m going to assume that’s it right there.  The timing of these tremors doesn’t make sense but if it’s at all caused by the liver the only thing left that could do damage is coffee.

FUCK MY LIFE I AM SO BORING.

Thank God I’m awesome.

Ugh.  Seriously awesome.

You should have seen this drunk chick at the bar last night.  She was rubbing up on guys and I’m fairly sure everyone caught herpes just by being in her general area.  Someone fell dancing, I can’t say who but from what I got cleaning up the bar after everyone left it was a woman because I found two rings and a Chuck-E-Cheese token so this must have been one crazy mama needing a night out on the town.

I hate word counts.  It looms at the bottom of my screen and I feel way too much pressure to talk to you a substantial amount lest you be disappointed with the words flowing from my fingers to this page.

So yeah. I am planning on being a raging bitch for the next week or two while I detox.  I’ve never had to detox from anything before.  I didn’t even start drinking coffee til I quit drinking and I never drank enough to have anything to detox off of.  Thank God for Xanax.  Shit.

I actually threw a fit the other day.  I was with Court at a dance club and I was so annoyed by the lack of attention I thought I deserved that I started jumping around and stomped my feet and basically said “Argh” like I pirate because I like to talk like a pirate at least once a day (I think I’d pick pirate over ninja but we can talk about that another day.  Ninja’s are too quiet for my taste).

I told her I’m sick of dudes in general because I don’t really get what I want from anyone anywhere ever because I have SUPER high standards and I’m WICKED high maintenance what with the me almost dying all the time.  I said I’m going to give up and invest in some nine volt batteries or something.

Okay, I’m useless.  Fucking useless.  You laughed at some of this, yes?  Of course you did.  You don’t need all these WORDS to make your day.  You just need a dash of me.  I’m going to keep saying that to myself as I hit publish and go take a nap before work.

I LOVE YOU!!!

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Written by Julie Maloney in: Adventures

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