You see that? Yeah, I know you do. It wasn’t taken in the morning and it sure as shit wasn’t 20 damn degrees outside. Fuck no. It was the middle of a beautiful day in July. I was at the pool, ice melting off my beautifully tan, flat belly even though I drank as much beer as I wanted. I did my Wii Fit yoga every day and I swam in the pool for hours while my kids were at camp and my life was amazing.
I did all my writing at night or blasted it out when the sun came up. Even though I do hate mornings, there were some when I would take my computer outside and I’d write as I felt the sun come up.
No. NO. It’s fucking COLD outside. I live the the fucking SOUTH and I’m looking at Upstate New York conditions right now. It’s cold. There’s that nasty frozen show all over the place, mixed with dirt and shit and my lawn is destroyed and my car needs to be washed. We’re totally not prepared for this so my children have been home from school the ENTIRE WEEK. When I lived in Syracuse we all used to sit around the radio listening for school closings. I remember the “Storm of the Century” when we got about six feet in one day. We STILL had to go to school. Our bus got stuck in snow and we had to walk the rest of the way. Here? They cancel it the day before because there might be a spot of ice at a bus stop.
I HATE WINTER!
I WANT TO KICK MORNINGS IN THE BALLS!
The sun rises, I set. I drag. I’m exhausted and miserable and bitchy. I come in, turn my computer on and stare at it. I pull my websites up and clear out my emails and I go to Facebook and look around. I know we all blog for fun but this is my job. I’m a writer. I don’t like to vomit on my page, I like to construct something decent for you to read, even if it’s about me grabbing Old Man Winter by the hair and smashing his face into my knee. I have to get a general idea of what I’m going to be doing for us all here, people.
I fucking hate days like this. Am I funny? Probably. I can’t help it. My bitching makes people giggle. I can’t actually be mean to people and I don’t like to bitch in a bitchy way out loud so I’m going to scream it from my blog because I can.
In my mind Old Man Winter is some fat snide douchebag and his life partner is a flighty, misty queen and they’re both laughing at us. Together they live in perfect harmony, destroying all that is good in this world like warmth and evenings. In the summer, mornings takes it easier on us when Old Man Winter goes to torture the other side of the world but it’s still MORNING. We’re still tired and it’s still a bitch.
A damn dirty skanky bitch who pulls us out of bed just when we don’t think we could be any more comfortable and we know we have to turn that stupid fucking alarm off but the covers are perfect and what’s another minute? Another minute is you getting a phone call asking where the fuck you are it’s been three hours and you jump up out of bed and you’re brushing your teeth while you pee, trying to spit the toothpaste between your legs because that pee is taking forever and you want to see if you can make it without getting it all over you. You don’t. There’s spit and toothpaste on your thighs. You shrug. Oh, well. There’s been worse there.
You have to rush to get ready, feeling like you forgot something (you did) and your heart is pounding and you’re exhausted but on a mission. You run out to your car and it’s FUCKING FROZEN. At least if it was the summer you’d be greeted with that fresh crisp morning air (the only thing tolerable about that bitch) but in the winter? Noooo….you have to be greeted by a biting chilll that coats your entire car. Not in a way you can brush or scrape off , either. Your car windows are just glazed over enough that it only goes away when the car is warmed up. But you don’t have time to warm the car up so you start blasting your windshield wiper fluid on it every 10 seconds to clear away the frost only to watch as it builds back up again.
STUPID FUCKING WINTER MORNINGS.
Wow. I’m sensing a little rage here. Just a tad. You’ll have to excuse me. We had our two week winter break and they kids were only back to school for a week when Old Man Winter decided to drop a giant ice covered deuce on our faces. A Cleveland Steamer right in my back yard. The sun rises and you hope against all hope that there will be some warmth to melt away this shit but any respite you get is just destroyed once the sun sets because as dawn approaches *whore*, everything immediately freezes back up again and then your kids school calls and says “FUCK YOU BITCHES!”.
Wow. Okay. I think I need to take some Xanex and drink some coffee. Wakes me up and curbs the rage.
I’m sorry I just threw up on you. There’s still a little in your hair.