Jan
13
2011

I Want To Punch Winter in The Face & Kick Morning In The Balls

You see that?  Yeah, I know you do.  It wasn’t taken in the morning and it sure as shit wasn’t 20 damn degrees outside.  Fuck no.  It was the middle of a beautiful day in July.  I was at the pool, ice melting off my beautifully tan, flat belly even though I drank as much beer as I wanted.  I did my Wii Fit yoga every day and I swam in the pool for hours while my kids were at camp and my life was amazing.

I did all my writing at night or blasted it out when the sun came up.  Even though I do hate mornings, there were some when I would take my computer outside and I’d write as I felt the sun come up.

But now?

No.  NO.  It’s fucking COLD outside.  I live the the fucking SOUTH and I’m looking at Upstate New York conditions right now.  It’s cold.  There’s that nasty frozen show all over the place, mixed with dirt and shit and my lawn is destroyed and my car needs to be washed.  We’re totally not prepared for this so my children have been home from school the ENTIRE WEEK.  When I lived in Syracuse we all used to sit around the radio listening for school closings.  I remember the “Storm of the Century” when we got about six feet in one day.  We STILL had to go to school.  Our bus got stuck in snow and we had to walk the rest of the way.  Here?  They cancel it the day before because there might be a spot of ice at a bus stop.

I HATE WINTER!

I WANT TO KICK MORNINGS IN THE BALLS!

The sun rises, I set.  I drag.  I’m exhausted and miserable and bitchy.  I come in, turn my computer on and stare at it.  I pull my websites up and clear out my emails and I go to Facebook and look around.  I know we all blog for fun but this is my job.  I’m a writer.  I don’t like to vomit on my page, I like to construct something decent for you to read, even if it’s about me grabbing Old Man Winter by the hair and smashing his face into my knee.  I have to get a general idea of what I’m going to be doing for us all here, people.

I fucking hate days like this.  Am I funny?  Probably.  I can’t help it.  My bitching makes people giggle.  I can’t actually be mean to people and I don’t like to bitch in a bitchy way out loud so I’m going to scream it from my blog because I can.

In my mind Old Man Winter is some fat snide douchebag and his life partner is a flighty, misty queen and they’re both laughing at us.  Together they live in perfect harmony, destroying all that is good in this world like warmth and evenings.  In the summer, mornings takes it easier on us when Old Man Winter goes to torture the other side of the world but it’s still MORNING.  We’re still tired and it’s still a bitch.

A damn dirty skanky bitch who pulls us out of bed just when we don’t think we could be any more comfortable and we know we have to turn that stupid fucking alarm off but the covers are perfect and what’s another minute?  Another minute is you getting a phone call asking where the fuck you are it’s been three hours and you jump up out of bed and you’re brushing your teeth while you pee, trying to spit the toothpaste between your legs because that pee is taking forever and you want to see if you can make it without getting it all over you.  You don’t.  There’s spit and toothpaste on your thighs.  You shrug.  Oh, well.  There’s been worse there.

You have to rush to get ready, feeling like you forgot something (you did) and your heart is pounding and you’re exhausted but on a mission.  You run out to your car and it’s FUCKING FROZEN.  At least if it was the summer you’d be greeted with that fresh crisp morning air (the only thing tolerable about that bitch) but in the winter?  Noooo….you have to be greeted by a biting chilll that coats your entire car.  Not in a way you can brush or scrape off , either.  Your car windows are just glazed over enough that it only goes away when the car is warmed up.  But you don’t have time to warm the car up so you start blasting your windshield wiper fluid on it every 10 seconds to clear away the frost only to watch as it builds back up again.

STUPID FUCKING WINTER MORNINGS.

Wow.  I’m sensing a little rage here.  Just a tad.  You’ll have to excuse me.  We had our two week winter break and they kids were only back to school for a week when Old Man Winter decided to drop a giant ice covered deuce on our faces.  A Cleveland Steamer right in my back yard.  The sun rises and you hope against all hope that there will be some warmth to melt away this shit but any respite you get is just destroyed once the sun sets because as dawn approaches *whore*, everything immediately freezes back up again and then your kids school calls and says “FUCK YOU BITCHES!”.

Wow.  Okay.  I think I need to take some Xanex and drink some coffee.  Wakes me up and curbs the rage.

I’m sorry I just threw up on you.  There’s still a little in your hair.

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Written by Julie Maloney in: Uncategorized

13 Comments »

  • Beth says:

    ==In my mind Old Man Winter is some fat snide douchebag and his life partner is a flighty, misty queen and they’re both laughing at us.==

    So very, very true. Fucker.
    Beth´s last blog post ..Pin

  • Dr. B. says:

    The Native Americans asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replied that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

    Being a good leader, he then called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is this winter to be cold?”

    The man on the phone responded, “Yes, this winter is going to be very cold.”

    So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, “Is it going to be a very cold winter?”

    “Yes,” the man replied, “it’s going to be a very very cold winter.”

    So the Chief went back to his people and ordered them to go and find every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again: “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very very cold?”

    “Absolutely,” the man replied, “the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!!”

  • Ket says:

    I have ativan, want some? Sometimes I think I need to buy stock in that stupid drug company.

    Seriously, though. I can’t say I can relate because I love winter. Even though it’s 58 frickin’ degrees in here because I’m cheap and we’re running out of wood and I’m too lazy to get up and start a fire anyway.

    PS. nice belly, I am envious beyond belief.
    Ket´s last blog post ..An Experiment- 90 Minutes

  • kyooty says:

    Our posts are so opposite today… :)
    kyooty´s last blog post ..Friday Fill-ins Ice Cream problem is everywhere!

  • Christy says:

    If I looked like that, even remotely, when I was in a bath suit then I too would miss the poolside days. But I enjoy having the different seasons too enjoy.
    Christy´s last blog post ..Herb- The Vegetarian Dragon

  • Rachele says:

    I feel ya. I grew up in Michigan. We walked to school (uphill, blah, blah, blah). School never got canceled for snow. EVER. Now (in Va) the schools close when the weather man says “Hey. There may be snow tomorrow”. Thanks for taking that last hit. It totally missed us. I did have one or both kids home last week with illnesses though. Everyday. Except. Monday. UGH!
    Rachele´s last blog post ..How I Lost 12 Pounds in 3 Weeks and 2 Days

  • stefanie says:

    I feel your pain sista! I live in Atlanta and I’ve been stuck inside my home (aka everything else is a sheet of ice) since Monday. I mean seriously…THIS IS ATLANTA! Forget the Xanax, go and kick Winter’s ass…and PLEASE take photos while you’re doing it.
    stefanie´s last blog post ..Facebook Now Provides Local AMBER Alerts for Missing Children

  • Todd@PhitZone says:

    Don’t sweat it, Julie. Al Gore said that it’d be getting warmer very soon.
    Todd@PhitZone´s last blog post ..If You’re Not Eating Salmon- You’ll Hate Yourself Later

  • Lauren says:

    I hear you and want to kick winter in the balls, mornings, too. Winter plus snow equals cold hell. I’d rather be melting in lava.

    There’s so much snow on the front lawn that my dogs are afraid to walk in it. They’re not afraid of anything. One dog disappears when he goes outside because he’s white and short. Not a good combo.

    The other dog just had knee surgery and is wearing a surgical collar. She scoops the snow as she walks along the flattened snow path I created for her and short legs, while plodding along in the knee deep stuff. Did I mention that I hate snow? It’s a four-letter word, you know.
    Lauren´s last blog post ..Disappearing Jobs Linked to Magic Cape Missing from Homeland Security Rec Room

  • VetTech says:

    Truer word have never been uttered. Charlotte can’t handle this kind of cold, does the damn city even have plows? Certainly no stockpile of salt.
    VetTech´s last blog post ..Top Chef All Stars – Double Down

  • Stephanie @ The Blue Zoo says:

    ahhhh. Now I totally miss the summer.
    Stephanie @ The Blue Zoo´s last blog post ..Heart Of Haiti

  • Russ says:

    I am with Stefanie. It is up to you Julie. Go give winter a good kick in the ass. If I lived down south I would be really pissed about now. Here in Connecticut we expect it. Got 29 inches the other day.
    Have a good warm weekend.

  • Raven says:

    Everyone needs to have a bitch fest every now and again. I hate mornings too. They suck. I don’t mind winter though, but then I have an underground heated garage.
    Raven´s last blog post ..Just Some Stuff That Fell Out of My Head

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