I Need Your Advice
Now it doesn’t mean I’m necessarily going to take it, but I really need to hear what everyone thinks on two things (one for each of my boys).
I’ll start with the baby-
Yeah, look at that face. First off, if anyone wants a little adorable baby model, he’s your boy lol. He can smile on cue. That’s not what I need your advice on though. The kid bangs his head on things. When he’s sitting in his high chair, he’ll start rocking back and forth slamming his body back against the chair. We watched him crawl into the corner the other day and rock back and forth on all fours banging his head on the cabinets.
The other night we heard a series of bangs and muted the TV thinking the house was getting broken in to. That’s when we realized he was half asleep in his crib rocking, banging his head against the side and making the crib hit the wall. He’s a very bright boy, at 9 months old is right on track with everything. He’s so smart that yesterday at the doctor, I said he needed a nurse to watch him while I had my exam and the doctor said, “it’s not like he can shut the entire computer system off” and with that, Josh looked up at us with a smile as his tiny finger hit the power button, shutting everything down. “I asked for that one, huh?” my doctor said.
Just 5 minutes ago, I was helping Jake clean his playdoh up and I heard a woman verifying my address on the phone. Josh called 911. I checked the redial log, he actually dialed 9-1-1 and hit send. I had to explain I had a technoligically inclined baby on my hands and she sent the Police out to ‘check on me’. When the officer arrived, he laughed and told me I have a little Bill Gates on my hands. I said “yeah, either that or a linebacker, I’m trying to figure that out”.
He copies sounds, says ‘mama’ and ‘dada’ and can pull up and walk holding on to things. I wasn’t too concerned with the banging of the head when he first started crawling, because I know babies get up on all fours and rock, and just figured he needed to be pulled back from wherever his head was hitting. It wasn’t until I realized he was crawling back to that spot to do it more than we got a little concerned.
We have a doctor’s appointment in 2 weeks and I’ll be mentioning it to him, of course, but I wanted to know if this is cause for alarm. I’ve heard that other kids do this and it’s just something they do. My oldest likes to twirl my hair, my youngest likes to smash his head into things. He’s my little linebacker. If he’s prepping for life in the NFL, I’m fine with it.
This is the problem I’m really concerned about-
My 3 1/2 year old is the most loving, brilliant boy I’ve ever met and I’m not being biased. I can admit my kids faults (as I’m doing today) and I can say I thought my 2nd was an ugly newborn. Jacob is truly brilliant and absorbs and remembers everything.
We’ve enrolled him in the 3’s program at the Christian Nursery school by our home. It’s 3 days a week from 9-12. He was in a 2’s program at a different church last year and if we hadn’t moved so far, I’d have kept him in there.
This school came highly recommended by parents in the area. It’s the oldest preschool in town (over 20 years) and I think is pricy for 9 hours a week. We paid $100 a month for 8 hours including lunch last year and this is $215 for 9 hours without lunch.
About two months ago he came home and was pretending to use a gun to shoot me. Nuh-uh. Not in this house. In my view, there’s enough violence in our world, I’m not going to glamorize the use of guns for play. He told me he plays guns at school with the toys and the teachers knew. I emailed his teacher and she assured me she knew, she wasn’t pleased and she removed the tools (drills and such) from the room and explained to the kids why that was unacceptable.
She said this happens every year. Without fail, there’s a child of a hunter who is surrounded by guns and toys at home and is encouraged to hunt and play. I respect the way another individual raises their child, but I also think it should be made clear with a subject like that- a subject anyone should know may be offensive to others-that it is not to be shared with other children.
I’m a Catholic and raise my child in my beliefs, yet I made it clear to him that he is in a Christian Baptist school with different beliefs and he is not to push his religion on other students. Catholic schools are tough to find in the south, and I like the enrichment learning about other religions bring to him. He has a strong sense of God and prayer, but he seems to be more of a follower than a leader and there’s one boy in particular he seems to be following.
He comes home from school saying ‘—- calls his mom names, it’s funny’ or ‘—- and I gave each other guns today’. I overheard him and my 20 year old nephew playing the video board game SORRY at my moms last week and Jake screamed ‘Yeah, kill him’! Even my nephew was floored. Yesterday at the doctor, Jake told me to die (when i asked what that means, he said to get shot/die means to go to the hospital and not come back).
I’m kind of a hippie chick. I’ve never even spoke of guns in my home, I don’t watch violent shows. I don’t watch any shows except his shows until he’s fast asleep anyway, but I can’t handle violence in television. I don’t even read the paper or watch the news. All my info comes from Jon Stuart at the Daily Show.
Without be babbling further, I just want to know-what would you do? Do I email his teacher again, schedule a meeting? For a few weeks there, he was scared to even go to school. Never mentioned trouble there, he just screamed when it was time to get out of the car, which never happens and has stopped after about 2 weeks. Do I ignore this talk of guns? Some say it’s natural for boys to play shooting games, the boys of my youth did (and look where it got us). I don’t even allow ’shooters’ of any type in my home. If someone buys him a water gun or nerf thrower, I toss it. I don’t even donate it, I toss it.
We sat him down last night and told him if someone wants to play guns or talk of violence and death, to reply that he is not interested or allowed to speak of such things. Do I let boys be boys? Let him hit and wrestle? Take him out of this school? Call this kids mother? Am I turning him into a pansy? What of this talk of killing and death? How do I explain that to a 3 1/2 year old?
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Firstly, the baby, dh’s nephew used to bang his head too. My hypothesis is that smart kids like your baby, and dh’s nephew, do so for probably 2 reason: one is that it’s a sensory habit that feels good (no harm unless he bruises himself or draws blood), and secondly it may be that he’s a bit under-stimulated because he’s brilliant and bored.
As for your older son, I have to say that, sadly, it seems to be an innate boy thing. We never let our kids (as babies and toddlers) watch anything violent or have toy guns in the house, and yet, I vividly recall ds#1 picking up some stick-like toy (maybe Tinkertoy piece or K’nex piece) and making shooting noises and motions. WEIRD!
Our kids never went beyond the motions, and only for a little bit, so I’m sorry I don’t have any advice on what to do about the talk of killing and death. I think you’re doing all the right things by having talks with him about it and conferring with the teacher too. I don’t think it’d hurt either to talk to that other boy’s mom to see what is going on at his end.
Julie I love you and this post rocks. We’ll chat online
and hang next week and put our brains together on this one…. maybe we can both gain from this post…
You have posed some interesting questions. I wish I had the insight to answer in some positive way. I hope others come through with some help and guidance. I’ll be checking back to see if anyone knows something.
I can comment on the head banging – it sounds just like our little girl who crawled early, walked early and is still very ’spirited’ at 1.5 yrs. The head banging is normal. He’s just figuring out cause and effect. My little one did it for about a month and then eased off of it…she still does it if she gets mad because she knows I’ll jump in to stop her…she’s always looking to get a reaction out of me.
About the guns thing, I have no experience. I’ve heard it’s normal too although I know I wouldn’t like it in my house either. Best of luck on that one!
My son did the intentional head banging thing too. He grew out of it. At the time, I googled my ass off and read about a million other kids with the same problem.
As for you older kid, not sure what I’d do (sorry!). Can you get him to tell you which kids are the ones starting the gun play? At least then you’d know where it’s originating and can ask the teacher to say something to their parents. If she’s not receptive to the idea, go to the preschool director but try the teacher first since it might not go over well. Good luck!
Wow Julie, thanks for sharing. The younger baby, I would say it is a phase and he will go out of it, and the more you make a big deal out of it, the more he will continue to do the banging, just make sure his enviroment is safe.
I would journal his milestones, etc. Make note of anything unusual and normal. Make sure you use dates, etc. That way you can see progression whether it is worse or gets better.
The older son and the gun thing, totally a boy thing, however seems a little much and that he really likes this type of play. From your post, it does not sound like you totally love his school either, so maybe change his school, and get him in a different enviroment with different kids.
Personally I am a fan of the Montessori preschool curriculm. Your son sounds like he would do well with this type of schooling. With this, youi have to make sure the school is certified with this curriculm
I have to think on this one, Julie. Having girls, I have been told that I “just don’t understand boys” when I’ve asked other male kids not to bring their toy guns to our house or pretend to shoot my children with sticks. I’m not against guns for hunting and self-defense, but I do think it’s important to communicate that they are NOT toys.
I have a nightmare about the kids finding a real gun, thinking it’s a toy.
First of all.. Lilli bangs her head on things…it is so weird…she laughs while she is doing it. Crazy little girl…I had a friend whose baby was born at the same time as B and her daughter used to sit on the floor and bend over to smash her head into the ground. No harm, no foul I say.
About the guns: There is some truth to boys will be boys…I get that. Eric is a big “man’s man” …a hunter, etc…you know that. HOWEVER…we do not talk of shooting and killing things in our home. For now, Daddy goes out to play with the deer, when he gets one and brings it home B doesn’t see it until it is almost fully processed and Eric talks to him about how special this food is for our family.
B recently started “shooting” at something, which I think IS natural. I do NOT thin the level to which Jake is “playing” is appropriate and he has obviously learned this at school.
This is tricky situation…the first of many I’m sure…parent politics. I would schedule a face to face with the teacher if you can….tell her your concerns, how far it has gone at home…and ask her advice on talking to the parent. In all reality…the teacher could take this one for you and it would probably have a greater effect on the parent…than “that mom bitch” if you address them about it.
Nobody wants to hear from their teacher that their kid is spreading ill will.
**hugs**
Hi Julie – I follow you on twitter and love your posts.
I cannot speak to your head-banger, but do have advice for the gun issue.
I was like you… swore against guns in my home. Then my son bit his cheese slice into a stick shape and said “pow” so i begain to believe it is just hard-wired! In my opinion, you of course cannot impose your beliefs on how another family raises their child… but neither can you impose your beliefs upon the classroom as a whole. If you choose, you can remove your son and look for a classroom environement that is pumping out less testosterone… but good luck.
If he is truly afraid of someone else in his class, then you need to take action… by teaching your son how to handle it, and probably by talking to the teacher and maybe the other kid’s mom (i seldom have had success with this though).
But to be perfectly honest, I’m wondering if his fear was something he felt from you. (I don’t mean that in a mean way – like parents who are afraid of dogs unknowingly pass that fear on).
more below…
The good news is that there is a happy medium here, in my opinion. Personally, i think that it’s a mistake to act as if these items don’t exist out in the world. you have to accept that they exist and teach your children about them.
My three boys are now 16, 14, and 10. we have nerf guns, we play shooting games on the wii, and one son even plays paintball. But part of my job of parenting is teaching that these are GAMES. No thuggish behavior is acceptable. Real guns kill real people. we distinguish true violence (which by the way is also around withOUT guns) from game play. And i think i might be safe to say they are well-balanced, well-adjusted boys at this point.
This is one of the many such issues you will encounter. wait till “yes son, i know you can eat nothing but junk at school lunch, but that’s a mistake that will make you feel bad by the end of the day.”
or “well yes that word you just saw written in the bathroom is a bad word. here is what it means, and it is disrespectful for you to ever say it in our home or to your elders. you are smart enough to think of better words to show when you are mad.”
We teach what is out there in the world, and how we think they ought to handle those things. Then when they are old enough, we send them out in the world without us… but educated.
Sorry for such a long post. Hope it helps to hear from a mom who has already walked this path.
My brother used to bang his head like that. Maybe he is teething? I remember the pain meds wore off right after my wisdom teeth were pulled and it hurt so bad I wanted to put my head through a wall. Or maybe ear infections?
julie – my browser went haywire and posted this multiple times – please delete the duplicates! sorry!!
Julie Reply:
January 8th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
@Lori, Got ‘em, thanks!!!
Hi there. I’ve experienced both things. My first son only banged his head with frustration on the walls in the hallway. The trend went away when he was able to form words and talk better.. It took time but padding the things around him just a little for safety might not be a bad idea. Seems like he does it in the high chair and his crib.. Usually they outgrow it when they hit themselves hard enough (which is what my kid did) and it stopped. But it’s a good idea to bring it up with the doctor and see what he says about padding the things around him for now. Ask about the crib..Nowadays they don’t like things in the cribs but what’s a mom to do when they bang like that?! I don’t blame you for worrying but it is probably going to be self limited… Just keep his little noggin safe for now..
As for the older son.. We DO come from a hunting family where there are guns in the house (locked of course and in the attic) My two boys pulled the same thing as yours when they hit preschool years. At first I was upset about it. My husband explained to the boys about what guns are for and we NEVER ever point one at someone..(obviously.) but as far as allowing them to play with toy guns..I don’t allow it. We make it clear that we aren’t pleased with any talk like this. It has been very hard for us to keep them from playing with things like Lego Star Wars and stuff like that.. For those types of things we allow.. Anything that is not REAL is ok. Seems like the boys naturally gravitate to things like this so we keep it strictly ok for star wars and constantly tell them this is not real. My boys are 9 and 8 now and they are normal kids.. When their friends come over and want to play “gun games” they tell them they can’t but they CAN play star wars. This helps them not feel ostrisized and different.. At least their friends stop pressuring them and they all play a game that is fiction..
My kids have said similar comments to me about dying and death..(by one of my twin girls actually believe it or not) I am in for it when they are teens…It’s very hurtful to me but I know they don’t understand the concept of dying so I just reinforce it and tell them they don’t have to like me but they DO have to respect me and telling me they wish I would die (or their sibling would die) is not allowed.. I tell them it’s disrespectful and give them other words to use like “you wish I would just go away” (instead of die)
I would tell the teacher your concerns about what the other little boy is influencing on your child if this continues. For now, you can use it as a ‘teaching moment’ and give him the words to use with this boy..like “I want to play XYZ..” instead of guns…I don’t play with toy guns” Something along those lines..but if he can’t do that because of his age, maybe encouraging the teacher to keep them separated would be a good idea..He inevitably be exposed to many other influences in the near future with other children so see if you can use these as teaching experiences and encourage another friendship in the same classroom.. Maybe another good friend will discourage your son from playing with the other kid and have the teacher match those two up during playtime.. Hope some of this helps! Sherri (mom of 4- boys 9 and 8, twin girls 6)
Regarding your oldest and the gun issue: All I can say is good luck! I also hate guns, wasn’t raised with them, and certainly wasn’t going to have them in the house, real or otherwise! But my son’s pretending started at maybe 4 years old – a pretend slide rule became a gun, of all things. I have fought and fought this and am still fighting. But losing. I swear it is an inate boy thing. My son is now 12 1/2 years old. He has been in scouting since first grade, and that has been a wonderful thing for him. But one of the highlights of the summer is the rifle range. The kids in the neighborhood all have air soft guns, and I finally relented and let him get an inexpensive one. It just leads to the want for the more realstic and very much expensive ones. He wants to save his own money for this and then have us let him get one. I am wholly opposed. My husband is more – well, you tried, but boys will be boys. It doesn’t help that I live in a rural area (near a big city, but rural just the same). Gosh, I could write a book on this subject, but the bottom line is that you have an uphill battle on your hands and I hope you do better than I did. Honestly, I don’t know what else I could have done!
I never owned any toy guns growing up (“hey kid, you’ll put yer eye out), but the neighborhood kids and I would play soldier, cops & robbers, etc. by using just sticks for weapons. There’s killing built-in to even the mildest video games (you play until you lose, usually by being “killed” in some fashion)… you’re handling Jake just fine by raising him with your values, but leave him room to be a boy or he might rebel when he’s older and do the opposite just to piss you off.
And Josh is just playing & self-stimulating. When he’s able to walk & run around, the headbanging should stop (until he gets into heavy metal music and mosh pits).
I think the head banging is pretty common…it is somehow comforting to them I think!
As far as the guns go…while I think it is true that boys will be boys, I also think that they need to take a harder line against that kind of play at his school. You are doing the right thing in continuing to reinforce it at home and I would talk to his teacher again about it.
oops. That last comment was me! I forgot to fill in the top part.
Julie
If your little guy is showing signs of being afraid of going to school… that is a definite red flag! It is time for a conference and if you feel like you aren’t getting the results you need…. it might be time to make a tough call.
Children’s personalities and who they are going to be are pretty muched shaped by age 3. Developmentally speaking, your son is in his prime for forming his little opinions! The gun issue you are never going to get rid of…. but… him being afraid… is alarming. Besides, mother knows best!
Does he like to draw? What types of things does he draw for you? This could be an excellent way to get him to open up about what is going on at school. You don’t have to be a theapist… children simply respond better to things like art than things like sitting down and talking.
I’ve read (and been told) that boys are just more ‘hard-wired’ for aggressive play. While that may be true, you’re the parent and he’s old enough to understand that you think it’s excessive.
He may know the DEFINITION of ‘dying’ but I doubt he can conceptualize it, unless he’s experienced the death of a family member already. It’s hurtful, of course, but he’s just repeating what he’s learned (as you said, he’s a sponge).
IS there a Montessori school in your area? Because it sounds like that would be right up his alley – but more importantly, up YOUR alley, too. Ya hippie.
I would curb the “die”. Especially Die mom. That is not allowed or funny.
I think this is why parents home school their kids. I’m not qualified to teach my children and I want them to interact with other kids. Somehow as parents we need to be able to teach our children what is right and what is wrong.
I have been told that some girls go through this phase as well. I have yet to go through this phase and am not sure how I will handle it either.
My son used to bang his head on everything. He grew out of it eventually, but it seems like every picture we have of him when he was little includes a bruise on his head. *sigh*
We set certain limits and talk about what is not appropriate- like talking about killing people and pointing guns at people.
With the gun thing- you know what is best for your family. Stick to your Guns (hehe) and make sure your children and thier teachers know where you stand and what is acceptable in your home. I too would like to ban all gun play in my home, but I married a man who likes to hunt. I’m still trying to figure that one out.
My household is that of a hunter. That being said, the bows and guns are locked-up (seriously, I swear our cabinet/rack is more protected than Fort Knox, and I appreciate the Hubby for taking those measures!), and the toddler is not learning about them right now.
However, he will learn about them at a younger age then some, since the Hubby and I agree that talking frankly and responsibly about them early on, emphasizing the “not a toy” message, reduces the fascination kids have with guns.
That being said, I’ve talked to many parents who have tried to keep guns and violence out of their home, especially when they are raising boys.
As others have stated in the other comments, many of them have informed me that even when they haven’t allowed any gun-type toys, they will find their children – especially the boys, turning something else into a makeshift weapon of some sort. One friend said she even found her son taking her daughter’s Barbie dolls, bending them in half and aiming at various points around the room while mimicking gun noises.
These friends are not hunters, have been stay-at-home moms (so very little outside influence from schools and possible other kids of hunters, at the earlier ages), and at this point, they have called us, to ask my Hubby to come and talk to their children about guns not being toys, the purpose of guns, and the rules of guns.
They aren’t trying to push our beliefs on their kids – they would prefer their kids not play guns at all, but they figure if the fascination is there, then maybe the better approach is to educate, so maybe the play isn’t as violent, and the kids learn that weapons aren’t glamorous and are not to be used against each other.
I know your son is only three, but I guess I’m just trying to echo what the others have been saying. Some of this seems to be natural play of a boy, especially…
Talking to the teacher again wouldn’t hurt, if it would make you feel better, too. Maybe she would have an idea on how to approach this.
Good luck!
I have nothing to say on the head banging. Hope it stops soon. My 5 year old loves guns. We do allow water guns and the nerf shooters, but he knows if he points them directly at someone, they go away. He started talking about death at about the same age, it really bothered me and I wanted him to understand (as much as he could at 3) that death was final. I took him to a cemetary and we walked around looking at tombstones while I explained that that is where people who die go. I’m not sure how much he understood, but the death talk stopped.
You have nothing to worry about with the head banging issue…one of my best friend’s second son was like that when he was a baby – he’s now 6, in first grade, and getting straight A’s… He’s still a ‘bubba’, and we still joke about him being a linebacker some day, but he’s a very rough-and-tumble little guy and very, very smart. I think it boils down to what Teresa said about being ‘brilliant and bored’.
Just wait – when he gets a bit bigger and is ‘bored’ when in his crib, he might end up breaking his crib apart like my friend’s son did! 
The head banging he will grow out of… Bubba did, and it didn’t scramble his brains! 
As for the gun-issue, boys will be boys, yes. You’re doing all the right things by talking to him and explaining things to him the way you are. I think I’m lucky that I have a girl and not a boy, because like some have mentioned, it’s almost as if it’s ‘hard-wired’ into a boys psyche. That being said, if you’re extra concerned about your son being unduly influenced by another child at the school, you could set up a meeting to voice your concerns with the teacher face-to-face. If it were me, I would not go seek out the offending boy’s parents to talk to them, because as someone else mentioned, it turns into ‘Parent Politics’ and generally doesn’t end well.
Like Dr. B mentioned – give your son a little ‘breathing space’ to be a boy, while still expressing your concerns and instilling your wonderful values in him…you don’t want him rebelling later because he will – back to that ‘boys will be boys’ thing.
I think Josh’s head banging is probably a sensory issue. My son Alex is considered “high sensory seeking” and loves to go upside down A LOT. He occassionally bangs his head…but it sounds like Mr. Josh does this a lot.
The gun thing…yikes…sensitive issue. Sounds like it’s a combo of “normal boy play” and one or two little boys at school that you don’t want your kid playing with.
When Alex starting “shooting” I encouraged him to shoot like Spiderman shoots his webs…out of his hand. Keeps it in the realm of pure fantasy. I can handle that. No guns in this house though…no siree.
So far he doesn’t talk about “killing” things. If I hear anything I don’t like I explain that this is pretend play and we don’t want to hurt people for real or “give them a big oww-ey.”
I think there’s definitely a parent-teacher conference in your future though. Worst case scenario…a new school.
A couple of great resources for raising boys (that I still need to look at):
PBS Parents…Advice on Raising Boys
http://www.pbs.org/parents/raisingboys/
And a book:
The Minds of Boys: Saving Our Sons from Falling Behind in School and Life by Michael Gurian & Kathy Stevens
New blog I found:
It’s Good to be the Queen…a mom of THREE boys
http://www.itsgoodtobethequeen.com/
Julie – I forgot to mention the head-banging… Little Dude still does it at times – when he is frustrated or overly excited. He used to do more of it, and others have said, I was told it would go away as he learned to process everything – he was just overloading.
The little bit he still does is almost non-existent, and truthfully, I think it is rare because he realized, “wait, that hurts!”