That was from last Christmas Eve Eve.  When I first discovered the bounty and glory that is the Pillow Pet.  I don’t have them all but I do have a whole hell of a lot of them and today I’m going to talk about their names and where they came from.  There is a key person involved in all of my Pillow Pet shenanigans who not only doesn’t like to be talked about but he also doesn’t like being talked to for those of you who insist on reading my blog and then go running to said individual.  If he wanted to know what I was saying he’d read this himself.  That being said, through many trials and tribulations I have my friend back and I call him You because I think that’s hilarious.

Anyway, You and I went out last Christmas Eve Eve and I discovered this brand new world of owning a zoo that converts into a pillow.  My first pet was a Monkey.  I call him Monkey simply because I wanted to talk about spanking him.  On Christmas Eve Eve of last year You bought me Ted, named in honor of my late step-father and my friends late father (they have the exact same name, it’s creepy).

Sometime later on I bought a ladybug.  I can’t remember when but I know it was from Walmart and I honestly wasn’t ever too fond of her.  Named her Willow in honor of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  I ended up giving her to my son Joshua because her antennae bugged the shit out of me (no pun intended).  My son Jake was so jealous I bought him a dog and a penguin that he named Julie and Courtney (totally makes sense, we belong together) and recently I bought myself a mini-monkey I named Blue because my friend You makes “Blue’s Clues” noises and it inspired the name.  Blue is solely designed for travel.  It was too hard to take Monkey everywhere but Blue fits into any bag and is a perfect travel pillow.

When I took my trip with You to Galveston for my Carnival cruise promotion, You thought it was only fitting that he get his own pet (I confiscated it eventually) and he named him Red because it’s another color and it rhymes with Ted.   The two had a great time on the ship and I got an adorable post out of it that I don’t need to link to because you’re all very loyal and you’ve likely read it.

Then comes Balls.  OH MY GOD YOU I FUCKING LOVE YOU.

Balls is a pet that can be zipped up in pillow form or unzipped to become a blanket.  I love balls.  I can fit Blue right in him and travel with my Blue and Balls.  If you put all three together I now have Monkey Blue Balls so that right there is your reason why he got that name.  Balls is grand.  I don’t like when my knees touch when I sleep so instead of bunching all the blankets up like I normally do, I just put Balls between my legs and I have the perfect amount of comfort.  He’s silky and smooth and my Balls wraps perfectly around me.  I love playing with Balls.  I dance with him and like the way he feels so much I always find myself rubbing Balls against my face.

This Christmas Eve Eve You also bought be my new bear Bosco.  You named Bosco dating all the way back to the days he worked at a theme park and he lured people to come play games using different bears, all he named Bosco.  That’s the gist of the story anyway, I was manic as fuck when he told me and since he doesn’t read me I can admit that I was only half paying attention because I was wondering if my blood pressure was going to land me in the hospital.

Finally we have Bessie.  She’s my mini-cow.  I didn’t even want to get another one.  We walked into Walgreens and You grabbed her and made mewing noises with her and told me how bad she wanted to come home with me because someone was going to kill and eat her and it reminded me of my days growing up on the farm (yes, I grew up on a farm and no, I was not good at it) and I had a cow I favored that I named Bessie because that’s what I felt a cow should be named.  One day during dinner I distinctly remember saying “Where’s Bessie?” and I don’t know if it’s true or not but the devil said “You’re eating her” and that prompted me to stop eating all meat until I was twenty.  To this day I’ll only eat bacon, burgers, tacos and meatloaf.  I won’t go near a  steak.

I just bought my kids four Pillow Pets but they were pre-named.  Mader, SpongeBob, Mickey Mouse and Sir Purr from the Carolina Panthers.  What they don’t know is that You bought each one their own blanket pets, a dog for Jake and a monkey for Josh so I’m very excited to see what they name them when You gives them their Christmas gifts next time we hang out.  I’m willing to bet one of them is named Bob, but that’s just a hunch.

So that’s it!  I’m sure you were all just dying to know the history of my pets and the origin of their names.  Each one is super special to me and while I don’t think I can have enough of them, it’s gotten to the point where I only want You buying them for me because it’s becoming a tradition.  I suppose I can’t get pissy with him again if I want to increase my collection.  Forgive and forget right?  That’s what friends are for!

Sing it with me now – “Christmas fucking ruuuled!”

Dude.

It so did.

I got up at seven and went to see the two most handsome, well behaved children on the planet.

“Hello mother, how are you? May we please open up our gifts now? Yes?  OH! We each got an iPod touch from Santa!  And wow!  We got just about everything on our Christmas lists and MORE!  Let’s be total dicks now!”

That’s my day in a nutshell.  I spent it with Ry, his dad and the kids and they went from awesome to MISERABLE in just hours.  The days of going to bed late and watching Santa on radar until midnight caught up with them and they decided to shit on everything right in the middle of Denny’s.  We made going there our tradition last year mainly because we didn’t have anything to eat for breakfast and it’s the only place that’s open.

Josh took a two and of course touched the toilet seat while he was sitting there and then put his hands on the floor as I wiped his ass and he had the audacity to get pissed at me for holding his hands away from his mouth, where he wanted them to be until I washed them.  Then we got back to the table and he did the full-on body melt to the floor and promptly got himself a nap when he got back.

I took one as well.

Pillow Pets rule.  Each of my kids got two of them.

After dinner I went to work where I proceeded to get a $100 cash tip on a $230 bill.

I’m awesome.

I didn’t get to sing.

Tingley came out though and he was a rock star.  Everyone there went balls over him and someone stopped him as I was waiting on them and said he was the best in the place and it should be a show centered around him.  It happened to be my $100 table so if he had anything to do with them being in awesome moods thanks dude.  You are appreciated.

People got wicked super drunk and some were cut off.  There was an annoying bitch who got up and sang with EVERY SINGLE PERSON who went up to sing karaoke.  We couldn’t move her.  Tingley tried hooking the drunkest guy in the bar up with her and almost succeeded in the most hilarious way possible.  I’ll recant as best I can -

“Dude. you’ve gotta hook up with that girl.  You live with your mom?  That’s okay!  Fuck her in your car.  You don’t have a car?  Just take her over to a bench around the corner!  Come on, do it man!”

That was the one-sided summary of what happened.  I was laughing my ass off.  Of course Tingley knew our KJ Irish and now is obligated to return every Sunday because a lot of random shit happens and it’s always on my Sunday nights.

My skin is shit and I lost my tweezers.

This post isn’t so much random but it was a very random Christmas.  I got to enjoy my family, escape just before the bedtime meltdown finale and head to work where I took care of more children, only the kind with money to tip me and I poured shots down their throats and made my paycheck.  Sunday’s are my best days.  I always close and it’s ALWAYS crazy.  Usually some drunk chick falls over.  It’s like my favorite bar Lucky’s only bigger and I work there.

I think that’s all the random I have.  I still need black socks.

I’m not even ready to talk Christmas yet, I have to tell you about Christmas Eve Eve first!  Oh, the most glorious of holidays!  It’s my favorite day of the year.  The tradition started last year (I wrote about it then too but I’m not digging for it) and it leaves room for adjustment but the basic premise is shopping.  The three places that are open and therefore will always be hit are Walmart, Toys R Us and CVS where I get my blood pressure taken.

Last year I got an early start so I added in Target and some other retailers but this year I went balls.  I hit karaoke Friday night and sang my Christmas Eve Eve song, “Baby It’s Cold Outside” with a friend of mine I was furious with before but now am cool with so you can stop talking shit about it and after the show I went to Walmart where I saw THIS parked in the parking lot -

I KNOW! A GREEN STALKER VAN! I saw that on my way in but was told I couldn’t get my picture taken with it until after we finished shopping there so you can’t imagine the manic glee that was emanating off of me when I saw it there over two hours after going in the store.

I should probably back up a minute and tell you about the picture at the top of the page.  I’m not sure if you’re aware of my Pillow Pet obsession but unless this is your first time reading me you should know by now that those plush bundles of love give me the ability to nap without Xanax.  Those cute little fuckers are all over the place.  My dog Ted was bought for me last year and I took him with me this year for his one year birthday out to see the same old sights from before.  Before this night I had a Monkey named Monkey and a Dog named Ted.  I also had a mini-monkey I call Blue and a mini-dog named Red.  Much to my surprise I come to find out there are Pillow Pet BLANKETS?! I got a monkey one for Christmas!  You can zip it up into a pillow or unfold it into a blanket.  I have an entire post I will be dedicating to my Monkey family but I’ll tell you know the blanket is named Balls so you can pretty much guess what I plan on doing with my story.

This tradition is carried out alongside my friend who doesn’t like any kind of publicity whatsoever but I have to make note that SOMEONE came with me or else all the pictures would be awkward to explain.  I’ll call this person “You”.

Okay so You and I sing karaoke then go to Walmart.  You gave me my blanket right before the trip over so I was pretty fucking manic at that point.  What You and I do when we get to Walmart is finish up our holiday shopping.  We also buy each other our Christmas gifts.  We each get to pick one thing out and we buy it for each other.  I got myself a new Pillow Pet!  WOW!  He’s a bear You named Bosco.  The naming of the Pet is always a big deal and there is much importance to each name. You got a CD.

We walked around Walmart and got our gifts then went outside and I got to get my picture taken with that green van.  More manic.  Then we headed on over to Toys R Us where just like last year we didn’t find shit to buy.  Following that we made our yearly jaunt over to CVS where we both found out we had high blood pressure.  Last year mine soared into the 200′s but this year it was like 147/98 or something close to it.  Stage 1 hypertension.  Yep.  I was manic! I seriously should have gone to en ER last year now that I’m thinking about it.

We got started so late it was 6:30 when we left CVS so we decided to swing on over to the Walgreens that was just opening it’s doors and much to my surprise and added mania I found my new mini-cow Bessie!  She’s ADORABLE.

Just as we left Walgreens I glanced through a parking lot and saw THIS -

A RED STALKER VAN!

It’s like Santa wanted me to know he loves me!  I got to see a red and a green stalker van and if you notice behind the van you’ll see it’s parked next to a white one.  There were actually three white ones I just couldn’t get a good picture of me with Ted and Bosco all together.

Since it was already nearing 8:00 we decided to take it to the mall.  We went shopping and I bought myself the most badass tee ever.  I’m wearing it out Wednesday and I’ll take a picture and I’ll post it on Facebook.  It’s awesome and I’m going to look SO HOT in it.

Basically that was about it.  We hit every store in the mall and I didn’t get into my bed until noon.  I slept clear through Christmas Eve into the night until I had my AA meeting and then I woke up at 7 on Sunday and did the whole Christmas thing.  I’ll toss that into tomorrow’s post.  Nothing near as exciting as my blood pressure skyrocketing from a manic episode due to an overabundance of Pillow Pets and stalker vans!  What more could a girl ask for?

Oh.  Socks.  I haven’t gotten socks from anyone yet.

I’m saving myself from having to come up with a creative story by answering a bunch of Christmas questions to satisfy my blogging quota for the day.  I took it from my friend from Secret Mom Thoughts.  Wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas or holiday of your choice!

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Well I can’t drink and I’m not allowed to have chocolate (which I would have picked) so I’m voting Cranberry & Sprite.