Well a bunch of us were joking around about dating and sex the other day and we realized that none of us has any  game.  We amplified that lack of game by coming up with a list of things you shouldn’t do or say if you happen to find yourself on a first date with someone.  Didn’t completely fuck up on your date?  We also thought about things you shouldn’t say or do in bed.  Enjoy.

First Date

• Are those real?
• You have the salad, the fat free ranch is really good.
• You don’t look anything like your profile picture.
• Oh I’m so getting some tonight (as you look at your cell phone)
• The doctor said it’ll clear up in 7-10 days.
• Oh shit I forgot to take my meds.
• My parents are going to love you!
• Is your friend still going out with that guy/girl?
• My mom says I’m a great kisser.
• I can’t wait to change my relationship status!
• Wait – you mean you’re not 18?
• I have to take this call it’s my probation officer.
• I had legs like that when I was a woman.
• Last one out of the car pays the bill!
• I’m really into bulimia.
• You remind me of my cousin.
• Yeah, this is my lucky restaurant.  I take all my first dates here.

In Bed

• Wait – it started?
• Wait – it ENDED?
• What’s that smell?
• Wow.  Victoria really can keep a secret.
• Now I know why they call it a ‘wonder bra’.
• Can you turn the light off?
• We have to keep it down, mom’s sleeping.
• Wait, let me get my hamster.
• I’m suddenly craving sushi.
• It’s like I said on our date, it’s supposed to clear up in 7-10 days.
• Are we flipping over?  Hurry it up.
• My dog sleeps there like that.
• Mind if I film this?
• I just got off the pill.
• Wow you really don’t sweat that much for a fat chick.
• Hold on I have to update my Facebook status.
• That Viagra commercial lasted longer than you did.
• So how old’s your daughter?

Things my dad just left in the comment section

THINGS NO ONE SHOULD EVER SAY, INCLUDING ME:

● You had me at Tubes-Tied
● I like my women like when I’m breaking in pool. With a solid rack.
● Who wants to get mouth pregnant tonight?
● I like my women the way I like my wine. On a rack in the cellar.
● You had me at “I’m not your wife.”
● If you stacked all the women I’ve made love to over the years on top of each other, I’d be like, “What are you doing?”
● I FOUND THE CLlTORIS!!!
It’s on page 86 in this Dictionary…
● Give a man a blowjob and you’ll eat for a day. Repeat indefinitely.
● If you mean getting a blowjob while listening to the radio, then yes, I like radiohead

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Okay people, this is it!  The day I’ve been longing for!  I’m getting fresh blood!  WOOT! Sure, it’ll take three hours of my life from me once a month and the allergy shots are going to happen about three days a week so that kills another hour and a half and my gas but it’s worth it – I’m going to be “healthy”!

I wonder what that “being healthy”feels like?  I’m not sure if I ever really have.  They suspect whatever the fuck is wrong with my blood cells has been with me a long time and they want me to get my kids checked because it’s inherited but I just can’t take that stress right now.  I have to heal me first.  The kids seem fine and their well visit is in May.  Friggin’ super.

So today I become a Vamp.  I’m already a blogger and rock some sweet Ninja moves so you’d better watch out now that I’m going to have my tiger blood in me.  WINNING!

Sidebar:  Charlie Sheen is brilliant.  Who else makes millions off of being a crackhead without having to deal it?

So I’m not nervous, I’m terribly excited.  It took forever for today to come.  I’m going to be tweeting (Twitter.com/Momspective) and Facebooking (Facebook.com/Momspective) the entire thing, just like I always do and I’ll be screwing around online because they have free wi-fi.  Oooh.

I didn’t know what to post today since I’m just wrapped up in all of this so I’m going to drop a bit of comedic gold from my “Ways to Amuse Yourself in Public”.  No need to wish me luck today, just head over to Facebook or Twitter and hang out with me!

• While walking your dog carry a whip.
• Instead of a stroller bring a lawnmower.
• Ride a tandem bike alone talking romantically to yourself.
• Walk around with a broken leash screaming “He has rabies!”
• Grab a Frisbee mid-air and start barking as you run off.
• Hook up water ski’s to a canoe on a beach.
• Play basketball alone and keep screaming “Foul!”
• Act as a valet at your local park.
• Go up to random mother and ask if they will kiss your boo boo.
• Run after a person riding a bike and beg for a ride on their handlebars.

Eh.  That’s about all I feel like doing for now.  You got a nice giggle out of it and I managed to write something for the day so it’s a win-win as far as I’m concerned.  I didn’t want the stress of having to figure out what to say during my infusion.  I’m also bringing my iPad and that auto-correct really fucks with me.

Be sure to join me on Facebook and Twitter to keep up with all the crazy I have going on in my life!  Just look over to the right and find the little buttons that will take you directly to my pages.  Thanks for your thoughts of love and shit in advance!

I hate milk but I’ve been making it a point to drink it with my cereal lately.  It grosses me out as I do it but I use a ton of milk and I don’t want to waste it.

My dog barks anytime he hears a doorbell, even if it’s on TV.

I’m going to start talking about sex.  EdenFantasys plans on giving me some gift cards if I talk about the shit you can get from there and now that I’m a single lady I’m going to need them.  I was taking a look around their site and I’d say it was like being a kid at the candy store but that would be so wrong.  After seeing their selection I was blown away (BAHAHAHAHA – play on words there, get it?) by the sheer amount of things people can use in bed.  I’m essentially going to get like $110 a month to get anything I want from their store.  I don’t even know where to start and I have no idea what kind of sexual things I’m going to talk about but I’ve never really gone down the sexual route for fear of my family telling me I’m an abomination of some sort but it’s a big part of my life and if EdenFantasys is going to help me nurture me by hooking me up with some toys I’m all in.  Or they are, it depends on what I get I suppose.  I need new bras and panties too.  My BFF Sarah always has cool shit that matches and I always wear the same old beige bras and I have more pairs of granny panties than someone as young and hot as I am should so expect me to tell you a bit about my sexlife (or lack thereof) in the upcoming months.  I have stories. (It gets better. Click to continue reading…)

I can’t believe my babies are growing up.  I mean DUR.  I KNOW they’re growing up but it’s our birthday season.  Joshua just turned three last week, their daddy turns 33 (heh) tomorrow (Happy Birthday dude.  I’m assuming your drinking days are over after this past weekend *giggle*), Jacob will be six on the 11th and I’m going to be 34 on April 14th (No need to write that down, I’ll make sure none of you forget).

With that I’ve been having some mommy flashbacks.  Jacob can’t drink milk.  As he got older he became able to have things like ice cream and yogurt but whole milk still hurts his stomach and when he was a toddler we were afraid he wasn’t getting the nutrients he needed to grow big and strong.  Enter V8 Fusion.  At the time, this product was fairly new (as far as I know, I didn’t drink juice) and it was a blessing.  (It gets better. Click to continue reading…)