Go Random. Go To The Un Mom. Right Now. Well, Read This First. Then click this. She's hawt.

My head is stupid today.

I’m eating chips and salsa hoping to burn it away.

Maybe it needs nose spray.  It seems like everyone has a stupid cough and now I have a stupid cough which is total bullshit because I just saw a billion specialists who gave me a billion inhalers and I take a billion pills (I don’t mind) and now I have a cough and runny nose.  It’s not like my regular one where I just hear my lung bubbling like a bong hit, it’s that nasty tasting cough that you can’t get all the way up that leaves a nasty taste in your mouth.

I love peeing in the shower but I’d rather not do a vitamin pee.  Those super yellow ones stink.  I’m glad I use this new Oil of Olay shit I got.  I bought it because it says “Deep Penetrating Moisture” on the front.  I giggled.  I bought it.  It really does penetrate some serious moisture.

Fuck.  Stupid fucking cough.  I also keep typing couch and I have to go back and change it.  I don’t mind my couch.

Phlegm. (It gets better. Click to continue reading…)

I’d say just about everyone who reads me knows about this new life of mine and it’s a life of chaos and I’m constantly on the go.  I’m also remarkably lazy when it comes to doing dishes but I love cooking and I’m also quite the fan of eating.  The thing is, I have two kids (five and two) who like to grab their plates and run into their playroom to watch TV while they eat dinner.

I know I’m supposed to keep them at the table but they’re FIVE and TWO and I’m just happy they’re eating what I’m giving them so if it takes a cartoon or three I’m down with it.  The issue here is that I don’t like them running off with glass plates (dur) and most paper plates immediately bend in half the second they grab them causing my gourmet meal of nuggets and mac and cheese to crash down since they’re fans of the one-handed grab, ultimately causing us to eat off the floor.

Okay, so I typically carry the plates in there for them.  I’m the one using the one-hand grab and I’m the one who has a tendency to have the plate drop in half and then we’re all eating off the floor.

I have really nice floors. (It gets better. Click to continue reading…)

That’s right.  I got bored and looked through pics and thought you’d like them because you all dig me.  I’ll caption them.  I never do this.  I’m having fun.  Tell me I’m pretty. 

Of course I'm going to start with me and my daddy at my first wedding when I was 20 back in 1997. I love my daddy

Fuck yeah. Junior prom. 1994. I was 17.

Same day - different pose. I love this picture. I WAS SEVENTEEN.

Here I am in Vegas. Wedding number two. June of 2004.

I didn't eat meat for over a decade. I think I was 20 here. My sister made me pose as I took a bite into my first burger. Mmmm....burgers. Then I discovered bacon...I was high as fuck.

Speaking of my sister, there she is. Hot as hell aren't we?

This right here is my first husband (pre-marriage) when I was about 18 years old. I LOVE THIS PICTURE.

It looks like my brother CHrist is holding my head in his hands. I love this one. This isn't too old. I can't remember. Seven years ago maybe?

Bird, I hope you don't mind being in a picture but I look so hot. I was a senior in high school.

Finally, this is my best friend Joey. We lost him a long time ago but love and miss him so very very much.

So what’d y’all think about that?

Fuckin’ A, dude.  I am hung right the fuck OVER but I was walking with my friend yesterday and I was saying I feel like telling a story and he suggested I talk about the day I got my period.  Why the hell THAT came to him is beyond me but I figured what the h-e-double hockey sticks and thought I’d make a little note of it.  Knowing there wasn’t too much to the story, I figured I’d toss another nugget of embarrassment in here about the time I forgot to wear a bra to school.  See those beauties?  Yeah.  Imagine them in eighth grade sans bra.

Here we go – (It gets better. Click to continue reading…)