Photo Courtesy of WTFoodge

Fuckin’ monkey.  My monkey can kick that bastards ass.

That’s right.  I have a monkey and he sure as shit isn’t named George and he’s not a total Douche-tard (thank’s dad) like that fucking nightmare who does nothing but show my kids how to be dicks.  That cartoon has to have a fucking disclaimer beforehand telling kids not to do what he does.  Like a kid listens to that.  Asshats.

THIS is my monkey.  My pillow pet.  I adore him.  His name is Monkey.  I like to stroke my Monkey.  He’s the only pillow I sleep on now, he’s so good to me.  I haven’t even had to spank my Monkey yet.  When the time comes, I’ll be sure to take a pic to put up for Wordless Wednesday so you can watch me punish him (unless he’s in to that sort of thing, then I’ll have someone else do it because I’m his mom and that’s twisted).

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YAY, BABIES!

It’s amazing how it seems that everyone I know manages to get pregnant at the same time.  There will be a few months of regular life and BAM! Five women are expecting.

Everyone should know by now I can’t have anymore babies but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to review baby gear!  Talk about awesome, I get to have the joy of giving my expecting friends and family the best gifts on the planet for free!

When the folks over at Mâkaboo.com offered to have me review their product line, I was THRILLED with their timing. My cousin just have birth to a beautiful baby boy and he was born with medical complications.  He was a preemie with blood in his lungs.

Everyone wants to send along that perfect gift but in a situation as delicate as this, I wanted to send something truly special.  The offer to review the Mâkaboo.com line of personalized baby gifts came as soon as we knew our new addition was going to be okay and I wanted to send her something truly special. (It gets better. Click to continue reading…)

Yes. I love posting pictures of myself on my website.  Why?  Because I earned this body.  For the first time in my entire life, I work out.  I take care of myself.  I lost 100 damn pounds and that above is last Friday.  The first short skirt I’ve ever worn with confidence.

This Week’s Johnsonville GRILLVILLE Secret Code Word is SAUSAGE.

I just wish we thought about the lighting before or it’d have been the perfect picture.  I love me.  I know I can do me, I’m the master of bation (sorry dad, you totally make me not blog sex.  Not your fault, it just would freak us both out so I have to keep this to an anti-ew factor so ignore some parts and refrain from commenting on them).

I can totally do me wild.  I just want to make love to myself.  Whisper sweet nothings in my ear.  Tell me about how I  make myself laugh and how wonderful I am.  Brush that tiny bit of hair away form my forehead and tell me I’m beautiful.

I guess I’ll have to do me in front of a mirror.

I need a full length mirror.

That’d  just be weird.

I’m going to Target today.

So I put a call out on Facebook (facebook.com/momspective) and asked for story ideas. I was expecting a lot more but since I only got a handful of topics, I’ll answer them all.

1 – How about do you know if you are with the right or wrong person?

If a year has gone by and you have never felt the urge to punch that person in the face, I’d say you’re probably good.

2 – Stupid TV shows

That’s a tough one.  I love TV.   Turn on MTV and you’re guaranteed  to find a stupid show.

3- What its like to live through the 80′s — you know – aqua net, rolled pants, etc..

I was born in 77 so I’d have to roll into the 90′s.  I have one answer – (It gets better. Click to continue reading…)

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Go Random. Go To The Un Mom. Right Now. Well, Read This First. Then click this. She's hawt.

Please don’t kill my dog.  I love my dog.  Seriously.  There’s a reason I don’t put those cleaners in my toilet (someone did though).  Apparently he runs out of water and sometimes I don’t notice until I hear the echo of him drinking from the toilet.  First of all, I always want that bathroom door shut.  Secondly, I fucking love my dog so don’t poison him.  Okay, 2000 Flushes?  Don’t kill my dog?

I hate my new meds for sleep.  They not only take two hours to work, they wake me up every few hours because I have the most vivid dreams, I actually woke up laughing at one point.  Being an insomniac, it takes a lot to get me to fall back to sleep so I really have to concentrate on what I was dreaming about.  Here’s a taste of my dreams last night.  You think my life is random?  Check out what goes on behind the scenes.  I’m flashing between dreams and real life so try to keep up. (It gets better. Click to continue reading…)