So I was on Facebook the other day (if you add me as a friend please understand I’m a brutal, vulgar Facebooker) and I think I asked for something to write about and one of my closest friends from school suggested that I write about labor, since she’s pregnant with her first child.

Lindz, you’re brilliant. That idea slapped an entire series of stories into my head from my pregnancies. I just realized last night that I’ve never talked about being pregnant or giving birth. Since I have absolutely NO intention (or ability) to EVER have another child again, I just never thought much about it but looking back on my pregnancies I realized I have stories.  Lots of stories.

I was going to write about labor, as suggested, but she’s only at like 20 weeks, so I can start at the beginning.  I’ll get done before she delivers.  I’m starting fresh. I’m too effing funny not to.

If only I knew what the future held...

If you know me, you know my uterus was a piece of shit and I had everything ripped clear out of me recently.  If you don’t know me, that means that I had a full hysterectomy because my uterus was a piece of shit.

Growing up, my uterus messed with me on so many levels, I would have ripped it out myself if I didn’t hold out some hope that I’d bear children, even though I was told by multiple doctors that I never would.

Apparently, they were wrong. (more…)

It’s 8:30 in the morning and I just sat down to write this post and immediately decided I had to have another Gatorade G2 because I was SO thirsty.

The truth is, I am.  I just woke up.

I don’t quite know what the issue is with me, but I seem to be a medical mess and until it’s all figured out, I’m going to take various medications at various times throughout the day.

One of them makes me very dehydrated.  Especially given the amount I work out.

When I started taking this medication, it was like a crazy diuretic.  I didn’t have any weight loss from all of it, but I could tell I was dehydrated.  I actually measured the amount of water I drank daily because I read that a person can actually drink too much water, called “Water Intoxication” and well if I can’t have regular intoxication (I don’t drink alcohol) than I’m surely not getting water intoxication.

So what was happening to me was a constant thirst from both physical exertion and medication.   I was getting SO SICK of water and tried and liked the flavored waters like Propel but my friend advised me to try Gatorade since I’m a super active, very healthy (ish) Wii Mommy. (more…)

We’re sick.  All of us.  My entire household, children included.  My kids are about to turn 5 and 2 years old.  What is a parent supposed to do these days with a sick child?

Before, parents didn’t think twice about grabbing a spoon and chasing their kids around the house to give them a poorly measured dosage of awful tasting medication.  Now, medication tastes like candy to kids and my oldest acts like he scored a candy bar when he hears he needs to have some medication.

We also have the fear of what our kids can and can not take.  My son had the most horrible cough ever and I spent about 45 minutes in the store reading the dosage information to ensure I could purchase something that was suitable for his age (Triaminic long lasting cough is approved for children under four).

My little one, he’s just stuck suffering.  You can’t medicate a tiny little adorable little man who’s barely two years old.  The best I can do for him is put a humidifier in his room and some baby menthol rub on the outside of his clothes (I won’t apply it to his skin, I hear it could burn or make a child cold) and listen to him suffer all night long.

Then I came across this video. I couldn’t have watched it at a better time. (more…)

SO, my hair isn't as blonde as we planned - YET, but I have a HOT tee on to show my team some love!

Yeah, so I was bragging about going blond, and it is but this picture doesn’t do it justice.  My hair was so dark we have to do this in stages so the completion will we next Tuesday.  In the meantime, I want everyone to check out this kick ass tee I got from HerGameFace.com.  In the interest of full disclosure I want you to know I did get this for free to review but I effing LOVE it.  I feel slim and sexy and can FINALLY wear something that promotes my (shitty) team!

HerGameFace.com is a site that caters to a growing base of female fan across college and professional sports.  Finally, there is one destination where women can shop for fan gear and gifts from all of their favorite teams.  They’ve aggregated hundreds of thousands of products from trusted online merchants like the Sports Authority, FansEdge, and Football Fanatatics.com across a wide range of categories such as apparel, accessories, tailgating, collectibles, and autographed memorabilia.  Now women can easily find that cute shirt with their favorite team logo, in just the right size!

I look hot, right?

Go Random. Go To The Un Mom.

I am so sick of hearing people say they have a “Case of the Mondays”.  What is it, herpes?  It’s fucking MONDAY.  Other days will follow it.  I’d say thank God it’s Tuesday, but I am a miserable rotten bitch today, so I must have a case of Tuesday herpes.

What will I do when Football (again, that’s American for FOOTBALL) ends?  We have about three weeks left.  Will I have a “Case of the Sundays” because now I’ll have to participate in family activities instead of having the entire family enjoy throwing the ball around and laughing at the games?  (My son assumes every QB is named Steve Johnson and we’re convinced he’ll be changing his name when he becomes one himself, which is fine with me as long as I get my early retirement).

I have disappointing keyword searches.  No one seems to care about my deuces dropped or menopausal rage.  They want my weight loss.  That’s what The Wii Mommies are for.  I read Keely’s cool keyword searches and check mine and it’s all “weight loss”, “wii fit”, “cool mom”.    I want people to Google peeing in the shower and menopause misery, dang it!

Part of me feels like I need to clean up my mouth, as well as my language but then I wouldn’t be me and I’m pretty  in like with me. (more…)