I slept eleven hours and I am exhausted.  I don’t know how I’m going to handle Tuesday and Wednesday when I have to take Jake to summer school (not really summer school it’s a continued learning program so he doesn’t forget everything he learned this year) from 930-1130.  For someone who sleeps until noon that’s the ass crack of dawn.  Last week I used my free McDonald’s gift cards they keep sending me for writing for them to get an Egg McMuffin and coffee.  I’m going to bed at like nine tonight.  Bet you $20 I don’t fall asleep until midnight, it’s just the way my body chemistry is.

So I made the grave mistake of telling Facebook about how the TruGreen guy walked into my backyard just as I was adjusting the twins causing him to see my boobs.  I’ve been getting a ton of private messages from perverts asking me to send them naked pictures and people want to keep talking about what he saw.  IT WAS BOOBS PEOPLE.  I already said it in my update status, there wasn’t anything else to it.  We got the bill, it’s not like we got a discount.  I’m doing a lot of ignoring lately.

Friday was my anniversary and I decided to do a massive clean on my house (not related) and I swear you’d have no idea it ever happened, it’s been four days.  I came downstairs this morning to find all of the couch cushions on the floor in a pile surrounded by blankets and stuffed animals and I honestly have no idea what the kids are doing with it.  I tossed them a half-assed “Pick that up” but decided I needed to blog so I’d let it slide until it was time to go outside to the pool.

Anyone else going broke with their kids out of school?  We’re having to set time limits on eating because they won’t stop.  At least when they were in school I could pack their lunch and they’d be content eating that.  I’m considering doing the same this summer.  When they ask for lunch I’ll give them a lunch box and at snack time two and a half hours later (which causes them to constantly ask what time it is.) I’m trying to force fruit on them but they just bitch about EVERYTHING.  I’m not giving in though.  They don’t eat what I give them they can wait until dinner which they also complain about.  They want nuggets, I cook grilled chicken breast on the grill.  Nuggets are not going to happen.

You can totally tell I’m grumpy and exhausted today, I’m in bitch mode.  I’m going to cut this short so I can go jump in the still slightly chilly pool to hopefully wake myself up.  I’m not where I want to be physically because I let myself go this winter so I need to lose ten pounds and I’ve come up with a fantastic diet and workout plan that convinces me I’ll have it burned off by the end of the month.  When I set my mind to something it happens.  I hope you’re starting to have the same beautiful weather we’re having down here in South Carolina, I’m going to New York in two weeks and I still can’t decide what to pack.  I wear summer dresses every day, from what I’ve been seeing on the Weather Channel I’m going to need jeans and a jacket.  Shitty.

I considered it.  I’ve peed in pools before.  Mostly the ocean though, it’s like a sport for me to pee in public places.  I’ve grown into peeing at the public pool outdoor showers as people walk by.  It’s satisfying to know I can smile and wave at a passerby and relieve myself at the same time.  But no, I’m not going to pee in my pool.  I typically dry off as fast as possible and I run in the house trailing water everywhere and I land in the downstairs bathroom.  One time, and I’m not kidding, I took the garden hose out and peed it the lawn while spraying it on my bikini bottom.  Things I’m not afraid to admit to you.

Do you wear slippers?  

Yep.  I bought these in the largest kid size they had and beat them until they fit my foot.  They currently barely have a bottom and they one time slipped off my feet and sent me down the stairs, subsequently sending me to the ER.  My husband hates them -

How many pictures are in your living room?

Looking up now.  Seven.  Six of my family and this one over the fireplace -

Do you ever watch Brady Bunch reruns?  

In high school I wrote an episode of The Brady Bunch (my all-time favorite show) and it got picked up to air.  This is the script and this is the cast picture.  I know I wasn’t a blond but I still had to me Marcia.  Alice was spot on.

Are you allergic to anything?  

Dust, dust mites, bees, fire ants, dogs and Ragweed.

When was the last time you called in sick?

Even stay at home moms can call in sick.  I had a really bad experience with a blood infusion two months ago that had me in bed for two days.  Ryan took care of the kids for me.

Have you ever been in a car accident?  

Nothing serious.  I rear ended a cop once.  I was driving with friends and was watching the guy in the passenger seat check out the girl in the car next to us and I slammed into the back of the car.  The female cop came out holding her neck so I immediately thought I was screwed but I started crying and it worked so she let me go without any tickets.

What is your favorite snack food?

Nestle Drumsticks.  I’m officially addicted.  I bought a box to share with my family, gave each of them one of them then decided I was never going to share them again.  They’re mine.

Have you ever seen a tornado?

I’m obsessed with weather.  I’ve seen every tornado that’s been on YouTube and The Weather Channel but I’ve never seen one in person.  I wouldn’t mind seeing one rip through a field but I’d never want to see anything get damaged.

If you won a million dollars, what would you buy first?

New carpets for the house.  I don’t really need anything else. 

What time is it right now?  

12:04 Friday June 14, 2013.  Today is my 9 year wedding anniversary.

Do you think it’s cool for men to wear flip-flops?

If you are at a beach or a pool it doesn’t make sense to wear anything else.

How many pairs of shoes do you own?  

Oh don’t make me get up and count.  I have over a dozen but I only wear flip flops during the summer and sketchers during the winter unless I go out.  Then I pull out the rest.  I love shoes.  Never thought I’d say that.

Do you think you are a hypochondriac?  

No, I have doctors notes to prove I’m really as sick as I feel I am and enough medicine to kill a mule that I take daily.

Do you own a dictionary?  

No.  I own a laptop.

Where was the last place you went on vacation?  

I went to Myrtle Beach in March with my kids to go visit my mother.  I don’t consider that a vacation but that’s the last place I went.  Before that it was LA to film my Best Buy commercial which was for work but we had a great time so it was more vacationie. That’s a word.  I don’t have a dictionary but if I had one I would pencil it in there.

Do you talk about your friends behind their back?  

I honestly don’t have that many friends so I couldn’t afford to even if I wanted to.  I stopped going out weekly a month ago and unless you go to the bar people tend to not talk to you.  I’ve kept maybe four people since I stopped going to karaoke.  I’m very popular online though, so I’m satisfied.

Are you actually fat but in complete denial about it?  

Have you seen me?  I’m famous for losing 100 pounds in two years and believe me, I’ve kept it off.

What color is your mouse pad?  

My black couch is my mouse pad.

Does your kitchen have a theme?

Yes.  Huge with lots of cabinet space.  I built my house around my kitchen.

So all year I’ve been waiting for this – summer vacation.  I have a brand new pool that I can’t stop talking about and I don’t have to deal with packing lunches or doing homework.  What I TOTALLY forgot was that I’d have to deal with two brothers who will likely kill each other and eat me out of house and home.

At least when I packed a lunch box I could control the food intake, now it’s like they’re vacuums sucking up everything in the house.  I swear they just don’t get full.  I bought two boxes of those Ritz Crackerfulls and they ate both of them in less than three hours.  I expected that to last me a week!  Since I know they won’t let me blog when I wake up because they’ll want food and pool time I’m actually sitting on a kitchen chair with my laptop in my lap typing this at ten at night.  I could pull it over to my usual spot where I blog on the couch but that would take about thirty seconds out of my day that I just don’t feel like dealing with so I’m going to write and catch up on my comments in the middle of my kitchen.

With Summer here it also means absolutely NO TV is on.  I love “Orphan Black” but that just ended, no more “Doctor Who” (OMG I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHO THE NEW DOCTOR IS) and we just checked our DVR and it literally had two things recording between now and a week from now and it’s a double episode of “Falling Skies” which is actually awesome so if you haven’t watched it yet find it somewhere and start.  Noah Wylie is brilliant.  I’m actually limited to watching “Iron Chef” and “Chopped” repeats every day which I don’t mind but when it comes to watching TV with my husband two recordings a week won’t cut it.  We’re Netflixing “Psych” and “Sons of Anarchy” now even though I’ve already seen all of them.  He hasn’t and we’re desperate so I’m happily watching them twice.

ANOTHER downside to summer are the damn frogs.  My husband just came barreling down the stairs muttering “Fucking frogs” and went outside to grab the skimmer to hunt the one that’s croaking down so he can whip it into the woods.  Summer isn’t all bad though, I got myself a sweet raft and a few noodles to swim with and I’m getting a killer (yet SPF safe) tan as I kick around the still slightly chilled water.  I love our new grill, the only thing I cook inside is the pizza we have once a week and the occasional side dish, everything else is done on the grill.  I just learned how to do corn on the cob on the grill and I’m addicted.  I never bothered with it before because in my mind it takes forever to cook but we get it done on the grill in fifteen minutes.  Awesome.

Fireworks are legal in South Carolina and every year my circle sets off enough to burn the neighborhood down but we’ll be missing it for the first time since we’ve moved in because I’m flying with the kids to Syracuse, NY where I’m from to see my family (HI DADDY!).  Ryan isn’t coming because getting someone to feed the fish and watch the dog for nine days is near impossible and he’ll be cooking for himself so I should stock up on pizza and Ramen so he doesn’t starve.  He’s not what you’d call a master in the kitchen.  Maybe I’ll buy him a big box of Bubba Burgers and some rolls and he can just grill every night.  That’ll work.  (Ryan, remind me that I said that).

I need a new computer SO BAD.  Our Apple TV doesn’t work unless we go to the computer and restart iTunes before every show or movie we watch and my laptop is currently burning my thigh and the fan is going “WAHHHHHH”, begging me to stop this nonsense.  This is where I’m going to ask you what I should get as far as a new computer is concerned.  This one is an HP Pavilion dv6000 (OLD AS SHIT) but I like the way the keyboard is on it, my hands fit just right and it’s cozy to type on.  I really don’t want that Windows 8 shit.  I don’t see the point in a bunch on different shapes and colors on my screen.  I like everything in neat little folders right on my desktop with a picture of my kids as a backdrop.  We’re likely going to stall until this is completely shot but I’d like some ideas.  It could also  have a virus from what Ryan is saying.  It literally took fifteen minutes to start yesterday.

Since the flesh is burning off my legs I’m going to leave you with that.  See you Wednesday!